hakuna matata

fleeting days

i'm counting down the weeks. and i don't know if this is like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but after lindsey's email i'm like yes, i am stressed. she said that "this is a really emotional and stressful season, even if it doesn't feel like it", and i guess i've come to believe it even though i don't think i was that stressed before.. or maybe the overeating/constant snacking was a symptom or whatever you call it.

anyway, after today, i'm just like i'm so tired, why the heck did i not plan my classes properly so i wouldn't have to take so many freaking classes in my last quarter. and even then i don't know if it would make a difference... although i'm tempted to drop either accounting or the research thing. but i feel like i can't drop research since i talked to her and all that, and it is, sort of, a full-time option even though i haven't talked to her about that recently. psych paper due today, i don't think it was fantastic so praying for favour with graders, i have to write another 2 page thing for econ due tmr and i'm tired... there's a career fair tmr and thurs, oh look, here's the job thing coming up

counting down the weeks, because with 7 weeks left, i can't even figure out whether i should be enjoying myself or trying to find a job. because those two are, i think, quite contradictory and both take time. one of them has to come first and i don't know which one. if i don't end up getting a job here and i spent most of my last quarter here trying to do that, that would really suck.. as opposed to if i knew i was going to go home and making the best of my last weeks here. and i still have those 18 units worth of class... but again, i guess if i stay i'll have weekends to play. but now, trying hard doesn't equal GETTING a job. sigh.

i guess it's still possible to take a break after graduating like daryl/junwan did. but.. dunno. my mom seems to assume that i'm going home too, she asked me whether i was going to start shipping stuff back. AUGH. i hate life decisions. ok, this is sounding so angsty.. probably doesn't help that it's so windy and cold:(

and it's not that i don't believe God will provide. because ultimately, He will. and i just looked at the resurrection passage. because He rose again, we have hope! the only problem being i don't feel very hopeful at the moment and i'm just tired. but oh, i just found this. 1 John 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. just for me... haha.

update: yay for friends, had dinner w annie & yeye (my little from akpsi) and i feel better! even though, the problem is still there, i feel better about life. talk about moodswings... man.

in need

i really haven't the foggiest idea why i've been so tired this week. i slept 9 hours on sunday night and yesterday night. i guess monday i was okay.. today i was tired in the afternoon. maybe it's the dsch project draining me... i've seen my team practically every day and we struggle with the same questions and it's just so tiring to keep diverging and converging and getting feedback which changes stuff and we go back to square 1 and repeat the process. i don't think i can be a designer, it just takes too much out of me. or maybe i'm just saying that cos i'm tired now.

and i guess i was also somewhat annoyed because i thought we were okay with the project and i could go to tahoe. although now, given that i'm doing that microsoft visit thing tmr it's probably not very possible since i'd have to somehow finish my 500 word essay (which is very unformed) in like 1.5 hrs before going to chris tomlin and all. sighhhh.

alright, i think i just need to sleep and all will be better tmr! although i do have a packed day, as usual. i haven't not had a packed day since... i dunno when. oh wait, sunday. i don't know why it's felt like it's been so long... hm. clearly, there is something wrong. ah well. bedtime!

emotionally tiring day

sigh! first, i decided to recalibrate my macbook. so that involves not having a computer for a while (it has to be in sleep mode for 5 hours and then i can start charging it and while it's charging i'm not supposed to use it).

second, i was supposed to figure out where the heck my applecare was. applecare is basically insurance for apple products, and apparently has to kick in by the time my one-year warranty for this macbook expires, which is tomorrow. so... it got delivered on saturday, but manz housing office isn't open on weekends so "a notice was left".
this morning, i go to the housing desk, no notice! she says, go to the post office.
so i did, later, and they said nonono, it won't go to the post office, go back to your housing desk.
back at home (they email when we have stuff at the housing desk) but still nothing!
bro suggests i call usps to find out where it is. and they tell me it's at the post office.
back to the post office i go. the guy asks for the tracking number, so i've to run to the nearby music library to check it on my gmail. they try to look for it, still isn't at the post office.
5pm, i'm back in my room and i have an email from the housing desk at 4:48pm. crap! i run down to the housing desk, but it IS 5pm so the supervisor's gone... sigh. SO frustrating, you can't imagine.

third, i was supposed to hear from BCG & McKinsey about final rounds today, but they both decide to delay telling us until Wednesday! I'm like.. aughhh. Oh, so actually the McKinsey recruiter called me and I was like !!! she's going to tell me if I got final rounds! and then she starts asking about visa stuff instead and I'm like ahhhh.

fourth, i got this book that i ordered off amazon for my class (finally, it arrived like a MONTH late, i don't know how that happened) and realized it was the wrong edition! sigh... i should probably withdraw my claim. anyway, this textbook has been causing me great inconvenience and i was so glad it arrived until i realized it's the wrong edition!!! ugh. i guess it doesn't matter THAT much, but i don't know. baaah. anyway it was vaguely upsetting

fifth, i find out that the founder of the startup i worked at quit a MONTH ago. -in shock- cos my ex-boss decided to email me to catch up and update me on that part of the situation... and i've been talking to pple there on and off and never heard a squeak about it! anyway, i think that was the last straw, cos after that i really was like i cannot do any work at the moment, this is like emotional upheaval (cumulative). he was so passionate about the product and this is like his baby! how can he just leave it?! even though ser said it's quite normal for startup founders to do that... i think it's so different when you know the person though, and how much effort he put into it and everything. coming to office at 6am, not sleeping, working through weekends, etc, ?!!! but anyway...

sigh. time for bed! tmr all will be well again :)

tired..

wish recruiting was over! two interviews coming up and case practice after case practice after case practice.. so tiring. and i still don't know if i'm prepared, exactly. anyhow it felt like i was striving so hard and so yesterday the sermon was helpful. to remember that ultimately God is in control of my life and it may be that consulting isn't right for me anyway, even if i prep like crazy. although i guess it would be kind of annoying if i've put so much time into preparing and nothing comes out of it (again), like last year. but at the same time it's hard not to stress when i see other people prepping and all.. competition is tough. good reminder of clenched fist vs. open palm. one is stressful, not willing to let go. open palm is just.. open! and free.

alright i've decided that the way to look at more cases is that it's meeting people/getting to hangout for a bit even though we're doing cases. that'll make it better. :)

i am so tired. why am i getting sick twice in a month?? :( and it's so hard to work on this ASEAN exhibition thing. okay i should just do something about it and stop complaining but i am somehow drained. i don't even know why i'm feeling so negative about it. i guess cos we're past the deadline and i feel bad about it. haha.

anyway yeah, i think i'll finish my complaining and then get down to finishing up. after all, that's what a blog's for anyway. so, like i was telling tu, a sick strawberry + an internetless ryan working on this is really quite sad! not to mention the difficulties of working across countries -_- i guess it's similar to the leadership curriculum time, but somehow that was easier. i guess we had more defined deadlines and roles. doesn't help that i've been sick since sat and couldn't stay at the computer for more than like half an hour or something.

i think i need to take a break. not that i've been doing very much since 10am. haha. what to do.. lack of energy.

i am SO tired. actually i think i probably brought this upon myself because i got hooked on full house, but i prefer to wallow in self pity. haha. anyway so the 102b (econometrics) pset was SO frickin' long, i think i used 7 sheets of paper and i'm not really done yet. i HATE that class.. like seriously >.< it is so torturous to sit through 1h50 of that lecture and talk about regressions and all manner of weird formulae including matrices and linear algebra and.... i really would drop econ because of this one class. the only problem being i wouldn't know what else to do. (it's a core class for econ, sadly unescapable).

and i'm also not very prepped for cs.. i guess that shouldn't be as bad since it's openbook but my logic is really not there sometimes. okay i guess i should be able to manage but i'm so tired right now i'm typing with my eyes closed cos they refuse to stay open! ok definitely my finishing 16 episodes (1hr each i think) in 3 days had a part to play. :| and of course being in boston over the weekend.

this is like never going to end.. tonight i'll have to mug for int'l econ, which hopefully shouldn't be so bad cos that class is actually interesting and i know the front half of the material. but i know i'm gonna be tired which is a problem too.

and after that i'll have to code like crazy cos hangman is due on friday. >.< so tired. but i did have fun hanging out w ser in boston and meeting trang... yay for that at least:) and being done w interviews although they turned out rather unfruitful save for the experience -shrug-

wow it's almost been a week since i last posted! but this quarter is so crazy. actually every quarter's crazy. hmm. yeah. plus double ski trips.. which means my weekend is effectively gone.. oh well. boarding is always fun, except for the long drive there >.< and this time i somehow wrenched my left leg or something, it really felt dislocated yesterday.

so here's the story (which is going to sound so stupid but well):
so after getting off the lift for the beginner slope (of all slopes! ugh! was going to help out my dormmates cos it was their first time boarding) i think i skidded on an icy patch and then landed on my side. in which i felt this sharp pain on my left side (similar to wat happened to my finger last week at heavenly as well - talk about jinxed). and i wasn't going to get up for a bit but i was blocking the path and this guy helped me up.. anyway it was so so painful (still is actually) but i could still board (although it was still kinda painful) so i'm like heck i'll just continue

so when i unstrapped and had to walk my board along it did hurt, kind of, but when i was actually boarding it wasn't so bad.. thankfully. but when i stopped for lunch. !! that was a nightmare. really could NOT walk at all.. i kept wondering whether i fractured something. and it was so torturous i was thinking about calling Peling (my long-suffering RA) to come pick me up earlier. but then i thought about the $50 lift ticket and the 5hour drive and i'm like heck.. i'll just go on.

it was fun though, going on the nevada side properly (instead of getting myself stuck there like last Sat and having to rush down the slopes to get down in time). the snow was much better. and i did blues! yayy. but yeah, after that i was begging Reid (my other long-suffering RA) to let me take the car up the hill cos there was no way i was going to be able to walk up. and he actually offered to carry me cos Peling was going to be driving the equipment up.

oh what happened was that our house was on this hilly part where the bus couldn't enter cos it wouldn't be able to climb the hill.. so we'd to walk about 0.3miles in (according to Peling) - on the first night it definitely seemed REALLY long esp cos 1. it's uphill and 2. it was so cold. but yeah, Peling made a second trip down to the bottom to get me so phewwww. walking from the ski lodge to the bus was already so painful as it was.. everyone was really nice about it though.

and i totally suck at CS.. okay well i guess this is really my fault (as usual). didn't start doing my assignment earlier.. and then i fell asleep on thurs night cos i was so tired from getting up at 6:30 to go to SF for my interview and then company talks at night.. so no time to code. and had to take two late days (we get three 'free' late days for the quarter) cos i couldn't hand in by fri at 5 cos we left at 3 to go to tahoe.. and over the weekend i didn't do coding either (i need a freaking laptop man) , did a little on the bus but coding without testing it out never works.. so i just handed in a buggy program. which really sucks cos i hate doing things like that. :(

i hope my leg is fine by tonight. okay, more realistically, by tomorrow.

sometimes i just want to quit school. and do what, i don't know. it's been such a long day, i am so tired, and it isn't over yet. actually i guess i could sleep. oh no i have to write that thank you letter first. okay actually my spirits just lifted a little cos Still by Hillsongs was playing and thinking about God's majesty helps. and Seihout finally returned my call so at least I know he's going tomorrow.

anyway, to puff off some steam, it's just so tiring to think about jobs (internships), planning stuff (ski trip is such a nightmare), i haven't really thought about the studying bit, guess that's the least of my worries since most things are structured. hah. alright i shouldn't really dwell on these things cos they'll just make me more depressed.

but the summary is that i didn't get much sleep last night cos was prepping for interview, ditto today.. and after my interview i had various meetings (including some akpsi-only mckinsey info session and all these recruiting things are very intimidating), was reminded of the lack of initiative i have wrt sas, definitely could do a lot more and i don't know where the new year resolution went. and ski trip is really really such a nightmare, i really pray that everything works out and we'll have a good time.

masters students make up the bulk of the participants, and i didn't send out the word early enough about the trip so they planned their own and booked their own place. so we ended up with very few people and lack of drivers. i guess it's not that huge a problem.. dunno la.

maybe i just wasn't cut out for all this. but no, my parents are spending so much money and i'm just tired right now. so so tired. i should sleep. at least there's only cs tmr. and the first week of school will be over.