alright. i decided i'm going to just accept whatever happens on saturday.. if i get cut i guess i just wasn't meant to be in a frat and it's God's way of telling me that. if i stay i'll have to be more outspoken and whatever.. am trying anyhow. so, we shall see.
i am so tired of waking up and feeling like i have so much akpsi stuff to do. well actually i didn't really feel like that today cos i just wasn't thinking about it too much, thankfully. and i just want to get enough sleep for once, which doesn't seem like it's going to happen anytime soon. at least not until after i finish pledging or get cut. haha.
it's kind of weird, apparently some of my bros don't like this active (girl) who used to be jesley's roommate. cos she says mean things sometimes. i dunno la. sometimes i wonder if i misinterpret things/am over-sensitive. and i really need to sleep. and i havent' done my psych reading for tmr. so so busy. i hope sunday's spring fun un sun thing goes well man.. need to pray hard.
and my IHUM paper grade was the suckiest i've had since fall quarter, which is amazing. i don't believe this paper was worse than the first one i wrote. i should've changed TF while i had the chance. but it's always easy to blame everyone/everything other than yrself. so i dunno. and i did feel more bo-chap about this paper. but still. and his comments were most unconstructive.
alright i guess i'm starting to sound/feel a little hateful so i had better go to bed. gnite. oh and i don't know what to do about my summer now, i guess it was pretty nicely planned out at first but now cos of the thailand thing.. dunno. augh.
as usual, this is not my ideal sleeping time. maybe i'm just not cut out for this man.. i feel like just saying that's my nature, i should just give up. but i can't. or should i? today's meeting was like mid-quarter evaluation. and i'm one of the weaker pledges. well given that 1/2 the pledge class is under that category i guess that's not that such a huge deal but it still is. and my problems are that 1. i don't talk enough (surprise surprise) 2. i don't initiate enough times/am not loud enough about them.
and then given that everyone just got evaluated, everyone's going to be rushing to do stuff and watever. how is that going to work? ahh.. i dunno. about individual and about the group. very confusing and very conflicting sometimes. reminds me of last quarter's ihum prof.. his favourite phrase : dialectical tension between X and Y. how true.
interestingly enough last night i was sort of like (for a little moment) observing myself from outside of myself. seeing bubbly people around chatting can induce me to put on that "skin" and imitate them. sort of. at least i think that's what i was doing during part of formal anyhow. but normally i'm lazy to do that. or am not inspired. wat kind of lousy excuse is that right..
i find that's something i've struggled with all my life though. my mom kept telling me that i must speak up & blah blah blah in primary sch so much so that i dreaded those progress reports cos they'd inevitably contain "quiet" and "passive", which ironically, still did come up just now. looks like some things never change. and then when i took mbti tests i'd be putting all the "correct" answers to convince myself i was extroverted. i suppose i did feel excited about meeting people in like sec 1 and all, but things changed.
don't know if i'm supposed to be trying to change myself (after all, that is what my parents are paying good money for) or if i should be figuring out that i'm not cut out for this and therefore should stop wasting my time.
anyway.. i guess i'll have to figure out wat to do quick cos midcourts is on saturday. apparently it's pretty hellish. and people get cut after that. so wish me luck.
i'm so tired of waking up and feeling like i have so much stuff to do. i.e. i wake up with a sinking feeling. actually i guess it was most acute today. and it usually wears off. but still. i also think this actually happens at some point every year (or quarter? or every term while still in spore). maybe it's just because of pledge stuff though, it's never ending. like dennis (my dormmate, also pledging) said, you think you've reached a milestone and you can relax, but no. something else comes up. i think this is why pure-school is simpler, you just learn ur stuff and do ur homework (and you normally still have time to slack).
right, i probably should be catching up on my lost sleep. but my mom just talked to me and told me about "ground-breaking news" at church. hehe. anyhow, now that I'm here, it all seems so silly and pointless. they're arguing about holy spirit doctrine and whether to persecute the guy who taught something contrary to the church's beliefs. i'm like, you allowed him to teach in the first place, wat is the problem? and anyway i think our church has more of a problem with other stuff rather than doctrines of the holy spirit. seriously. unless it was just me not totally assimilating into church.
honestly, church back home is quite devoid of emotion. which i now believe makes a difference, to say the least. our worship is forever so solemn and wat not. i'm still not very comfortable with the idea of worship as being similar to a pop concert but worship doesn't have to be all hymns. i guess that's also a rather superficial complaint, since we're supposed to worship in spirit and in truth no matter the song. anyhow. yeah. i think i agree with my dad now, that they're getting bothered over tiny things when there're problems with the bigger things (i.e. seeking God).
although I think while I stayed in Singapore I would never have gone to other churches, I was too indoctrinated by my church that I was convinced that going to other churches was wrong. oh and apparently one of the sisters back home came to SF for holiday and went to the Airport Church of Christ (which is doctrinally closer to church back home, as compared to Campbell COC which is the one that me n sean go to [when sean's around]). and then the preacher told her to persuade me to go back to the airport one.. hah.
oh and my mom was complaining, it was mother's day and they held this meeting about the holy spirit thing right, and only men were allowed in the meeting (they stick very closely to the "women should not speak in church"-thing). honestly, that's just so silly. i guess i didn't feel so strongly about it when i was still at home. but after i've seen how equality plays out here, it's kind of different.
anyhow. on a separate note. i think daryl's right. one always needs time to reflect. i think i also partially understand why tapiwa wanted us to keep a journal of the pledge process. cos before starting he told me i'd find out a lot about myself. another guy depledged before formal. man, i really hope people don't get cut. and it's so annoying they keep saying you know who you are (in trouble) and we all start getting paranoid.
i guess i need to sleep now, will blog more tmr maybe