wow, i don't know why i felt so tired by the time it was 5pm... i also don't know why i can't seem to wake up past 9am anymore. i guess it's kind of been like that since last summer/recruiting season last year, but... hm. rather odd. even this summer at home, if i went to bed at 3am i'd still wake up at 9. i guess i wanted to eat breakfast cos there were so many nice things to eat, but really. so greedy! anyway... oh, i got my remote (for the car) programmed today, didn't realize it was so easy! the technician did it for me in a matter of seconds. awesome :) and i paid like USD30 (from ebay) instead of 80 (if i'd gotten it from the dealer).
then, cs cooked lunch. or, i guess, technically winston did. haha. man, that sambal was crazy.. :p i came out from the bathroom upstairs and it assailed my nose. i can't imagine what it must've been like for those downstairs! anyway we had to open the windows and all to let the smell out. ridiculous... it was VERY powerful sambal. i guess there was too much... so hot! haha. so had to eat slowly... which i guess wasn't a bad thing. i'm kinda surprised that they were full with just two dishes though. i was good, but then i'm a girl, and a tiny one at that. maybe the rice was filling. hm. and then cs made molten chocolate cake! gosh it was sooo good. but so bad too cos we had crepe + ice cream last night, and then i eat dessert AGAIN today. ah well... -shakes head-
anyhow. dropped bert back at his dorm and got a tour of the newly renovated crothers. man, it is SO nice. i was like why did i graduate again... hm. then went to visit lorra for a bit. and back to talk to cs.. heh. now i understand. the pressure of expectation. the better your track record, the more expectations you've to live up to. but you know, just do the best you can and God will do the rest. after all, He put me in my job and as much as it's tedious right now/people are working crazy hours and not going home... there is a purpose. i'm sorry i'm really not more positive about talking about work right now. it is SUCH a pain to have to explain my job to people. "i work in economic consulting." "what?? what is that?" "well, we work for lawyers and figure out how much damages to pay when one company infringes another's patent." i really need to just write it on the back of my namecard and people can read it themselves... jackie'd probably say that's so me, given that (this she always recalls with great fondness) when we met at international orientation and she asked what my name was, i just held up my nametag wearily. something to that effect. maybe this is what chuansheng means by "clarissa lin! never change..."
yeah anyway that whole job-explaining thing came into effect especially during the sas bbq, when i was meeting so many people. but wait. i get ahead of myself. that will come in soon...
ok, then i dropped by borders. i think i will buy these two francis chan books. one of which was recommended by this lady at church last week. it's called crazy love! just exactly what i need, i think. how do i love God...
after that, went to pick cheukka and shifeng up from the caltrain station and showed them around campus. it's funny, i've graduated and i'm still showing people around campus! it's nice that i get to go back though. bought a decal for my car :p
then brought them over to cs and winston's. wow, the astar scholars are really close. i guess i started getting tired then. and then when it came to the bbq... gosh. all these people i don't know. and don't really want to meet, hm. making conversation is tiring. i guess given that i'd been hanging around people since 12:30pm and it was almost 6:30pm by then.. too much. was really really tired by then. so yoga was good. too tired to run/do elliptical. and yoga music is relaxing. ahh. sooo good. i don't even know why i was more tired today (mentally, i guess) than from work normally.
realizations
so i was re-reading one of my childhood favourite books (the anne of green gables series by l.m. montgomery, haha - yeah i think some of my friends would be appalled i'm reading that at my age, but whatever) and it described one of the characters going off to college and having to leave home and all. when i read that, my mind involuntarily did a flash back to when i first left for stanford. i guess, also because cos i'm leaving again soon and every time i leave the experience is slightly different.
i remember getting a panic attack before leaving (maybe a couple of days before? or a week?) and not wanting to go, and serene having to message me all the way from boston to assure me that it really isn't that bad, i'll adapt.
i remember going to the airport and having so many friends come to send me off - church/chorale/class/... flying to an unknown place which i'd never seen before (well maybe when i was REALLY young) with kiat & wang ning.
i remember being disappointed that we didn't enter stanford through palm drive cos we dropped off a grad student first (-_-) but subsequently being amazed by the open space and greenery that is the stanford campus and finally, the loud noisy welcome by the international orientation volunteers!
kind of crazy, really, that it's been 4 years
[update, after meeting rgs classmates]
while we were sitting around eating at chinatown/on the bus from chinatown to orchard, i looked at my friends and it was just such a weird feeling to think that we've known each other for 8 years (well, 10 if you count from sec 1) and we still get along so well. or so i think, anyway. more ponderings to come later, am too exhausted to think or type anymore.
also realized that going out with girls usually entails dessert, maybe because they don't go out and meet people every day. but since i do that when i'm back, that kind of kills me... sigh. really should not have drunk that milk thingy at tcc... -bloat-
realizations
i really have been overeating and my days really do revolve around food. tummy is growing! felt so gross i had to go run just now. and while running, i also thought about this past sunday's sermon. the preacher ended by asking us whether our spiritual life had been healthier at some other point, and why that was the case. i came to the realization that this summer hasn't been as good as last summer spiritually because i wasn't as convicted in making God/learning about Him the centre of my life. instead, i fell back into the old trap of idolizing food, amongst other things. i would like to blame other people for influencing me, but really it's my own fault. anyhow, at least i know what's wrong now and hopefully will do better at correcting it.
also, am in process of writing a testimony about my senior year and job search. was supposed to try and get it done by today (wed) for the church bulletin but unfortunately that didn't happen cos i had to trawl through emails and chat transcripts to quote my friends accurately. i really should've started it earlier so it would've been in time, but oh well.
excerpts from Life of Pi, Yann Martel:
Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.
________________________________
What? Humanity sins but it's God's Son who pays the price? I tried to imagine Father saying to me, "Piscine, a lion slipped into the llama pen today and killed two llamas. Yesteday another one killed a black buck. Last week two of them ate the camel. The wek before it was painted storks and grey herons. And who's to say for sure who snacked on our golden agouti? The situation has become intolerable. Something must be done. I have decided that the only way the lions can atone for their sins is if I feed you to them.
"Yes, Father, that would be the right and logical thing to do. Give me a moment to wash up."
"Hallelujah, my son."
"Hallelujah, Father."
What a downright weird story. What peculiar psychology.
_________________________________
This Son, on the other hand, who goes hungry, who suffers from thirst, who gets tired, who is sad, who is anxious, who is heckled and harrassed, who has to put up with followers who don't get it and opponents who don't respect Him - what kind of a god is that? It's a god on too human a scale, that's what.
_________________________________
It is a religion as swift as a swallow, as urgent as an ambulance. It turns on a dime, expreses itself in the instant. In a moment you are lost or saved. Christianity stretches back through the ages, but in essence it exists only at one time: right now.
thoughts since coming back
weird that lyd's not around, she's usually the one who calls me to go out. got pretty bored within two days (even though i had barney and peiying's wedding to go for the day i returned!) and almost sank into slight depression thinking about how disconnected i am from my sg friends since i'm not even sure if they're on the same cell phone etc. silly me though, it wasn't that hard to contact people. so i've spent much of the week meeting people, tomorrow's my only "free" day. which i am contemplating going shopping but i bet i'll be too lazy. it is really boring getting on a bus to go to town (or any of the bigger shopping malls) cos all the buses use the same route for at least 60% of the trip! :( sigh. i think i need to find an exciting book to read..
anyway, singapore is changing an awful lot. i got off the bus at queen street terminal today to get to bugis junction, passed by bugis village and there were all these clothes shops i hadn't seen before! and then i get out of bugis village and find myself in this brand new spanking huge shopping mall i hadn't even HEARD of! and that's saying something since new malls are always announced.. or so i think. anyhow, i discover this japanese food street thing. tis kinda cool, albeit a little on the more expensive side. they claim to fly in fish from tsukiji. hmm.
hilarious quotes from cheukka:
her marveling at my shopping stamina - "i can last two hours at most. after that, i start seeing blurs (instead of clothes)"
background: my mom's going to relief teach for the month of august (or something) and she was afraid that i wouldn't have anything to eat for lunch when she's teaching. i'm like, don't be ridiculous, #1 i can cook, #2 i can go out and eat. so i was telling cheukka about it and she said, "wow, you're so practical/problem-solving" and i was totally confused as to how she concluded that, so i asked her what she would do in my place and she's like "oh, if my mom's not at home then i don't eat lor."
then she explained herself a little further by telling me this hilarious story about how she wanted to eat ice cream one day and she was trying to persuade jon to eat ice cream too.. but he didn't want to. so then she said if he didn't want to then she didn't want to either, so he should eat with her. and then apparently he said something like if it were me i would just go get the ice cream myself. independence. haha. i'm like okay... interesting. she says she always needs people to do stuff with her, else she won't do whatever it is. i definitely like doing stuff alone, which i guess isn't the healthiest thing.. but like for shopping, i feel like other people are inconvenienced if i drag them along. and if i want to eat random stuff instead of eating meals, it's more for a on-the-go type thing not so much when i meet friends thing. although i guess if my friend wants to eat random stuff too then that works. ah well.
okay since serene complained... haha. actually i guess i was meaning to blog about my job stuff and so on but the whirlwind of spring quarter senior year + commencement caught me and swept me up.
so, quick summary of job stuff: God has provided most abundantly even though his timeline was clearly quite different from mine. haha. all those consulting interviews in fall quarter.. i guess they built up my confidence. getting final rounds. even though there were multiple let-downs and disappointments when i didn't get offers. and i also learnt (thanks to serene's honesty, i appreciate that) how much of a monster i can become when it comes to being competitive... quite shocking, really.
winter quarter, i was kind of tired of interviewing and submitted a few resumes for the sake of it, heart really wasn't in it. lazy. unmotivated.
spring quarter, i realized just how little time i have left, and things like air tickets etc have to be settled. fasted that one meal which was quite a big deal since i was eating literally all the time during that period. was quite bad, really. so i tried my hardest, contacted alumni to help. got a couple more interviews, two rejections and this one i was a little iffy about, given the odd location (the shopping complex where college students do their grocery shopping! i didn't even know there was an office building) and also the fact that they called me in directly for final rounds (i.e. a full day of interviews) without any preliminary phone interview. also, lousy website means i couldn't find out much about the company.
went there, met the people. liked the good-natured joking i saw between people, kind of reminded me of last summer (bluepulse). the last guy i met was the CEO. i thought it was ok but it seemed like he wasn't so interested at the end and i had this sinking feeling in my heart. decided it was time for retail shopping. while driving to macy's, told God i was so tired of interviewing and trying to tell people how good i am etc. why is a job so hard to get?! and then 1 hour later, the CEO calls me and tells me i have an offer... cannot believe it man. later i thought about it and was wondering how much i get paid... gotta wait till i get back to find out. get back, find out that it is a really good offer! and at that point i was already ready to settle for anything. plus i get to start whenever..
that's a pretty short summary as it is. but i have been greatly blessed.
sigh
i wonder what, if anything, i ought to be doing about this. for the (however many)th time this quarter, i wake up to my roommate telling her boyfriend what's wrong with him. ok normally she does that at night, but i'm just kind of amazed at how he manages to put up with constantly being told how he's lacking! <-- this was at 9:20am+ after i got woken up. i REALLY wanted to whine about how i've had enough of this and what not, but... (continue below)
at 9:40am my roommate comes out so i decided to ask her if everything's okay... and we talked a little about how her boyfriend annoys her a LOT sometimes. and how she gives and gives but doesn't receive any appreciation. actually i can't really remember what i told her anymore, but it included things like not expecting in return for giving (and then when you are appreciated that's even better!), that she shouldn't expect him to change (this, thanks to ser's wisdom after almost a year of marriage;p), that maybe she needs to ask God to change her, and she said she's always been really competitive and feels like she has to mould everything. i also said something about trying to remember that everyone's a reflection of God and when friends make us happy, He makes us happy too. anyway, after talking to her i feel more sympathetic about the whole situation, more peace i guess.
frantic econ outline writing. ok, not that frantic since i wasn't THAT clear-minded at the moment. but i forgot about it. oh, and then i printed out jackie's creative writing stuff (SO many pages! i did not realize... haha). i wonder how she managed to write so many pages in a week. anyway, i don't usually like poems that much but hers are beautiful. and short stories! very cool. love the language. love good writing.
so i go and turn in my econ outline thing and i saw other pple's stuff and they were so much more detailed and seemed much more advanced in where they were! i guess i did pretty much change my research question last night, but i don't know if my TA'll be nicer cos of that. eeps. i can only trust. and pray for grace. mrarrrr.
anyhow so i went to the post office, got my EAD card (i look like a BALL in the picture, i am not kidding). i'm like whatever, as long as it serves its purpose, i'm never looking at it again. :p
and my roommate comes back from lunch and says she loves talking to me. given my sleep-deprived state, i immediately forget what she said to me (or i guess i was somewhat dazed so it came in one ear and happily wafted out the other), but it was along the lines of how the things i say are true/wise, and that i make her a better person. i was like awww! -melt- that was really unexpected and quite touching. from what she said it sounds like she spent most of her time in the library thinking about what we talked about instead of reading. but it's kind of cool, i hope it did help...
anyway ok, now it's time to pick a passage for bible study. it's really funny, last night i was thinking about it and i was like hm i think i should ask people to think about things that surprised them this week/where God might have been working and then this happens to me today...
some amazing praise notes i had to throw out:
1. extension of deadline for my econ paper outline! i was getting stressed out about it last night, realized i had two interviews to prep for plus a concert tmr night etc... and i had no data set at that point (still working on it). today i went to class and the prof says to us, "i don't know if this will help, but i can give you a tiny extension..." and at this point i'm staring at her with huge eyes like she's just given me a great treasure. anyhow i feel like a huge load has been lifted off (but also i guess less stress means i will procrastinate on it a while more :|) and i can concentrate on interview prep and all that.
2. i feel like God has given me favour with people.
a. i emailed a prof about the data set thing last wed and she replied thurs morning; emailed her last night and she replied this morning (i was frankly VERY amazed), and then i find out from another classmate that she also emailed this same last fri but hasn't received a reply. i'm like wow. maybe my data question is easier to answer, but still..
b. i emailed an alum to help with my job thing (which led to my wed interview, more praise!) and today as i was talking to another friend, i realized she emailed the same alum but didn't get her resume internally referred. perhaps my email was more explicit/sounded more desperate, but also wow...
3. strange coincidence. i guess i was thinking about the EAD card (which allows me to stay and work here after graduation) since i have an interview tmr, but i suddenly decided to check on the status (i guess i'd thought about checking before but figured it was too early for anything to have happened) and so i went to fish out the letter they sent me with the tracking number. and guess what?
"Current Status: Card Mailed
On April 27, 2009, we mailed the new card directly to the address we have on file."
again, i'm just astonished. like, what are the odds...
anyhow, just feel like God's been speaking to me through these little things and He is good. i also thought about the possibilities that neither interview works out and i'm back to square one, but I will trust in His grace and His plans for me.
Mosaic!
This is on facebook but for me to remember... so pretty! and so funny that the last row = all animals.
Rules:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).
d. Save the image and post it on this note!
e. If you're tagged, pass it on to however many people you want. And tag me. :)
The Questions:
1. What is your first name? (Clarissa)
2. What is your favorite food? (Sushi rolls)
3. What is your favorite color? (Pink)
4. Favorite drink? (Mango shake)
5. Dream vacation? (Corfu, Greece)
6. Favorite hobby? (Snowboarding)
7. What do you want to be when you grow up? (Dolphin trainer)
8. What do you love most in life? (Beauty)
9. One word to describe you? (Calm)
1. Clarissa and Chi Chi 8, 2. temari sushi, 3. Water sculpture, 4. refreshingly good!, 5. Krf, Grcka (Corfu, Greece), 6. Wall #1, 7. Hawaii #16 - Baby wolphin, 8. My Girls..., 9. Savoir Vivre... hmmmmmm
fleeting days
i'm counting down the weeks. and i don't know if this is like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but after lindsey's email i'm like yes, i am stressed. she said that "this is a really emotional and stressful season, even if it doesn't feel like it", and i guess i've come to believe it even though i don't think i was that stressed before.. or maybe the overeating/constant snacking was a symptom or whatever you call it.
anyway, after today, i'm just like i'm so tired, why the heck did i not plan my classes properly so i wouldn't have to take so many freaking classes in my last quarter. and even then i don't know if it would make a difference... although i'm tempted to drop either accounting or the research thing. but i feel like i can't drop research since i talked to her and all that, and it is, sort of, a full-time option even though i haven't talked to her about that recently. psych paper due today, i don't think it was fantastic so praying for favour with graders, i have to write another 2 page thing for econ due tmr and i'm tired... there's a career fair tmr and thurs, oh look, here's the job thing coming up
counting down the weeks, because with 7 weeks left, i can't even figure out whether i should be enjoying myself or trying to find a job. because those two are, i think, quite contradictory and both take time. one of them has to come first and i don't know which one. if i don't end up getting a job here and i spent most of my last quarter here trying to do that, that would really suck.. as opposed to if i knew i was going to go home and making the best of my last weeks here. and i still have those 18 units worth of class... but again, i guess if i stay i'll have weekends to play. but now, trying hard doesn't equal GETTING a job. sigh.
i guess it's still possible to take a break after graduating like daryl/junwan did. but.. dunno. my mom seems to assume that i'm going home too, she asked me whether i was going to start shipping stuff back. AUGH. i hate life decisions. ok, this is sounding so angsty.. probably doesn't help that it's so windy and cold:(
and it's not that i don't believe God will provide. because ultimately, He will. and i just looked at the resurrection passage. because He rose again, we have hope! the only problem being i don't feel very hopeful at the moment and i'm just tired. but oh, i just found this. 1 John 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. just for me... haha.
update: yay for friends, had dinner w annie & yeye (my little from akpsi) and i feel better! even though, the problem is still there, i feel better about life. talk about moodswings... man.
crappy
my roommate was arguing with her boyfriend again (on the phone) and i could hear her raised voice and it just made me feel so uncomfortable. uncomfortable isn't even the correct word.. antsy? i have no idea. i am extremely extremely conflict-averse. as are most people, i guess. i don't know. and the whole raised voice thing happens so regularly (well, frequently enough) that i'm just like are relationships supposed to be like that?? i thought you're supposed to be happy most of the time..
and then i check my zipcar account and realize that i got charged $50 for returning the car late. i really should've made sure we left on time to get the car returned on time... i feel bad making the student group pay for it, but i don't want to pay for it either. sigh. this is what comes of not being insistent enough.
not so crappy anymore, just puzzled
okay, talked to my roommate about her bf issues. i am unbelievably ill-equipped to give relationship advice, i wonder why i've been finding myself in such situations. i never wanted to go through the whole heartbreak thing, but it almost makes me feel as though i would be better able to relate to people when they tell me about it. like my roommate was like "it's hard to let go, i took 1.5 years to actually break up with my last bf" and i'm like okay... given that i've never found myself in that situation i don't quite know what to say.
but even then, actually, i think i'll just be thankful that God has kept my heart whole since that's what i always wanted anyway. or at least, i THINK it's whole.
now, how to add empathy to the picture... hm.
oh man, i just realized that another friend i'm meeting on wed sort of has issues of the heart too. why can't our world be perfect... i guess that's what heaven is. rawr. light please?
a Somebody with a nobody
so I'm subscribed to this weekly study on the names of God (mostly old testament, i think) and i really liked the bold part:
God tells Moses that he has seen the misery of "my people" and states his intention to rescue (nāstal) them and bring them back to Canaan. He concludes, "So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt" (3:10). Now Moses begins to protest. His first objection is that he is a nobody. God's answer to the excuse of being a nobody, is that a Somebody will be with him.
"But Moses said to God, 'Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?'
And God said, 'I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.'" (3:11-12)
afresh
alright, i sat and thought about it and i have resolved to be a better student for my last quarter. and i will also apologize to my mom for being so bratty. God's grace is enough even though I'm so wretched sometimes.
sigh
the one time in a long while my mom decides to call, and she calls to tell me that i need a wake-up call to stop slacking and work harder in my last quarter. cos i told her i just came back from playing cards at joseph's. i guess she's right that that isn't the best use of time, and also it IS true that my undergrad gpa has been dropping since fall quarter and my econ is quite terrible, i think i got Bs for my last two econ classes. i wonder where my work ethic has gone... and it's no good being flippant about it, i really did use to work harder.
anyhow, i guess at that point i was just focused on how pathetic/disappointing it was that the one time my mom decides to call, it's to express disapproval. and then i felt bad that i was giving monosyllabic answers. but it's 2am and i'm tired from the day, plus you've just finished reproaching me, how do you expect me to be able to chat with you cheerfully when you've just made me feel crappy about myself? and now that just sounds so self-centered..
unfortunately, negative things do have to be said by someone else i'd never know. poor mom. has to bear the consequences of scolding me for my own good. a bit like how Jesus had to die for our sins huh.
the beginning of the end
that is totally koped from yx's gchat status, but it is true. i don't know why people always say "you must be glad to be graduating right?" nothing could be further from the truth! ok granted assignments & midterms & finals aren't exactly fun, but really... being able to arrange classes so i don't have class on fridays (if i don't take social dance 2) is quite cool. haha.
it was quite a packed day, involved quite a lot of food after dinner (bad!!!) but i have BAKKWA! i have never been so excited. ok i probably have, but you know... oh wow and i just realized jackie's going to feed me too. MACARON!!! and i forget what the other thing is. i guess it's a good thing i went with dayoung to yoga-pilates and abs&glutes today. yoga-pilates was still ok, surprisingly, cos the last time i went i remember feeling very inept at all the stretching and crunches and what not. so, hopefully i am more fit now! haha. or maybe the aches from snowboarding eclipsed everything else so it didn't matter.
abs & glutes... gosh. oh, i met tomi & christina & jessica (my frosh dormmates!) which was cool, and then we all suffered together. the instructor was seriously crazy, 67 years old and still so lithe and wiry and FIT. as christina was saying "i'm 22 years old and i can't do half the things he's doing!" anyway... after that dayoung & i couldn't walk properly, climbing the stairs is painful, i thought my thighs were going to start spasming with all the squats and other things he made us do. gosh. but if we do go for the rest of the quarter i'm sure we'll be very toned by the end... haha.
alright. i am going to go to social dance tmr... oh i still have to figure out what camera to buy. and i really hope i didn't bring any bed bugs back from puerto rico...
contradictions
my church sends out the electronic version of the weekly bulletin so i got this thing called the christian's checklist. anyhow, i got to this one where it gave the verse 1 Cor 3:18 Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this world, let him become a fool that he may become wise.
and then it reminded me of other verses with "the first shall be last" and "my power is made perfect in your weakness". and it just occurred to me that i love those contradictions somehow, because they are so unintuitive.
the faces of music
just watched my friends perform their guzheng/pipa, it was pretty amazing... i felt like i was in china in some palace courtyard or something, like royalty being entertained by court musicians. or in some chinese movie... quite surreal.
and then i realized how similar the guzheng is to the harp. sound-wise and the way you play it, kind of. the glissandos are pretty alike! and knocking on the wood part for extra sound effect. v cool! and then saw a bunch of other chinese instruments i hadn't really heard before... so interesting! music can be produced in so many different ways.
alright, back to my 3000word final.
exciting!
i was able to pray for my roommate who's been having bf issues... i don't even know why i feel excited about it and i feel like i've to tell someone. still debating on whether i should email people. or whether that's like boasting or something.
anyway, she asked me how i never get angry, cos she flares up pretty easily and throws tantrums (her own words, not mine). and esp so when her bf doesn't react in ways she expects and then she's disappointed (or rather, angry). i think to begin with, we just have different temperaments, i'm just more zen or something. but.. yeah, i was asking her about her relationship and stuff and it just felt so much like she had so much on her plate to handle and was so stressed. so i was just sharing that knowing that God's spirit works in us is so freeing because it takes away the pressure of me thinking i've to achieve everything on my own. just being able to trust is good. and i asked her if she prays.. (she's catholic so it's a little different) and then i prayed for her.
anyhow, although i'm not quite sure i had an answer to the anger thing (or maybe the solution was prayer), but she said she felt much better after praying so that was really cool. i guess i felt so glad that i was able to serve her and serve God at the same time :) which makes me think, it kind of is a testimony huh? but i wonder if my wanting to tell someone is craving man's praise... hm. the tale of the pharisee and the tax collector comes to mind.
end quarter blues
last night, at the last bible study for the graduating chi alpha people, my christian fellowship pastor glen was praying for us and a phrase just stuck in my mind - "as they take their last classes at stanford next quarter". i mean, there was definitely more to the whole prayer but since this is something i've been thinking about for a while, that's the phrase that stuck. it is so surreal. i've probably repeated this at least three times this year but i still can't get over how fast 4 years have flown by! i guess i did realize every year when i came back and had to adjust to being a "sophomore", then a "junior", and now a senior... it's kind of like getting older. somewhere in jc i kept thinking i was 16 and always had to count to figure out my age (happens sometimes now too) and i also cannot believe i'm turning 23 this year, it's scary [sorry to people who've had birthdays already :p]
and my pastor also told us that we'd be having a senior farewell sort of thing at the last chi alpha next quarter and that we should think about what we'd say (share) with the younger 'uns. haha. the irony is that i think i did spend time hanging out more in my sophomore/some of junior year, but not so much this year, unfortunately.. even so, my spiritual growth here has far surpassed that at home thanks to all the people i've come in contact with. and i guess the most important lesson is still the one from freshman year, when sean told me that if i just carve out that time for God, things will rearrange themselves in the remaining time. the way i see sunday morning as taken, that can be so for other things too (like chi alpha). actually that can still be applied to many other things.. but oh well.
i have no idea why i'm feeling so odd today. i think i need to sleep. hopefully that's it. and eat more oranges and less fried/sweet things. i am honestly so terrible at discipline when it comes to food. i blame america for this. and the dorm buffet dining system. haha.
in need
i really haven't the foggiest idea why i've been so tired this week. i slept 9 hours on sunday night and yesterday night. i guess monday i was okay.. today i was tired in the afternoon. maybe it's the dsch project draining me... i've seen my team practically every day and we struggle with the same questions and it's just so tiring to keep diverging and converging and getting feedback which changes stuff and we go back to square 1 and repeat the process. i don't think i can be a designer, it just takes too much out of me. or maybe i'm just saying that cos i'm tired now.
and i guess i was also somewhat annoyed because i thought we were okay with the project and i could go to tahoe. although now, given that i'm doing that microsoft visit thing tmr it's probably not very possible since i'd have to somehow finish my 500 word essay (which is very unformed) in like 1.5 hrs before going to chris tomlin and all. sighhhh.
alright, i think i just need to sleep and all will be better tmr! although i do have a packed day, as usual. i haven't not had a packed day since... i dunno when. oh wait, sunday. i don't know why it's felt like it's been so long... hm. clearly, there is something wrong. ah well. bedtime!
friday night!
so i watched confessions of a shopaholic with selene, which was fun!!! haha. there were so many *gasp* moments though. i felt like i was making so much noise. anyhow... on reflection it really is a little like 27 dresses. girl is in denial about (insert flaw), meets guy, falls in love, guy finds out about said flaw (and oh no, trust is broken, -dramatic drumroll-), they break up, girl steels self to address said flaw, they meet again as guy finds out that girl has changed for the better and happy ending! yippee... haha ok that sounds so cynical in a way. but it is somewhat formulaic... the green scarf thing was kinda sweet though.
oh, on another note with being cynical. today we had a guest speaker from IDEO for our organizational behavior class, and half the products she talked about i had already heard about from my dschool class where one of the IDEO founders is on the teaching team! and i was just sitting there being okay... been there, heard that. it's quite amazing how much they've achieved though, relatively small company and so much coverage! i guess they do have a tie to Stanford with the dschool so that helps. but the guest speaker (who incidentally was the marketing head) was right, you can't do a graduate course at Stanford without hearing about/watching the shopping cart video. haha. but again... lyd said she watched it at SMU so i guess it's not just masters!
and last note. i really never thought about the abraham-sacrificing-isaac story very much, but since i've come here (i don't know when was the first time i really thought about it thanks to chi alpha prodding or something or other), it seems to have come up so much! especially recently, i guess. since i'm reading it in hebrew for biblical hebrew class, and then today at clare's bible study thing it was the passage... it is good though. to think about idolizing things/people/ideas and having an almost warped sort of love (to do with the whole idolizing thing again). or obsessive. i don't know. but it is so easy to fall into.. for me anyhow. okies, bedtime!!! what a crazy day.
the return...
of the work monster!
so i thought i was being on task by finishing my 261 pset early (for once. maybe twice.) and then today after dschool stuff i realize i have TONS of stuff to do. it's amazing how much time dsch stuff takes, i must rethink whether i want to apply to do another dsch class next quarter, it being my last quarter. man, that sounds so sad to say. but i have determined to fill it with fun stuff! well ok i have to find people who want to do fun stuff too but hopefully that won't be a huge problem.. although one of those things does include doing pearline's otter kayaking thing.. hm.
and tonight's chi alpha was quite powerful. including the fact that the guest speaker (dick schroeder) repeated something that i remembered so clearly from highway during the summer. that we must learn to accept and let go with open palms, instead of clenching to hold on and not being able to let go. and that relates to selfishness. it's funny though, i always thought i wasn't selfish until i realized all the little things which demonstrate how incredibly self-centered i am sometimes. i learnt to care for other people by seeing how jackie cared for her friends (her boys, as she calls them), to genuinely care about how other pple's days went instead of just asking it for the sake of courtesy. chi alpha helped with that too, i saw that with esther & company as well.
anyway... he gave us this sheet of paper contrasting selflessness (the embodiment of God) and selfishness and how one spirals outwards like the sun radiating its light outwards and leads to heaven, while the other spirals inwards like a black hole and leads to hell. very thought-provoking. anyway, i decided i needed to stick it up on my wall to remind me to not be so self-centered. and just now i could share in my roommate's joy of rearranging her room (silly as it sounds) and it felt good! better than just being like oh, cool, good for you.. it was fun to really care about what makes her happy too. :)
alright. now i have to go back to finishing 22 pages of reading for a case. ahhhh. pooft.
the power of a song
so i just felt like listening to a certain chinese pop song which i hadn't listened to in a while (寻友启示 - 明道/许孟哲) and it was a song that i had on replay a lot during summer. it brought back so many memories of walking down the streets of downtown san mateo to and from work, running/wandering along sandhill road and being at jackie's apartment. oh, and my first attempts at cooking, that was definitely interesting. it's amazing how much a song can bring to mind.
i guess i tend to replay songs over and over during a certain period of time and then it gets associated with whatever happens during that time.
update: feb 22 sunday. ah. 1000 years by kang eun soo (from the movie innocent steps) reminds me of freshman year cos i got hooked on the movie when i was on the way home - it's this korean dance show about this girl from china who gets "imported" to korea to learn to dance and falls in love with her teacher. but anyhow, i watched that show at least 4 times on the way back from SFO to SIN and so that song is forever associated with my first trip back home and that winter break. it's actually quite amazing how i can get so obsessed with things sometimes. rather unhealthy. what happened to moderation?! that's probably why i get these eating frenzies.. just like a shark.
metallica
so now i'm somewhat confused as to whether they're heavy metal or rock, but whichever it is, i don't really like it very much. but after watching almost 2 hours worth of the documentary (which i have to analyze for my organizational behavior class midterm), i think i actually appreciate the music somewhat (horror of horrors). i mean, they are pretty skillful, despite the fact that it is SO loud and they're always cursing. electric guitars are kinda cool. i think i still have about 20mins more to watch... the power of familiarity. it's kind of the same for highway (my current church) too, i didn't use to like the music very much but now i think i've kinda gotten used to it. although i still miss campbell's acappella sometimes.
anyhow, it was really quite amusing when i (very surprisingly) recognized one of metallica's songs while watching the video. like what are the odds right, since i really don't like that sort of music. (jackie: quick listen to smooth jazz to soothe your frazzled soul!) and then i decided to google the rock band songs (since that's the first thing that the video reminded me of) and i realized it's enter sandman i.e. dewen's & pearline's fav song to play on rock band... haha. it is really a challenge to watch 2+hrs worth of music i don't really like though, i must say.
it also doesn't help that this video is kinda about how dysfunctional the group is, so there's lots of conflict and such. being a very peace-leaving person, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. i guess i would do a lot to avoid conflict if i can.. anyhow. yes, so the combination of not-my-fav-music + dysfunctional group dynamics = bad.
which suddenly reminded me of how i think recruiting is so bad for the soul. i guess anything competitive is, really, in a sense. my roommate was saying that she's not used to failure, and after putting in so much effort into preparing for interviews and not being able to do well in them, it feels crappy. and it does, i've been through it twice. after you're past it it doesn't really matter anymore, but while you're still in that place, it feels terrible. and somewhat determinant of self-worth, which is a really bad idea but happens anyway... maybe that's called character-building, haha.
this weekend i'll be freeeee! as a bird! i feel like i ought to go do something exciting but don't know what that is. maybe i should go go-karting with akpsi... hm. but i don't really feel like it either. and next week's freeee too! but i've to figure out my job. ugh. i really hope i have an offer by the time i graduate so i can go home for summer and see everyone... pray hard.
random bible study note
so i'm doing this study called 'how God called his servants' which my pastor gave us.. and i was reading the front part of Ezekiel and somehow it just struck me as to what weird creatures people saw in their visions.
Ezekiel1:10 Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a man, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle.
like, seriously? creatures with 4 sided faces? that sounds kinda far-fetched man. those old testament prophets definitely saw some weird things. but anyhow. guess it goes to show how we've been so socialized to what's normal. it's like in sophie's world (jostein gaarder) where they give the example of how kids come into the world without much idea of what's supposed to be normal.. e.g. if they looked up and suddenly saw mom flying around the room, they wouldn't be very surprised but dad would probably freak out. cos dad has been in the world long enough to know that people mostly stay on the ground... kinda interesting. oh philosophy.
there's nothing like a hug from a friend when you need one! i'm so glad lorra came by.. for some reason i was feeling so blah after ski trip, even though it was SO nice to be on slopes again. despite, you know, snow/wind/amazingly limited visibility of about 10 feet (decreased to about 2-3 feet at certain points). it was rather enlightening to find out how it's like without being able to see.. i think all steepness of slopes became somewhat inconsequential because i couldn't see where the heck i was going so i was going pretty slowly, first of all, and i was just trying to carve my way down somehow or other, slowly.
although the powder was quite amazing, i kept telling rachael i'd never seen so much powder before! actually that may not be true, memories are always warped. but it was really quite wonderful. haha. although the sheer volume of powder made it a little harder to manage too. okay as usual my command of the english language seems to be leaving me as my powers of expression diminish... i probably need to hang out with jackie more. maybe her creative writing flair will inspire me.
anyway on hindsight i think i somewhat know why i was so blah, but it's terribly confusing. and it doesn't really matter for now anyhow... i almost feel like God sent Lorra over to remind me that He always cares. and some things are more important than whatever my mind is caught up with. but really, lorra is such an amazing bundle of joy (even though that makes her sound like a newborn child.. hm.)
amazing grace! ok, i feel better. gnite
aaaahhhhh
okay, i have no idea how this happened. so i actually kind of finished my 280 assignment early (well it's not completely done, but almost) on monday and joseph was so amazed, but somehow right now i'm struggling to finish my stuff and sleep enough! boo :( and my 280 group is somewhat dysfunctional, the irony. it's so awkward when people don't engage in discussion when they're supposed to. it's like one person says something, then there's silence. then someone else tries to say something, followed by silence. i don't even understand WHY that's happening.. now i know why sometimes people just volunteer to do most of the work cos they're not sure what'll happen if they don't. alright i should stop sounding like a martyr, it's actually kind of fun doing the organizing and somewhat fulfilling to have it in a nice structure. i am starting to sound crazy...
dsch proj takes up an amazing amount of time. i think i've spent at least 2hrs per day for the past 3 or 4 days working on it. it IS fun though, but it's just that it really does sap time like nobody's business! blah.
and then i start eating and eating and eating. and of course it doesn't help that i have restocked my snack supply thanks to lisa's car... so much for self control. devouring seems to be the order of the day. i almost wish i was like my roommate, she doesn't eat when she's stressed! i can't imagine how she functions, if i'm hungry i can't do anything. i bet ser & jackie'd agree.. that's probably why they're my good friends. ahah.
on another note, i am now hooked on israel houghton & new breed. i don't know why i like their rhythm/beat so much! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty0SO7IvtXM
just now i was thinking about the next couple of days and felt so reluctant to go to class and do presentations and take midterms. eek. fast-forward to tahoe pleaseeee.
the realization of graduation
i think i'm over this for the moment, but mommy asking me about wacky walk and papa telling me to make sure i've finished my university requirements and my logging onto stanford epay and seeing the following notice:
"ATTENTION UNDERGRADUATE SENIORS: You have reached the stage in your Undergraduate career at which you must carefully review your University Requirements (GERs, PWR, Language) in Axess in order to prepare for graduation. Please be aware that you must review your course, grade, and GER history in Axess and resolve any outstanding, unreported, and /or incomplete grades no later than April 12, 2009 (or March 1, 2009 if you are graduating Winter quarter). You must complete your remaining University and department requirements during your final quarters at Stanford."
it has such a final ring to it that is so depressing. it's like pearline's song. "(x & y place) will be so empty without you". it has the same kind of feeling. i guess graduation is supposed to be a happy occasion, that i survived (not yet, but soon, hopefully:p) and got a college degree and made friends and all that.
and then it brings me back to my brother's graduation. when i was wondering why all his friends were asian/asian american (now, i think i kind of know why), and wondering how he felt to be leaving a place after spending 4 years there, and wondering what sort of sadness it was. now that it's the year of my graduation, i'm beginning to wonder. but the reality of not living at stanford anymore won't set in until packing, i think.
and i still don't know what path lies ahead for me. although, jackie did tell me about this very interesting live-on-an-island-for-6-months thing which sounds very exotic! hahaha. it's weird though, i really don't feel the urge to make sure i stay in the US anymore. i'm not quite sure why either. maybe i'm just taking life in the US for granted now.
alright, back to my 60-notebook-page dschool assignment, of which i've completed about 1/2 of and spent at least 5 hours on so far.. ahhh. help me! limited time and so much stuff to do.
from my reading for organizational behaviour...
'Then there was Ambrose Vollard, the sponsor of Cézanne's first one-man show, at the age of fifty-six. At the urging of Pissarro, Renoir, Degas, and Monet, Vollard hunted down Cézanne in Aix. He spotted a still-life in a tree, where it had been flung by Cézanne in disgust. He poked around the town, putting the word out that he was in the market for Cézanne's canvases. In "Lost Earth: A Life of Cézanne," the biographer Philip Callow writes about what happened next:
Before long someone appeared at his hotel with an object wrapped in a cloth. He sold the picture for 150 francs, which inspired him to trot back to his house with the dealer to inspect several more magnificent Cézannes. Vollard paid a thousand francs for the job lot, then on the way out was nearly hit on the head by a canvas that had been overlooked, dropped out the window by the man's wife. All the pictures had been gathering dust, half buried in a pile of junk in the attic.
All this came before Vollard agreed to sit a hundred and fifty times, from eight in the morning to eleven-thirty, without a break, for a picture that Cézanne disgustedly abandoned. Once, Vollard recounted in his memoir, he fell asleep, and toppled off the makeshift platform. Cézanne berated him, incensed: "Does an apple move?" This is called friendship.' - from Gladwell's article on Late Bloomers.
hahaha. i have to say, i was quite amused.
new discoveries
certainly a very exciting year.. it's kind of funny to answer people who ask "did you go home for break?" and i'm like nope, i went to florida, bahamas and tahoe three times. exotic indeed. although it cost a LOT. actually i'm sure europe cost a substantial amount too, i guess i just had more money in my account at that point in time.
okay my train of thought derailed along the way cos it's been a day plus since i typed the above paragraph and my browser died on me -_-
BUT. we shall do a little update on my classes/roommate situation and .. whatever else i remember. my biblical hebrew class is rather exciting, although i was quite shocked when i walked into the first class and she started teaching us the vowels and part of the alphabet. so many squiggly lines! i told my pastor that, he laughed and said "but you learn chinese!" and i was like but it's different.. chinese has more strokes so it doesn't look so pictorial/sketchy... i don't know how to explain it.
anyway, we read the first verse of Genesis 1 on thursday (in the beginning, God created the heaven and earth). it was SO cool... as hard as it is to decipher hebrew in small font, it sent a delicious shiver down my spine. can't really explain it. i guess i felt like i was discovering how God spoke to people in the old testament or something. that was the language!!! i guess i've always been somewhat of a purist. only somewhat though... the original is always nice.
okay now we shall rewind to what happened before i got back... my last tahoe trip was certainly very eventful. it was snowstorming as we drove up. actually now that i think about it it's quite amazing that we didn't need chains at that time. anyway it totally reminded me of the first trip this season, snow blowing into the windshield and all. although when we got up there it was dark already at that time... anyhow. yes, snowy windy day, boarding was slightly miserable, i don't know if it was just as cold or a little better... but only a few lifts were open. kinda sad :( but boarding with pearline is so interesting, she is definitely v adventurous. tree-skiing, going down blacks (which i was certainly NOT contemplating and was mostly falling-leaf-ing down).. after the last run i was like i am NEVER going on a black again... and then wait to hear what happens the next day:
second day @ heavenly was good! very clear and pretty.. yay for ridge run and lake tahoe view. i looove that run. anyhow, we had a good time with the other cornell ppl, i was just amused at how huangyu kept sitting down. and he's a skiier! ah.. so, the concluding run - we were coming down roundabout and having experienced the pain of having to unstrap and walk over some flat parts, yuanxiang was like eh, let's do gunbarrel instead. the sign said it was a black. and i clearly remembered the pain of unstrapping etc and i thought it was a black, should be manageable albeit not the best, so.. i said okay! and then we started going down the slope and it was CRAZY. why?? we discovered later (after surviving down the slope i.e. sliding down as best as possible) it was a DOUBLE BLACKKK. i kept blaming yx after :p and we only realized how long the slope was after we'd come down because, as yx said, we were focused on short term survival while coming down.. absolutely ridiculous :p
oh, we went to the outdoor hot tub in the hotel.. it was pretty good! despite the slight shivering before getting in and after getting out..
and then third day we ended up going to sierra. a little bit of deja vu again since i'd been there the previous weekend. but unfortunately.. i think i was kinda tired and for some odd reason somewhat hungry even though i did have breakfast and all.. maybe i really can't do more than 2 days. anyhow. on one of the blue slopes i somehow managed to catch my board and flipped somehow or other and hit my head on the slope... ouch. it was SO painful. my first thought was "great.. this is exactly what mommy told me not to do". second thought "i was praying for safety! why'd God let me injure myself!" (kinda irrational really) and third "crap! i need to graduate!" opened my eyes, saw stars on the left side, decided i needed to close my eyes.
after a few minutes this skiier stopped in front of me and asked "are you okay?" and i opened my eyes and was like yeah.. i'm just going to sit here for a while. and he had my hat/goggles (they flew off when i hit the slope) so i was very thankful. anyhow after that i still had to board down the slope, but carving was giving me a headache so it was actually quite a pain to get down (yes, very tragic). but basically i decided i was done for the day and went to rest.. it was somewhaat cold though.. headache continued throughout the night and jackie almost freaked me out cos she was like GO TO A HOSPITAL IF THERE'S BLINDING PAIN!!! and i guess either i can tolerate pain or i don't like going to doctors when i don't absolutely have to, cos i was thinking that it's a similar kind of pain as if i had just gotten sick and was moving around a little too much than i ought to. but thankfully after sleep it was better..
okay. done with the whole tahoe episode. so i move in, and this girl comes in the door and says "hi! i'm mattie! my stuff is in your room" and i'm somewhat surprised, cos i thought lilianna was going to be my roommate right. but i thought oh, maybe something changed along the way so i shut my gaping mouth and was like hi! etcetc. and then later i find out that there was a mixup. man.. awkward situation. well anyway thankfully it worked out...
and then classes-wise, i was kinda confused about what to take and all but thankfully i was blessed and got into the classes i wanted! although... i had a terrible moment with the dschool class. because i realized, with a sinking heart, that this class has SATURDAY labs. meaning no more boarding for me! well, unless it's president's day weekend. but then i was like heck, dschool classes are hard to get into and i may not get to take one next quarter either (and i'd already been rejected by two, i think). so i'll just apply and if God lets me get in i'll take it as a sign. so.. i did get in and my classes are settled and i almost know all the classes i'm taking next quarter too! not bad...
ah. yes. karo's bday dinner last night was lovely. haven't seen the XA girls in a while.. not in a grp, anyway. twas great fun. although it was rather interesting that half the night was centered around guys..... heh. i guess for different groups (of people) there're different conversation focuses. the only thing was that i didn't do my 280 reading/hw so had to cram it today.. i think it was alright though. i hope. -prays hard-
lazy lazy me. really need to restart the job hunt.. i kinda like my schedule this quarter though. even though i can't believe i reneged on my promise to myself not to take 9am classes! i guess kash is right though, at least it's near enough at the econ building. and it's a midterm/final class so shouldn't be so much work. basically it's mon 4-6pm, tues/thurs 9am-2pm, wed 1-3, 4-6, fri 1-3.