just watched chocolat. i love the music! and johnny depp! haha. my all-time favourite actor. actually more like the only one. anyway, the town reminded me of italy! the basilica and the statue outside. i can see loreto in my mind. was that the townsquare? ah just checked the postcard. it's called virgin square. why, i can't imagine. but i remember me n candice sitting at the fountain eating pizza:) although it started getting kind of cold in the evening. ohhh i totally remember freezing on the first night we went to perform! (and falling asleep in the basilica thanks to jet lag) rofl. ahh. where are all my choirmates? suddenly miss them. okay i think i'm very capricious sometimes.
anyway the town reminded me of italy. because of the ancient architecture and what not. and then also of french/france. i wish it had been in french though haha. i'm so so rusty it's terrible. and my chinese is in a worse state i think. esp cos i haven't written in chinese for so long. ugh. i keep intending to go read some book to stem the decline but haven't gotten round to it. as usual.
and today i saw caneles! at bakerzin. (as lyd says, what a poseurish name) anyway, reminded me of immersion too. i think cheukka agrees with me that it's horrible:p although it's supposed to be an acquired taste. which i evidently have not acquired. oh it's a bordeaux speciality. ohh ser if you read this, do you remember the almond-shaped thing monsieur yong let us try? i think it was almond paste with some marzipan/icing on top. so yummy. i forgot the name though:(
alright. very reminiscient-ish time tonight. okay and i also need to go sleep soon
one of my other favourite quotes:
Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
(It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye.)
I prefer the french version. anyway, it's by Antoine de St. Exupery. from The Little Prince.
suddenly, i'm very scared. after talking to one of my seniors just now about courses and rooming and blah, the enormity of it has just dawned on me. and it's overwhelming. i'll definitely have a roommate. not that it's a bad thing exactly but it's just different. like i was telling serene it's so different from everything we've gone through so far.. it's like everything has been planned out, just follow the system without thinking - the "default" path (like they said during my med interview)
and then now i have to plan 4 years' worth of courses (which don't even stay constant, which makes it even harder) and i have no friends going with me. actually, i suppose most people don't, but still.. i like solitude sometimes but it still seems rather daunting to be alone to face so much new stuff. i know seniors who're already there and some of the people who'll be matriculating this year but.. okay i have a lot of "buts" today. fitting in alone may or may not be easier. and how americans are all so confident. (and loud). stereotypically.
and then arranging with my bro to get some of his stuff n etc.. i'll probably have to go and buy a bike if not i'll never get to classes on time. and make sure it doesn't get stolen haha.
i guess it's just a very huge transition. luckily i leave later than most people.. still have time heh.
well well well.. looks like the decision has been made for me anyway. rather relieved in a sense although there's this sneaking feeling of laziness. i mean, if they'd accepted me i probably wouldn't have stayed, but i would still have to spend a little more time deliberating. so, stanford here i come! haha. woohoo~ finally i can concentrate.
anyway star wars was quite cool.. although i really cannot remember what the first episode was about (it was the only one i watched, way back in sec 1 or sth.. with yingling n chris i think?) and it's so tragic that anakin became so ugly (as darth vader). totally gross.
i wonder if my parents/brother are unhappy with what happened. oh well.
ah, i suddenly remembered i forgot to talk about class outing haha. saw pple i haven't seen in quite some time.. and mrs kwan came! yay. i was telling her how we missed her in jc cos there was nobody to care about us haha. she doesn't look any different actually. oh yes agree with chris that the calamari rings were v nice. so was the ice cream haha. audry horrified at shiqin's green fingernails and berating jiahui for her taste in food was funny.
and i'm so tired. oh wait something lijia said is so true, when you stay at home all day you feel even more lethargic. day is filled with eating and sleeping. haha. and i kinda wish i didn't buy the quidam dvd cos now i don't think i want to spend extra $$ watching it live but still!! aahh.
yesterday my brother told me i ought to be thinking about the nus-stanford thing every day, and i was like "wat?? do you want me to go mad?" and he said "no you won't.. and you need to uless you're going to make the decision in a day". which is true i suppose. but of course if i don't get in here there's nothing to think about haha. anyway, that's why my description has been changed to "currently very confused clar". alliteration!
i think i'm a little out of sorts today.
right i never posted about my last day. oh well. i spent the afternoon+evening reading gerald durrell bks in the library:p didn't manage to finish the last one though! (i.e. i only finished one and half of the other one) wat to do, couldn't read fast enough .haha.
played taboo with b10, one of them was like "satay is ___" and another one said "fried". i was trying to mark this essay which was handed up late and choked when i heard that.
oh and i met one of my students at cine today! haha. fiona was v amused. and said i'm shorter than them -grr- not my fault lah.. aiyah. anyway usually they're sitting down and i'm standing up so there..
oh yes i bought a v nice shirt yesterday at a gd price so i'm v happy:) think heartlands are better for shopping.. and i have a new pair of shoes! they feel a bit funny though somehow.. even though they're nice and comfortable. hmm.
tomorrow i have nothing to do. mom wants me to find a job until next thurs.. how possible is that? aiyah. i don't know what i want to do also. everything has its gd n bad points.
so tired. heh today was last lesson with arts class.. one of them asked "will you miss us?" and i said "of course" and another one said "she's lying". anyhow, i'll miss the nonsense the front row ppl spouted.. they're so funny.. and at least they talked during lessons, made my life easier in a way. very likeable crowd in any case. although i don't think they learnt very much from me somehow.
and i realised i still have essays to mark. oops. i think i get very distracted sometimes. it's really painful reading the not-so-good ones sometimes, i can't even figure out whether they answered the question or not. or maybe that's cos i read too many essays. dunno lah, and those i have left are mostly tmr's 1st class.. means i have to finish them fast! aah!
i wonder if what i read defines me, or i define what i read. okay that probably doesn't make sense. cos i was reading stuff about my zodiac (somehow i find it quite fun) and i agree with some things but not others. right i don't think i'm making much sense, should probably get off and go sleep/mark essays if possible:
augh. i'm feeling so guilty. there're supposed to be 2 sm2 scholars in one of my gp classes and i kept forgetting to go and ask the cts why they didn't turn up. and now it's like 2 more weeks and the teacher is coming back.. die.. but aiyah this is jc after all shouldn't they be responsible for themselves.. okay i'm just pushing the blame to them. ugh.
haha it's the last 2 days of school and i already don't feel like going. and why do they have to leave tmr as thurs timetable?? i planned for the original monday timetable lah!! ahh. now i have no idea how to entertain my arts class for 1h40. groan.
ow. i hope i don't get bruises tomorrow. anyway, today, in the morning, i had a huge shock when someone called "clarissa" while i was walking to class. first reaction: hmm, i don't think any of my students remember my name. anyway, turned around to see HOD. right, so what could he possibly have to say to me? the teacher whom i'm replacing is coming back this sat! (okay either i wasn't thinking straight or his phrasing was really weird cos i was quite puzzled at first)
and i wonder when he was going to tell me if he hadn't met me in the corridor today. hmm. anyway, i'm glad i don't have to plan somemore lessons, but of course i'll be stoning around for the nxt 1.5 weeks. (without pay). haha. i'll be glad not to wake up at 7+ though.. out of habit i actually did that on saturday.. was so annoyed with myself!:(
anyway today was a 1/3 day! haha. reward for gd syf results. ended at 11.40 but lyd came over to get something frm me so i ended up staying till 3.30 to mark/plan lessons. it was really gd to see lyd anyhow, she's so cute n amusing heh. whined about how long it took to walk to nj main gate (i totally empathise) and then later complained that the ice kachang didn't have enough red beans. and took forever to decide what to eat.. and came into the staffroom and laughed at my students' essays. that's one thing i'll kind of miss, actually. while marking is rather tedious sometimes there are the highlights of the day.
latest quote from student's essay (i must add that i was quite, quite aghast): A television has a hidden function which is quite similar to the general function of a vacuum cleaner, except that vacuum cleaners suck up the dirty stuffs while televisions "suck" out the "soul and spirit" of many people, changing them into couch potatoes. (at this point, i wrote "they have no soul/spirit?? oh dear")
haha this is SO funny i had to blog it.. quote from my student's essay:
"there were incidents whereby young children, misguided by the idea of supernaturality, jumped off buildings in an attempt to fly like their childhood heroes, to eventually end up with a death worse than that of most birds that fly in the Birdpark"
(of course i corrected all the grammar and etc already)
so i wrote at the side "do they die a very horrible death most of the time?"
hahaha. i wonder what she was thinking.. maybe that the birds get chopped up and sent to the zoo for food. although it's probably just the association with flying things.
from the far side:
cow-seeking-advice consults cow guru, who dispenses the following advice: "And, as you travel life's highway, don't forget to stop and eat the roses."
haha. i like deadpan humour.
anyway, mom was showing me stuff me/my bro wrote last time.. which just proves my point that guys are more amusing than girls mostly. i remember all the stories i wrote were about fairies/goblins/horses/dogs etc.. the fairytale wonderland. i think i must've read too much enid blyton. or maybe fairies just appealed to me because of their perfection. and of course my stories always had the requisite happy endings. i realised watever i wrote about reflected my idea of a happy life i.e. one horse and one dog per person and having a huge field to keep the animals in and playing with them every day.
i just remembered something i thought about last year. how i'm afraid i'll forget how to see things from a child's point of view. as it is as a teacher i've forgotten how it's like to be a student. until junming reminded me. that was for when i was teaching phys at rj but still..
i'm also afraid i'll lose my sense of humour (if i had much of it to begin with) and grow pokey and stiff and prim and proper as i get older. it's not such a unprobable scenario when you think about it. we've already lost so much innocence/candour so far and it's only been like two decades..
okay now for amusement, here's a gem that i dug up from secondary school days.
context: along the road outside rgs there are (or were?) two signboards, on either side of the main gate. parents' cars are not allowed to enter the school, students are supposed to alight either before the 1st signboard or after the 2nd. prefects stand at these signboards making sure everyone alights in the accepted zone.
so, one day my mom stopped her car - part of it was in front of the 2nd signboard and part of it was behind. so i alighted, in front of the 2nd signboard, and promptly got booked.
a booking entitles you to a visit to the RTC. unfortunately, its full name has slipped my mind. ah, chris has just enlightened me - Responsible Thinking Classroom. i totally forgot! anyway, at the RTC, one is supposed to design a plan to avoid committing the same offence.
here is my plan. (and no, i didn't submit this, it was just something done for fun at home, with the help of my brother, mostly. i can't remember if my parents contributed suggestions)
- Next time I’ll crawl to the front seat and get out
- I’ll make the space between the front seat wider so that it’ll be easier to crawl through. Or better still, I’ll hack down the whole front seat! Then I can just walk through
- I’ll sit on the bonnet
- Revamp the car so that the driver’s seat is behind
-- Changing the car will take around 2 to 3 years so you will have to wait - Stretch my leg as far as possible so that it reaches the sign and step out.
-- Getting my legs to be long enough will take around 5 years and by that time I’ll be out of RGS - I’ll train to run fast like Carl Lewis, then I’ll stop in between the 2 signs and sprint to school so that the SLs and PITs and Prefects cannot catch me. It will also train me for my 2.4 km run, so that I will not have to keep re-running till I get a c.
- Open the door before the sign, say ‘oops’ to the prefects, then drive on and get out
- Crawl to the front seat, get out, go to the back seat, and get bag out
- If my car were smaller then I would have gotten out before the sign. Unfortunately, big cars are needed to contain more people so I am afraid it is not my fault.
- My father says that only traffic police can put up signs on the road because it is the main road
- My whole family thinks that I should just throw the slip away and not go for RTC
- Next time, I’ll stop there, and my mother will come out and push the sign back so that I can alight
- When I alight there, I’ll make sure no one is looking
time to complain abt med interview! man, just wanted to think "screw them, i'm going stanford". okay that isn't a very nice way of putting it but they really pissed me off. i think i get worked up too easily. i mean, the 1st interview started late (5-10mins) cos they just came back frm lunch break. and then there was one caucasian guy, one chinese lady, one indian guy. the first two were really annoying. the lady kept grimacing at me, and the guy kept raising an eyebrow at me (maybe there was something wrong with his facial muscles but i doubt it). like looking totally cynical at whatever i said.. i'm like, if you can't even bother to look polite don't come and interview pple.. but again i hear the psc pple sleep, which is even worse/just as bad.
whatever it is i still think it's basic courtesy to accord some respect to the interviewee.
oh and this takes the cake. upon looking thru my resume again the indian guy asked "do you have time to play?" and i'm wondering "play?" and the chinese lady went "yeah, play, don't you know the meaning of the word 'play'?"
lyd said it was amusing but really, when i was in there it wasn't. it was rather rude the way she was so sarcastic. i told them i was rather puzzled by there being zero context.. anyway pple don't normally phrase it in such a weird way. whatever it is, i regret not telling them off. mom reminded me about how i could use sarcasm.. darn. i'm too rusty.. my so-called "caustic wit" (if i had any to start with) has flown! augh.
anyway, i've realised it is definitely not a good idea to write unconventional things in personal statements for spore unis cos they immediately jump on it and attack you. so much for singapore being open and embracing creativity and whatever other crap.. okay i think i'm probably not being very rational at the moment.. it is the job of interviewers to put you in a spot.
watever, i shall go do something else and unwind.. haha.
haha, i was just marking one of my students' essays and the topic was "Travel is an education in itself. Comment." quote from his essay "... Thus, it can clearly be said that travel is an education in itself. (next paragraph) Why so, you ask? What knowledge of any sort can possibly be garnered from travels? If you are guilty of asking these queries, then it is obvious what your idea of education is." so I showed it to jieying and asked her opinion. and she said something along the lines of how it would be a gd idea not to piss off the examiners.. haha.
yay! today's last (okay, 2nd and last) lesson is cancelled cos the j1s are off to visit ocs.. i desperately need the time to prep for interview, methinks.
hahaha.. i just had a very amusing time. jieying showed me one of her students' essays.. which consisted of 10 hypothetical characters.. (the topic was: in what ways can lying be justified) and he even named most of them! and then later willa was telling us one of her students tried to define "television" in his essay.. we couldn't stop laughing.. man.. i didn't think such things happen in JC. oh a quote from one of the essays "james' pocket money was running very quickly". i'm sure it could have won an olympic sprint!
ow. feeling battered. anyway, i just realised i met 2 guys who answered, upon my asking how old they were, "how old do you think i look?" i thought it was only girls who did that, but apparently not. maybe it is really a singaporean/asian thing to look younger than one's age, like m. kalife said.
and my interview's on friday! i really hate interviews la. ugh. esp preparing for them. and of cos the real thing too. and the aftermath. okay that's like everything about them. and i still have to figure out to make sure my gp lessons are vaguely interesting. which seems like impossible. or else a lot of work.
not much to say today. and i actually suddenly thought of the phrase "i've been waiting for you all my life" on the way home.. dunno why, just remembered it from a song/book. but have decided to remove it as a blog title bcos dearest ser says it sounds like i'm attached. blah. anyway, yes i shall get off soon.. yay i like my new blog template:) even though it's koped. haha.
"I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde
I love that quote. haha. no, let me correct myself, i love oscar wilde.. he has such sardonic wit. i hope that's the correct adjective. somehow i'm sure there's a better way to describe it.. excellence use of irony? i wonder if there's such thing as ironic wit. anyway, this is why i like "the importance of being earnest" haha. among the rest.
i'm in a happier mood today yay:)
lunch w pam n joon was nice:) i should've eaten dessert though.. oh well. must get used to feeling poor. it's always lovely to meet up:) however, there're always awkward silences. it's kind of like, whatever we've shared is in the past, and now everyone's doing different stuff.. or maybe it's just me. i know a lot of people have been reflecting on what friendships are built on. it is nice to find out what everyone else is/has been doing.. okay i'm going off track, can think about that another time - i gotta plan lessons! ahh.
oh dear. i wanted to say something but forgot. anyway, i got back maybe 1/2hr ago. so tired! but it was quite a gd dinner.. surprisingly didn't feel that full, i must be getting fat: anyway, i coincidentally met lijia at topshop! while i was trying to get the tag removed from my shirt.. my dad ah.. haha i asked him to get me a shirt frm las vegas and the guy in the shop didn't remove the tag! and dad didn't realise.. oh well. he's trying to remove the tag now haha.
for the record, my dad bought me 2 bags frm vegas:D his taste is actually quite good, and it also saves me the trouble of buying my own bags:p i think i take forever to buy stuff.
anyway, yeah, then chris arrived.. and lyd.. and we waited like 10mins (luckily it wasn't the predicted 1/2hr) and got table.. then puee came along.. i haven't seen puee in ages! gd thing chris asked her to come:) and we heard a number of stories abt rgs.. i miss rg.. drove past the sch a few times in the past week and was just reliving those days in my mind. and puee seems to be the only one enjoying the time-btwn-end-of-jc-and-uni so much so that she doesn't want to go back to sch.. while the rest of us all prefer it. i guess there're pros and cons.
shall branch off for a moment. what i like abt now: no homework! (haha well, sort of. that's a huge plus) i just feel more free to do whatever i want.. well of course there's the problem of earning my keep, but besides that.. everything's my choice.
what i don't like abt now: end up doing mostly brainless stuff/having to find something meaningful... as in compared to in sch, everything's set out for you, just follow the system. go do your ccas, study for tests/exams, ace them, ... don't have to think about getting a job/what job to get/etc
yeah anyway, later jane came along.. her law interview questions were hilarious.. actually on 2nd thoughts it's the way that she recounted them that was so amusing..
and we met the interact club pple! so cool, were sitting at starbucks outside (my main complaint: a LOT of cigarette smoke, which i simply can't stand) and i was idly staring at the glass pane and saw dearest fiona! haha. so called her, they came out to talk to us.. hwying stayed on to talk.. i also haven't met her in a long time. not that i was close to her to start with.. but well, it's always nice to meet fellow-geppers.
so, ended up talking until 11.45 when mom called and i realised that oh no, there's no bus/mrt left! sharks. so much for spore with a bustling nightlife.. rather contemptuous of it. okay that's a rather strong word.. but i don't know how to say it.. ahh. my lack of vocab is very disturbing.
okay i'm really tired.. shall give up. and somehow, when me n chris got to city hall, the only trains left were going to kranji/pasir ris. so weird.
ah. upon rummaging through the newspapers for friday i have discovered the author of my "in our no-nonsense approach..." quote. his name is peh shing huei. okay the complete quote: "In our no-nonsense approach to life, we lost that bit of idealism, romance and passion. We sacrificed on brilliance, flair and creativity. We denied ourselves geniuses and great men."
and there's another part that i find is so true "Instead of pursuing our passions, Singaporeans are conditioned by the need to survive and to have a safety net. Often, we don't do things because we like it. We do it because it is practical." this is exactly why i didn't want to do things like apply for 10 over scholarships (not faulting those who did, i'm feeling the consequences now), cos I know I'd end up applying to places I'd never want to work in. But again since I still don't know what I want to do in future maybe I'm a little off-centre. And maybe it's better to be pragmatic than face the kind of situation I'm facing now.
The long phone conversation last night was an eye-opener, though most of the time my mom was the one talking to my brother. and I really felt quite lousy after that. Unfortunately everything was true. although i think if i push myself i probably can do whatever i want to.. i have to want to push myself first. sigh.
i also realised the part about feeling demoralised there would materialise VERY soon, when i find that everyone else is/seems a whole lot better than me in all sorts of things. that's something i didn't really think about. something like what serene said about how intelligent the people there will be. well for her case it's mit but i guess it's mostly the same in the top few unis.
i think being away from school has made me forgot what it's like to feel absolutely dumb with pple like changmou/yaozong/miaoyue/etc around.. esp during chem s. haha.
anyway, i also just realised last night that if i do medicine, after 8 years i'm only qualified to be a GP and i'll have to spend more time studying to specialise. doesn't sound that fantastic huh. but since i don't like working maybe studying is better.
i'm so glad i'll get to see the rest later.. haven't talked to them in ages:) and there'll be nice food too! the only problem is that i'm going to feel very poor.. i already have no $$ left in my wallet. well. and another thing, going on parents' money equals extra pressure to do well/spend less.
whatever it is, for now i shall focus on planning next week's classes (ahh!) and preparing for med interview (if i don't get in i'll have no choice, which is not necessarily a good thing)
ugh. mom is confusing me by telling me all sorts of conflicting things. "u can never earn back 400k u noe" "if u go there u'll become more extroverted" "400k is a lot for education" "now u still don't know what you want to do anyway"
when i'm in a bad mood, rock music makes me feel better. maybe the extra noise + beats drown out anything else in my head..
I pray to God to show me the way
Excerpt from Moya Brennan's "Show Me":
Show me the way, where I belong
Please show me the way to find you
Show me the way to hear your song
anyway am talking to weiying now yay.. miss her lots. haha. i guess like she said, i should be choosing between the careers not the school. though right now it's stanford vs doctor (not so much nus, cos i somehow don't like them haha)
My Favorite Things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver-white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
(repeat)
gretl: why don't I feel any better?
that lil girl is so cute..
anyway, i guess i feel a bit better.. shall just wait for med interview first and see what happens (my really favourite phrase) this is a cycle though, i remember yesterday i felt just as despondent in the morning before going to school.
unfortunately, rational thoughts reign for the day after a night's rest. and listening to my dad has just reminded me of how impractical it is to attempt to earn $330 000. i should go be a us citizen.. so, maybe i'll resign myself to becoming a doctor instead of draining my dad's money. it's not an easy choice to make, but like fiona says, i have to consider practicality too. maybe i should've applied for more scholarships, but being idealistic as I am, i didn't want to apply to places where i wouldn't want to spend 6 years working. as it was i wasn't even sure I wanted to work at those places i applied to. heh. okay i'm probably not making sense anymore.
for the past 2 years i've been hoping to escape but i guess that probably isn't going to happen and i'll have to face up to everything i've wanted to run away from.
oh and i realised something, i forgot to clarify about the law interview.. apparently if i get offered med i won't get an offer from law, so actually i sort of already made my decision when i put ecl as 2nd choice