hakuna matata

end quarter blues

last night, at the last bible study for the graduating chi alpha people, my christian fellowship pastor glen was praying for us and a phrase just stuck in my mind - "as they take their last classes at stanford next quarter". i mean, there was definitely more to the whole prayer but since this is something i've been thinking about for a while, that's the phrase that stuck. it is so surreal. i've probably repeated this at least three times this year but i still can't get over how fast 4 years have flown by! i guess i did realize every year when i came back and had to adjust to being a "sophomore", then a "junior", and now a senior... it's kind of like getting older. somewhere in jc i kept thinking i was 16 and always had to count to figure out my age (happens sometimes now too) and i also cannot believe i'm turning 23 this year, it's scary [sorry to people who've had birthdays already :p]

and my pastor also told us that we'd be having a senior farewell sort of thing at the last chi alpha next quarter and that we should think about what we'd say (share) with the younger 'uns. haha. the irony is that i think i did spend time hanging out more in my sophomore/some of junior year, but not so much this year, unfortunately.. even so, my spiritual growth here has far surpassed that at home thanks to all the people i've come in contact with. and i guess the most important lesson is still the one from freshman year, when sean told me that if i just carve out that time for God, things will rearrange themselves in the remaining time. the way i see sunday morning as taken, that can be so for other things too (like chi alpha). actually that can still be applied to many other things.. but oh well.

i have no idea why i'm feeling so odd today. i think i need to sleep. hopefully that's it. and eat more oranges and less fried/sweet things. i am honestly so terrible at discipline when it comes to food. i blame america for this. and the dorm buffet dining system. haha.

in need

i really haven't the foggiest idea why i've been so tired this week. i slept 9 hours on sunday night and yesterday night. i guess monday i was okay.. today i was tired in the afternoon. maybe it's the dsch project draining me... i've seen my team practically every day and we struggle with the same questions and it's just so tiring to keep diverging and converging and getting feedback which changes stuff and we go back to square 1 and repeat the process. i don't think i can be a designer, it just takes too much out of me. or maybe i'm just saying that cos i'm tired now.

and i guess i was also somewhat annoyed because i thought we were okay with the project and i could go to tahoe. although now, given that i'm doing that microsoft visit thing tmr it's probably not very possible since i'd have to somehow finish my 500 word essay (which is very unformed) in like 1.5 hrs before going to chris tomlin and all. sighhhh.

alright, i think i just need to sleep and all will be better tmr! although i do have a packed day, as usual. i haven't not had a packed day since... i dunno when. oh wait, sunday. i don't know why it's felt like it's been so long... hm. clearly, there is something wrong. ah well. bedtime!

friday night!

so i watched confessions of a shopaholic with selene, which was fun!!! haha. there were so many *gasp* moments though. i felt like i was making so much noise. anyhow... on reflection it really is a little like 27 dresses. girl is in denial about (insert flaw), meets guy, falls in love, guy finds out about said flaw (and oh no, trust is broken, -dramatic drumroll-), they break up, girl steels self to address said flaw, they meet again as guy finds out that girl has changed for the better and happy ending! yippee... haha ok that sounds so cynical in a way. but it is somewhat formulaic... the green scarf thing was kinda sweet though.

oh, on another note with being cynical. today we had a guest speaker from IDEO for our organizational behavior class, and half the products she talked about i had already heard about from my dschool class where one of the IDEO founders is on the teaching team! and i was just sitting there being okay... been there, heard that. it's quite amazing how much they've achieved though, relatively small company and so much coverage! i guess they do have a tie to Stanford with the dschool so that helps. but the guest speaker (who incidentally was the marketing head) was right, you can't do a graduate course at Stanford without hearing about/watching the shopping cart video. haha. but again... lyd said she watched it at SMU so i guess it's not just masters!

and last note. i really never thought about the abraham-sacrificing-isaac story very much, but since i've come here (i don't know when was the first time i really thought about it thanks to chi alpha prodding or something or other), it seems to have come up so much! especially recently, i guess. since i'm reading it in hebrew for biblical hebrew class, and then today at clare's bible study thing it was the passage... it is good though. to think about idolizing things/people/ideas and having an almost warped sort of love (to do with the whole idolizing thing again). or obsessive. i don't know. but it is so easy to fall into.. for me anyhow. okies, bedtime!!! what a crazy day.

the return...

of the work monster!

so i thought i was being on task by finishing my 261 pset early (for once. maybe twice.) and then today after dschool stuff i realize i have TONS of stuff to do. it's amazing how much time dsch stuff takes, i must rethink whether i want to apply to do another dsch class next quarter, it being my last quarter. man, that sounds so sad to say. but i have determined to fill it with fun stuff! well ok i have to find people who want to do fun stuff too but hopefully that won't be a huge problem.. although one of those things does include doing pearline's otter kayaking thing.. hm.

and tonight's chi alpha was quite powerful. including the fact that the guest speaker (dick schroeder) repeated something that i remembered so clearly from highway during the summer. that we must learn to accept and let go with open palms, instead of clenching to hold on and not being able to let go. and that relates to selfishness. it's funny though, i always thought i wasn't selfish until i realized all the little things which demonstrate how incredibly self-centered i am sometimes. i learnt to care for other people by seeing how jackie cared for her friends (her boys, as she calls them), to genuinely care about how other pple's days went instead of just asking it for the sake of courtesy. chi alpha helped with that too, i saw that with esther & company as well.

anyway... he gave us this sheet of paper contrasting selflessness (the embodiment of God) and selfishness and how one spirals outwards like the sun radiating its light outwards and leads to heaven, while the other spirals inwards like a black hole and leads to hell. very thought-provoking. anyway, i decided i needed to stick it up on my wall to remind me to not be so self-centered. and just now i could share in my roommate's joy of rearranging her room (silly as it sounds) and it felt good! better than just being like oh, cool, good for you.. it was fun to really care about what makes her happy too. :)

alright. now i have to go back to finishing 22 pages of reading for a case. ahhhh. pooft.

the power of a song

so i just felt like listening to a certain chinese pop song which i hadn't listened to in a while (寻友启示 - 明道/许孟哲) and it was a song that i had on replay a lot during summer. it brought back so many memories of walking down the streets of downtown san mateo to and from work, running/wandering along sandhill road and being at jackie's apartment. oh, and my first attempts at cooking, that was definitely interesting. it's amazing how much a song can bring to mind.

i guess i tend to replay songs over and over during a certain period of time and then it gets associated with whatever happens during that time.

update: feb 22 sunday. ah. 1000 years by kang eun soo (from the movie innocent steps) reminds me of freshman year cos i got hooked on the movie when i was on the way home - it's this korean dance show about this girl from china who gets "imported" to korea to learn to dance and falls in love with her teacher. but anyhow, i watched that show at least 4 times on the way back from SFO to SIN and so that song is forever associated with my first trip back home and that winter break. it's actually quite amazing how i can get so obsessed with things sometimes. rather unhealthy. what happened to moderation?! that's probably why i get these eating frenzies.. just like a shark.

metallica

so now i'm somewhat confused as to whether they're heavy metal or rock, but whichever it is, i don't really like it very much. but after watching almost 2 hours worth of the documentary (which i have to analyze for my organizational behavior class midterm), i think i actually appreciate the music somewhat (horror of horrors). i mean, they are pretty skillful, despite the fact that it is SO loud and they're always cursing. electric guitars are kinda cool. i think i still have about 20mins more to watch... the power of familiarity. it's kind of the same for highway (my current church) too, i didn't use to like the music very much but now i think i've kinda gotten used to it. although i still miss campbell's acappella sometimes.

anyhow, it was really quite amusing when i (very surprisingly) recognized one of metallica's songs while watching the video. like what are the odds right, since i really don't like that sort of music. (jackie: quick listen to smooth jazz to soothe your frazzled soul!) and then i decided to google the rock band songs (since that's the first thing that the video reminded me of) and i realized it's enter sandman i.e. dewen's & pearline's fav song to play on rock band... haha. it is really a challenge to watch 2+hrs worth of music i don't really like though, i must say.

it also doesn't help that this video is kinda about how dysfunctional the group is, so there's lots of conflict and such. being a very peace-leaving person, it makes me feel so uncomfortable. i guess i would do a lot to avoid conflict if i can.. anyhow. yes, so the combination of not-my-fav-music + dysfunctional group dynamics = bad.

which suddenly reminded me of how i think recruiting is so bad for the soul. i guess anything competitive is, really, in a sense. my roommate was saying that she's not used to failure, and after putting in so much effort into preparing for interviews and not being able to do well in them, it feels crappy. and it does, i've been through it twice. after you're past it it doesn't really matter anymore, but while you're still in that place, it feels terrible. and somewhat determinant of self-worth, which is a really bad idea but happens anyway... maybe that's called character-building, haha.

this weekend i'll be freeeee! as a bird! i feel like i ought to go do something exciting but don't know what that is. maybe i should go go-karting with akpsi... hm. but i don't really feel like it either. and next week's freeee too! but i've to figure out my job. ugh. i really hope i have an offer by the time i graduate so i can go home for summer and see everyone... pray hard.

random bible study note

so i'm doing this study called 'how God called his servants' which my pastor gave us.. and i was reading the front part of Ezekiel and somehow it just struck me as to what weird creatures people saw in their visions.

Ezekiel1:10 Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a man, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle.

like, seriously? creatures with 4 sided faces? that sounds kinda far-fetched man. those old testament prophets definitely saw some weird things. but anyhow. guess it goes to show how we've been so socialized to what's normal. it's like in sophie's world (jostein gaarder) where they give the example of how kids come into the world without much idea of what's supposed to be normal.. e.g. if they looked up and suddenly saw mom flying around the room, they wouldn't be very surprised but dad would probably freak out. cos dad has been in the world long enough to know that people mostly stay on the ground... kinda interesting. oh philosophy.

there's nothing like a hug from a friend when you need one! i'm so glad lorra came by.. for some reason i was feeling so blah after ski trip, even though it was SO nice to be on slopes again. despite, you know, snow/wind/amazingly limited visibility of about 10 feet (decreased to about 2-3 feet at certain points). it was rather enlightening to find out how it's like without being able to see.. i think all steepness of slopes became somewhat inconsequential because i couldn't see where the heck i was going so i was going pretty slowly, first of all, and i was just trying to carve my way down somehow or other, slowly.

although the powder was quite amazing, i kept telling rachael i'd never seen so much powder before! actually that may not be true, memories are always warped. but it was really quite wonderful. haha. although the sheer volume of powder made it a little harder to manage too. okay as usual my command of the english language seems to be leaving me as my powers of expression diminish... i probably need to hang out with jackie more. maybe her creative writing flair will inspire me.

anyway on hindsight i think i somewhat know why i was so blah, but it's terribly confusing. and it doesn't really matter for now anyhow... i almost feel like God sent Lorra over to remind me that He always cares. and some things are more important than whatever my mind is caught up with. but really, lorra is such an amazing bundle of joy (even though that makes her sound like a newborn child.. hm.)

amazing grace! ok, i feel better. gnite

aaaahhhhh

okay, i have no idea how this happened. so i actually kind of finished my 280 assignment early (well it's not completely done, but almost) on monday and joseph was so amazed, but somehow right now i'm struggling to finish my stuff and sleep enough! boo :( and my 280 group is somewhat dysfunctional, the irony. it's so awkward when people don't engage in discussion when they're supposed to. it's like one person says something, then there's silence. then someone else tries to say something, followed by silence. i don't even understand WHY that's happening.. now i know why sometimes people just volunteer to do most of the work cos they're not sure what'll happen if they don't. alright i should stop sounding like a martyr, it's actually kind of fun doing the organizing and somewhat fulfilling to have it in a nice structure. i am starting to sound crazy...

dsch proj takes up an amazing amount of time. i think i've spent at least 2hrs per day for the past 3 or 4 days working on it. it IS fun though, but it's just that it really does sap time like nobody's business! blah.

and then i start eating and eating and eating. and of course it doesn't help that i have restocked my snack supply thanks to lisa's car... so much for self control. devouring seems to be the order of the day. i almost wish i was like my roommate, she doesn't eat when she's stressed! i can't imagine how she functions, if i'm hungry i can't do anything. i bet ser & jackie'd agree.. that's probably why they're my good friends. ahah.

on another note, i am now hooked on israel houghton & new breed. i don't know why i like their rhythm/beat so much! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ty0SO7IvtXM

just now i was thinking about the next couple of days and felt so reluctant to go to class and do presentations and take midterms. eek. fast-forward to tahoe pleaseeee.

the realization of graduation

i think i'm over this for the moment, but mommy asking me about wacky walk and papa telling me to make sure i've finished my university requirements and my logging onto stanford epay and seeing the following notice:

"ATTENTION UNDERGRADUATE SENIORS: You have reached the stage in your Undergraduate career at which you must carefully review your University Requirements (GERs, PWR, Language) in Axess in order to prepare for graduation. Please be aware that you must review your course, grade, and GER history in Axess and resolve any outstanding, unreported, and /or incomplete grades no later than April 12, 2009 (or March 1, 2009 if you are graduating Winter quarter). You must complete your remaining University and department requirements during your final quarters at Stanford."

it has such a final ring to it that is so depressing. it's like pearline's song. "(x & y place) will be so empty without you". it has the same kind of feeling. i guess graduation is supposed to be a happy occasion, that i survived (not yet, but soon, hopefully:p) and got a college degree and made friends and all that.

and then it brings me back to my brother's graduation. when i was wondering why all his friends were asian/asian american (now, i think i kind of know why), and wondering how he felt to be leaving a place after spending 4 years there, and wondering what sort of sadness it was. now that it's the year of my graduation, i'm beginning to wonder. but the reality of not living at stanford anymore won't set in until packing, i think.

and i still don't know what path lies ahead for me. although, jackie did tell me about this very interesting live-on-an-island-for-6-months thing which sounds very exotic! hahaha. it's weird though, i really don't feel the urge to make sure i stay in the US anymore. i'm not quite sure why either. maybe i'm just taking life in the US for granted now.

alright, back to my 60-notebook-page dschool assignment, of which i've completed about 1/2 of and spent at least 5 hours on so far.. ahhh. help me! limited time and so much stuff to do.

from my reading for organizational behaviour...

'Then there was Ambrose Vollard, the sponsor of Cézanne's first one-man show, at the age of fifty-six. At the urging of Pissarro, Renoir, Degas, and Monet, Vollard hunted down Cézanne in Aix. He spotted a still-life in a tree, where it had been flung by Cézanne in disgust. He poked around the town, putting the word out that he was in the market for Cézanne's canvases. In "Lost Earth: A Life of Cézanne," the biographer Philip Callow writes about what happened next:

Before long someone appeared at his hotel with an object wrapped in a cloth. He sold the picture for 150 francs, which inspired him to trot back to his house with the dealer to inspect several more magnificent Cézannes. Vollard paid a thousand francs for the job lot, then on the way out was nearly hit on the head by a canvas that had been overlooked, dropped out the window by the man's wife. All the pictures had been gathering dust, half buried in a pile of junk in the attic.

All this came before Vollard agreed to sit a hundred and fifty times, from eight in the morning to eleven-thirty, without a break, for a picture that Cézanne disgustedly abandoned. Once, Vollard recounted in his memoir, he fell asleep, and toppled off the makeshift platform. Cézanne berated him, incensed: "Does an apple move?" This is called friendship.' - from Gladwell's article on Late Bloomers.

hahaha. i have to say, i was quite amused.

new discoveries

certainly a very exciting year.. it's kind of funny to answer people who ask "did you go home for break?" and i'm like nope, i went to florida, bahamas and tahoe three times. exotic indeed. although it cost a LOT. actually i'm sure europe cost a substantial amount too, i guess i just had more money in my account at that point in time.

okay my train of thought derailed along the way cos it's been a day plus since i typed the above paragraph and my browser died on me -_-

BUT. we shall do a little update on my classes/roommate situation and .. whatever else i remember. my biblical hebrew class is rather exciting, although i was quite shocked when i walked into the first class and she started teaching us the vowels and part of the alphabet. so many squiggly lines! i told my pastor that, he laughed and said "but you learn chinese!" and i was like but it's different.. chinese has more strokes so it doesn't look so pictorial/sketchy... i don't know how to explain it.

anyway, we read the first verse of Genesis 1 on thursday (in the beginning, God created the heaven and earth). it was SO cool... as hard as it is to decipher hebrew in small font, it sent a delicious shiver down my spine. can't really explain it. i guess i felt like i was discovering how God spoke to people in the old testament or something. that was the language!!! i guess i've always been somewhat of a purist. only somewhat though... the original is always nice.

okay now we shall rewind to what happened before i got back... my last tahoe trip was certainly very eventful. it was snowstorming as we drove up. actually now that i think about it it's quite amazing that we didn't need chains at that time. anyway it totally reminded me of the first trip this season, snow blowing into the windshield and all. although when we got up there it was dark already at that time... anyhow. yes, snowy windy day, boarding was slightly miserable, i don't know if it was just as cold or a little better... but only a few lifts were open. kinda sad :( but boarding with pearline is so interesting, she is definitely v adventurous. tree-skiing, going down blacks (which i was certainly NOT contemplating and was mostly falling-leaf-ing down).. after the last run i was like i am NEVER going on a black again... and then wait to hear what happens the next day:

second day @ heavenly was good! very clear and pretty.. yay for ridge run and lake tahoe view. i looove that run. anyhow, we had a good time with the other cornell ppl, i was just amused at how huangyu kept sitting down. and he's a skiier! ah.. so, the concluding run - we were coming down roundabout and having experienced the pain of having to unstrap and walk over some flat parts, yuanxiang was like eh, let's do gunbarrel instead. the sign said it was a black. and i clearly remembered the pain of unstrapping etc and i thought it was a black, should be manageable albeit not the best, so.. i said okay! and then we started going down the slope and it was CRAZY. why?? we discovered later (after surviving down the slope i.e. sliding down as best as possible) it was a DOUBLE BLACKKK. i kept blaming yx after :p and we only realized how long the slope was after we'd come down because, as yx said, we were focused on short term survival while coming down.. absolutely ridiculous :p

oh, we went to the outdoor hot tub in the hotel.. it was pretty good! despite the slight shivering before getting in and after getting out..

and then third day we ended up going to sierra. a little bit of deja vu again since i'd been there the previous weekend. but unfortunately.. i think i was kinda tired and for some odd reason somewhat hungry even though i did have breakfast and all.. maybe i really can't do more than 2 days. anyhow. on one of the blue slopes i somehow managed to catch my board and flipped somehow or other and hit my head on the slope... ouch. it was SO painful. my first thought was "great.. this is exactly what mommy told me not to do". second thought "i was praying for safety! why'd God let me injure myself!" (kinda irrational really) and third "crap! i need to graduate!" opened my eyes, saw stars on the left side, decided i needed to close my eyes.

after a few minutes this skiier stopped in front of me and asked "are you okay?" and i opened my eyes and was like yeah.. i'm just going to sit here for a while. and he had my hat/goggles (they flew off when i hit the slope) so i was very thankful. anyhow after that i still had to board down the slope, but carving was giving me a headache so it was actually quite a pain to get down (yes, very tragic). but basically i decided i was done for the day and went to rest.. it was somewhaat cold though.. headache continued throughout the night and jackie almost freaked me out cos she was like GO TO A HOSPITAL IF THERE'S BLINDING PAIN!!! and i guess either i can tolerate pain or i don't like going to doctors when i don't absolutely have to, cos i was thinking that it's a similar kind of pain as if i had just gotten sick and was moving around a little too much than i ought to. but thankfully after sleep it was better..

okay. done with the whole tahoe episode. so i move in, and this girl comes in the door and says "hi! i'm mattie! my stuff is in your room" and i'm somewhat surprised, cos i thought lilianna was going to be my roommate right. but i thought oh, maybe something changed along the way so i shut my gaping mouth and was like hi! etcetc. and then later i find out that there was a mixup. man.. awkward situation. well anyway thankfully it worked out...

and then classes-wise, i was kinda confused about what to take and all but thankfully i was blessed and got into the classes i wanted! although... i had a terrible moment with the dschool class. because i realized, with a sinking heart, that this class has SATURDAY labs. meaning no more boarding for me! well, unless it's president's day weekend. but then i was like heck, dschool classes are hard to get into and i may not get to take one next quarter either (and i'd already been rejected by two, i think). so i'll just apply and if God lets me get in i'll take it as a sign. so.. i did get in and my classes are settled and i almost know all the classes i'm taking next quarter too! not bad...

ah. yes. karo's bday dinner last night was lovely. haven't seen the XA girls in a while.. not in a grp, anyway. twas great fun. although it was rather interesting that half the night was centered around guys..... heh. i guess for different groups (of people) there're different conversation focuses. the only thing was that i didn't do my 280 reading/hw so had to cram it today.. i think it was alright though. i hope. -prays hard-

lazy lazy me. really need to restart the job hunt.. i kinda like my schedule this quarter though. even though i can't believe i reneged on my promise to myself not to take 9am classes! i guess kash is right though, at least it's near enough at the econ building. and it's a midterm/final class so shouldn't be so much work. basically it's mon 4-6pm, tues/thurs 9am-2pm, wed 1-3, 4-6, fri 1-3.

new year's eve!

man, i feel so lazy. i think i've watched like 4 movies in the past 2 days. attempted to figure out my classes (still need to shop), supposed to start looking for jobs to apply to and i really did try this morning but now i've given up due to lack of motivation and am clearing up my computer. haha. sigh... it IS rather important too. why is job hunting so difficult -_- joanna's email is right though, if we don't have troubles we'll forget all about God. funny huh. even though I do see Him in all the beauty that I see...

anyhow. it's been a good break. although i wonder how the next tahoe trip will be.. i hope snow is good. and i can carve down blues properly :p i was reading over my logs from previous breaks/trips and am quite amazed at how patient my friends have been in teaching me. sean, jon, yongji... and i always had trouble with toe-ing. haha. good times!

i kind of wish there was a set path for me to go. so far it's pretty easy, it's been school, pri --> sec --> jc --> college. it's just which school i end up in. now it's the whole wide world! ahhh. would really like some guidance here. although for some reason i suddenly felt like i wanted to restrict my search to california i.e. norcal. i guess i'm not actually that keen on living anywhere else.. that IS rather restricting though. the same way i don't want to do 9am classes and don't want to do anything super-techy which is going to be painful. hmmm. don't know if that's the best strategy.

still missing my rg girls. where's lyd's christmas card?? haha. and my silly bro sent a card to my dorm so it's going to sit there until school starts cos the housing desk ain't open.

can't believe it's my graduation year. like, the actual calendar year. a little scary.

sitting at the denver airport.. yay for WORKING wifi! SJC was a disappointment, they had these signs advertising free public wifi and it wasn't working. anyhow, yay for holidays! somehow today after i was done packing i just felt like i was so ready to leave california and escape from stanford for a bit. maybe i should've gone home after all, get to see all my other friends. but tis okay, i get to hang out with sharon for a week :) somehow having to transit just reminds me of going home though, since usually i fly non-stop within the US (unless its cheaper, like what i'm doing now).

anyhow. i got off the plane and then headed for foood (it was like 7:30PM PST). saw the mcdonald's/domino's area and it was so eerily familiar.. and then i realized it was a replay of sophomore year thanksgiving after we finished 4 days of snowboarding at winter park! bittersweet, leaving a new bunch of crazy hilarious friends.. can't believe it's been two years since then. time flies.

and i realized i have to take 5 classes each quarter to graduate on time. should i take another quarter? i REALLY don't want to though.. weirdly enough. i guess i've sort of had enough of school and taking finals and what not. the end is in sight. even though it means loss of discretionary free time, like daryl said.. and job search. bleahh.. hopefully i have enough motivation to get back to that after coming back from bahamas/florida :p although i now have to update my resume bcos my gpa has gone down.. sigh.

for some odd reason i really really wish i was home. i want to see lyd & chris & pam.. and jackie's back home too. where are people when i need them?! alright, enough with the melancholy. it probably doesn't help that i'm sitting in an airport on my own and everything's closed cos it's 10:30PM. 1 more hour to boarding... and then i'll be vegetating at orlando airport till sharon arrives. hope they have free internet too.. haha.

oh and i just watched this korean dance movie which i got hooked on in freshman winter break on the way back home.. watched it like 2 or 3 times on my SQ flight. so that reminded me of freshman winter break.. and that's been 3 years! such an odd feeling.

i am still eating way too much.. so fat! thankfully serene persuaded me to bring my sports shoes. i shall aspire to workout on the ship, as boring as that sounds. aha. should've brought more shorts along, now that i think about it.. oh well.

i just saw a bird in the airport!!! this is so crazy. wonder how it got in here.. and then it landed on the water fountain and drank from it!

so odd... this somehow reminded me of listening to a particular passage while i was at the gym quite a few saturdays ago and then hearing that same passage during the acappella concert a few hours later, from testimony (the christian acappella group). unfortunately i don't recall offhand what the passage was, but it was so coincidental it seemed like it meant something..

and it happened again today! so i decided (finally, haha) to read some passage of the bible today after lunch, was a little distracted so needed to focus on something. and then i randomly flipped to mark 5:21 - 43.. which talks about a woman who touched Jesus' cloak and got healed of her blood issue (whatever that is), and a synagogue ruler came to ask Jesus to heal his daughter who was dying, when they got to his house the servants said she'd died already, don't bother. but Jesus raised her from the dead. anyway, so i did go for all campus praise night tonight and one of the passages read was luke 8:40-56, which is the exact same passage but just told by a different author. anyway, i was FLOORED. the same passage! (and given that i don't even read my Bible daily this is quite a big thing)

the verses that stood out to me:
mark 5:28 she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." 29 Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
34He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

36Ignoring what they said, Jesus told the synagogue ruler, "Don't be afraid; just believe."

just believe. that is so powerful. anyhow, i took more of the faith bit from it, but osagie was saying that it's about desperation, the two (woman & ruler) came to Jesus cos nobody else could help them. i don't think i'm that desperate. wonder if that's a good thing or bad... hm. two-pronged. but i do think it's a reminder of how powerful faith can be.

well again

so i think i'm recovered from that bout of un-Christendom. it was really quite bad, now that i think about it.. for those 5 days. eep... was quite hellish, really. couldn't sleep properly, thoughts were all messed up and was so stressed out. now i'm back to being myself and not worrying too much (okay, now i'm wondering if i can finish this midterm in time) and can focus on others instead of myself, pray for their safety & well-being & all. feels soo much better. and yesterday's 'run' was good too. can't really call it a run since it wasn't a treadmill, but it was a running sort of elliptical. rather interesting concept.

even though it seems like i've wasted (kind of) my quarter recruiting and have nothing to show for it i'm not all that concerned about it. i mean, it's done and i tried, so that's all there is.. admittedly it sucks to have to tell people that i don't have a job yet, but oh well! ohhh! it was so exciting, one of my friends got an offer today and i was like YAY!!! cos she'd been getting rejections too and now i actually know someone with an offer! so awesome :) anyway, i am somewhat at peace. about this job thing. even though it looks like i'll have to recruit again next quarter (pfft) i don't care, i'm still going to go boarding lots! yippee :)

in the midst

of this crappy interviewing season, i realized i'm very blessed in academics bc i'm actually still doing pretty well for now. i mean, my midterms were spread out enough that i had time to study and catch up, even with all the interviews. although better not say so soon, i'm so lost in this probability class and haven't started on the take-home midterm yet.

and running out frustrations is SO good... man. i pretty much vented all my stress/frustration/anger on the precor machine. haha. and felt good after that. well, physically tiring but i guess that helps... yay!

a hard week

[written on sat] i have to admit yesterday was quite a bad day for me, if not for the church bunch (haha, that's what i call them now) who were celebrating pearline's bday by cooking (yay good food!), playing rockband, playing with barney's & peiying's dogs (yay animals/dogs in particular) and playing cranium (general silliness all around). it is really hard to trust God in such times (slew of rejections on Thurs/Fri). well, just 3 out of 5. and the longer i wait for the others, the less likely it is that I have an offer, I think.

[written on tues] still finding it hard to trust. i think i am so overwrought i can't sleep past 9am anymore, it's quite terrible. really goes in cycles, for a while i'm carefree and then it comes back to haunt me. !!! bleah. it's so silly too, me worrying about whether they're going to give me offers is not going to change anything. -_- God has blessed me with such an incredible experience at Stanford even though i know there's nothing special really that set me apart from the tons of other Singaporeans who applied here, so I should know that He will always provide for me.

and dayoung's so funny, yesterday morning she finally got a call fr mck and so could finally commit to signing w parthenon and she said she felt SO happy like she hadn't felt this quarter at all, going after her want to work in NY and feeling like it was forced and what not. but i'm so glad she's relaxed now, that's how senior year's supposed to be!

on another note, i remember sean/kevin saying that decision analysis was kinda interesting but some people think it's bs. I certainly think i fall into the latter category... or maybe cos i'm not even taking the class seriously. haha. but honestly, i don't see myself assigning probabilities and preferences and drawing trees and sensitivity analyses and using value of clairvoyance and what not.

although, granted, colin did give me an interesting argument for the existence of God. assign a probability p that there is a God. so let's say that p is pretty small, and so 1 - p is big. and then from that, think of all the good things that happened to you and assign a probability q1 to the possibility of them all happening by chance. it's probably not going to be very high, and when you multiply that by 1 - p, it'll probably be smaller than p*q2 (where q2 is p(good things happen with a God)). although, i need to think about the converse side with bad things happening...

incredibly blessed

wow. so far, my track record is still nice and pretty, all invitations for final rounds! God is amazing. well, not like I didn't know that already. now... i just need the offers. haha. i feel so greedy... i guess i do only need one offer though getting a bunch would be really cool. i'm not sure what would be best either. anyhow... waiting is so hard! bleah. it's like a perpetual game, who's gotten a call, who hasn't.

anyway, this week is crazy. i had two first rounds today (total 3 interviews), final rounds tmr (4 interviews), final rounds thurs (4 interviews, i assume) and final rounds fri (4 interviews). that is almost as many cases as i practiced for BEFORE starting any interviews. i am so cased-out right now. it's not that the problems aren't interesting, but it's just tiring. ah well, by the end of this week i will be such an interviewing machine. and hopefully have offers so i can stop interviewing! eek. and actually catch up on my classes and all.

midterm tmr, pray hard! aaah.

sigh!

have to get up early for akpsi tmr but don't feel like sleeping, don't feel like doing anything. i never realized how much time recruiting takes. first, it's the info sessions. then it's submitting applications. then it's the actual interviews. it's really as good as a 5 unit class, which i didn't realize. and the emotional stress of waiting etc. i trust in Him and His grace as so far He has greatly provided for me. like Misha pointed out to me yesterday at dinner, I have been very lucky (well I would say blessed) in that for all my interviews (besides Bain 1st rounds this morning), I have gotten called back for second rounds. I'm just praying for more favour with my interviewers and trying not to worry/think about it, so many other things to worry about! haha. wellll. I guess I also have to remember "which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" (Matt 6:27) and a cubit = 45cm. haha.

anyhow i'm tired and i want a break but there is no break to be had until thanksgiving! before then i have 2 final rounds lined up and also a midterm (i.e. 4 classes worth of stuff to catch up on) and then another midterm a week later for which i'm probably even more lost... ahhhh. needs lots and lots of grace and a miracle (or a couple, haha).

but i guess hearing joseph's story about how he ended up doing well in his midterm contrary to expectations does help me restore my faith. yay! now for sleep... plus remembering how i met joanna as i was leaving for my interview and her story about getting so much help for her paper which she was so worried for and really praying for a miracle.. although sometimes i think 'miracle' is bandied about a little carelessly by us, hm.

meeting up with ben was fun, although i realized i've been doing so many cases and dealing with numbers in hundreds of millions that when i see "$28 million" net worth for an individual at 26 years old i didn't even realize right off that it is QUITE a bit of money... hm. so odd.