okay i really should be reading my econ now but i'll get back to it later. cos this was something i wanted to blog about for a while but i kept forgetting!
i can't believe the (sch) year's almost over! :( it doesn't even seem like i accomplished what i wanted to. although i don't really think i had new year's resolutions. and 07 pple are graduating and 08 people are going to be seniors and we're gonna be juniors:| i'm not all that close to 07 pple so doesn't really matter to me as much. but then realizing that the a*star scholars of my batch (cs & jon) are gonna be leaving after next year and the juniors too (yf, jh, shineik, cat, steph, ...) so tragic! well at least ser should be coming so that will be fun:) and there'll still be 09ers around.. although i think more than half the people are going to be abroad at one point or another, not that i see them that often anyway.
and it still doesn't seem like i've found my niche/i've that much of a better idea of what i wanna do. sighh. how perplexing. oh and this random sporean added me on facebook and i had no idea why he'd added me until i realized he's stanford '11. haha. oops. aw little freshmen coming in, but we're all getting old!!! aaah.
a little out of sorts and don't feel like doing any work. it's been a long week. but i say that every week huh... heh. it's an awful feeling to go to class and not want to be there.. but somehow my initial excitement-about-classes has died off as the quarter progresses. which is really really sad!
i really hope that God shows me what it is that He has planned for me for next fall. well, actually, summer is kind of more important in a way. yup, summer would be nice. and then fall too. :| ahhh. anyway yes, what i'm going to end up doing during summer???! that dbs test thing was disconcerting. ugh. and fall, was I meant to go to oxford after all or stay back here? both ways I'm sure I'll still have a good time.. but then if I don't go I need to think about draw and that's always a tricky thing. augh. also given that it's nonpriority and nonpreferred. unless I staff next year? hmm. anyway if I need to draw I don't know who I should room/draw with.
weekend! more and more meetings and midterms coming up. oh i think i just need to sleep.. haha. the panacea to all ills. all MY ills, so it seems anyway. yay for borrowing pearline's wetsuit so I won't freeze in the water tmr! :)
albeit my lousy grade for my 2pg written-in-2-hrs-the-day-it-was-due psych paper, this class is really very interesting. so while the prof was lecturing on chinese cultural models today (i fell asleep for a while, but that's besides the point) and it suddenly dawned on me that it isn't necessarily wrong to be collectivist. it seems (to me, at least) that singapore is busy trying to get us all to be more unique and to stand out and be different, complaining that we're all coming out of one mould at the moment and that's bad. but maybe that's cos of the cultural context we come from, that harmony is important and being part of a whole, rather than standing out by doing your own thing, as they call it.
anyhow, i don't even know if that makes sense but i know i always feel the pressure to be different from other people, to find something that distinguishes me. and i suppose that might help me form my identity but really, sometimes it's just stressful. i think in general i've always been very afraid of doing something 'wrong', whether it's not-speaking-up, or speaking-up-and-saying-something-stupid, or not being able to define myself for interviews, or even now during art class, when i don't really know what the teacher's asking for but you can't really be WRONG in art cos it's whatever you want it to be/make out of it. which is kind of nice i guess. the freedom.
it's been a week since i posted! a VERY long week, in fact. sigh. partly cos i got hooked on another korean drama. :| haha. it's even older than full house (2004) too. beautiful days (2001)! i didn't even know lee byeong heon was one of the 'big four' as they call the four most popular korean actors. ahh.
anyway. apart from that. wasn't particularly well this week so that was sort of annoying. and i skipped windsurfing today cos 1) it was cold 2) i hadn't gotten a wetsuit yet 3) i decided i was still coughing and needed sleep. but i didn't really succeed in napping. sigh.
misha is right. i am cynical. and it doesn't help that jackie is just as (or even more) cynical as i am. cos i was telling her that i just don't feel anything. like the virginia tech shootings, i know it's a tragic thing to happen and all, but i can't seem to feel anything. i'm just like okay, this senior killed 33 people.
and then sealnet (or just service projects in general). i know they benefit less fortunate people (or i certainly HOPE so, at any rate) but i also don't feel anything. it's like a disconnect between the intellect and the heart.
and the last thing which i told her, about my drawing class. it's a lot of BS (like lit), the way they talk about oh, how the artist uses the lines to create something.. the curves say something... there was this particular picture which i unfortunately couldn't see any art in, it just looked like a mess of scribbles to me and people were making all sorts of things out of it. modern art, as long as you can crap something out, it's art.
so at this point misha was like why're you so cynical? and it reminded me of wat andrew said about geppers being cynical. so i told her, product of singapore. haha.
find your passion. what passion? i'm too lazy to be at stanford. no, let me correct that. i'm too lazy to be part of this world. it's all the protestants' fault (jackie: "damn those protestants!"), for the work ethic. that work is virtuous. i hate working! i think at one point in JC i did enjoy doing homework. and i guess my PWR paper should be fun since it's on cirque du soleil:) but nowadays i really can't be bothered to do my reading and that's just sad.
when the door is closed i feel like i'm in a world of my own. a world where i can do anything. but when the door opens, reality floods in.
anyway no i'm not depressed or anything. i wonder if this is like a cyclical thing. i know everytime we have one of these sealnet meetings i feel quite sian after that. it is, of course, supposed to do some good and help us improve but nobody ever likes these things. at least, i don't.
i really should go to bed. or get some productive work done. but it's been such a long week i don't feel like either of those two! and i keep having the weirdest dreams. okay they're not really that weird but i'd rather not dream.. dreamless sleep is usually best. at least i don't have to get up at 8 tmr.
i really am going to try not to have 9am classes every single day anymore. never again! :( sobs. or maybe i just need to be more disciplined about sleeping early. but you know, that hardly happens in college unless you have great willpower. which i don't really possess all the time.
art class is fun, get to sit around and draw stuff. i don't think i succeed all that well, but it's not too bad. there simply isn't enough time, though, i never really thought about how much time it takes to draw something. really admire megan & emilyn.
oh yes, and so while carrying my huge poster board & drawing block i lost control of my bike handles and crashed into a jolly little bush. it was a rather spectacular crash (although less so than a couple i've witnessed this year) and this guy came over and was like "are you okay?" while i really felt like cursing & swearing cos my knee felt like someone had hammered it with a lead pile, but i gritted my teeth and was like don't worry, i'm fine.. just lost control..
and i sat by the roadside and fumed for a bit. more like trying to bear the pain, but there you go. and the crowning glory: a caterpillar (one of the many infesting our lovely campus during this season) found its way onto my jacket. i should be glad it didn't get UNDER the jacket. eek.
hopefully my knee will be alright for windsurfing tmr, i really shudder to think wat'll happen if this waterproof spray thing doesn't work. probably will end up shrieking my head off!
bleah. anyway i feel remarkably unmotivated (as usual), it being the weekend and all. but dad's coming to visit for a couple of hours on sat (and fix my bike basket on, haha).
i shall take a leaf out of christina's book and post the sealnet flyer!! apply for projects if you're interested!:) it was an AWESOME experience.. so much fun. 
WICKED!!!! haha. I am so blessed. So on Thurs afternoon I was at Meyer Library at an iMac G5 clearing up my mail cos it was reaching the limit soon apparently.. and then Kara (one of my dorm staff - focus assistants - cos my dorm is humanities-themed, so these FAs are in charge of humanities events) emailed me to say someone dropped out of the Wicked trip so I get to go!!! ahhh. and it's so great that I didn't have anything on Friday/today (well I was supposed to help with some AKPsi thing but whatever.. haha). and also that Steph (one of my other FAs) cashed my check and I never did get the $ back from her cos of rather weird circumstances.
but anyway.. so I got to go!!! yayyy. and it's even better cos I didn't get to watch Wicked in Chicago. Although maybe the front row seats may have been better in a way (we were nearer the back and the LA Pantages Theater was kind of big I think). But it was SO good.. the actress/singer playing Elphaba (the Wicked Witch) had SUCH a powerful voice.. man. Eden Espinosa. her alto voice is very rich and her sop voice is pretty powerful too. it's just such a pity that 1. the CD is of the original cast and 2. doesn't capture the power of the voices (i'm assuming the original cast was as good or even better). I guess being IN the theater and actually hearing the reverberations and stuff makes a huge diff. but the songs are still nice!
and I got to see LA! sort of, the traffic was so bad we didn't really get to walk down Rodeo Drive. And we only paid like $25 per person for everything.. cos our FAs got some grant (i.e. lots of subsidy).
It was rather exciting though, the musical ended about 4:50pm and we had to drive to the airport/return rental cars and our flight was departing at 7:25pm. so Kara was like "we all have to RUN as soon as the performances ends, okay?" anyway we got to the airport in good time.
We also got to visit Steph's house which was frickin' awesome!!! it is HUGE. actually, all the houses there are huge. and she has like every music instrument there is. okay maybe not, but 1 normal piano, 1 grand piano, 2 guitars, 1 drum set, 1 mini-cello, 1 violin (i think), .... and a pool.. and this really cute little cocker spaniel puppy. i wanted to steal it. and her mom/dad cooked SUCH GOOD FOOD. i haven't had such good kalbi in a while. i feel like home cooked is so much better. maybe cos more time to marinate or something. anyway i had like 4 pieces. yumyumyum. and sprinkles red velvet cupcakes ooohhh.
Wish I could spend more time in LA but nevermind.. next time! And then I shall visit Desirae and Esther too :)
spring break! man i can't believe it's over and spring quarter is starting soon.
link to photos are at the side..
anyway, quick recap of spring break:
SAT (Mar 24) got to chicago o'hare int'l airport late, flight was delayed. and then i was still figuring out my housing for that night! oops. i really will make it a point to get stuff like that done earlier next time. seems like i always have problems with housing. anyhow, after many phone calls back and forth to various long-suffering pple (including jiunwen & junwan) i ended up staying with jessica pan.
which is so funny cos when we were in sec 1 we were all like ooh! house capts! and then i end up staying with one of them. but she's really nice and funny and very hospitable, taking in some random kid (i.e. me) for the night.
SUN (Mar 25) umm. slept in (really not such a good idea) cos i was kind of sleep deprived from the two late nights after finals ended.. watching some hilarious korean movie w jackie and then matchpoint w dayoung.
had lunch w jason, he is so funny.. was muttering about how he could still handle taxis (on the road), just cut them off, but buses.. another story altogether. saw his apartment which had a really nice view except for these two high rise buildings which obscured parts of the lake michigan view.. the lake is so pretty!
went down to wai keong's apartment and saw aud! yay. haha. haven't seen her in a while. me & chim agreed the two of them are kinda cute together though:p
then jason dropped me off in campus, i was walking around and met gerald (and fellow frosh) for dinner and saw his dorm.
MON (Mar 26) original pancake house w aud n chim! yumyumyum. i love that place. but it's the sort of place you can visit only so frequently. made fun of exhibits at art institute (i think chim was rather disconcerted by my irreverent attitude at first), walked around downtown chicago and discovered this lovely choc cafe called moonstruck! it is SO cute. ahh. met megan for dinner, she brought us to grand lux cafe, a sister company of cheesecake factory. followed megan home.. i like evanston! i guess its more like stanford than uchicago.. more suburban.
TUES (Mar 27) met jiunwen and her bf at panera bread (haha! the company which i sort of analyzed!) i liked their iced green tea and raisin scone. yumyum. anyway, jiunwen had to rush for class so her bf gave me the tour of northwestern instead (i was so amused, really). northwesstern campus is really pretty.. a little like a park! also visited the baha'i temple (an architectural wonder, so it looks) and then the weather suddenly CHANGED and i froze. boo. i knew i should've worn shoes. but the awesome weather the past few days caught me off guard. played settlers at night w wk & hui leng, it was rather amusing although not as crazy as the monopoly game we had during thanksgiving
WED (Mar 28) wandered into downtown for the morning, did some shopping (YAY! i'm shopping deprived) and then left for UIUC. it's kinda weird cos i was really looking forward to UIUC when i first landed in chicago, but then when it actually came to it, i wasn't so enthusiastic anymore cos i realized it means my break is ending! sigh. but anyway, junwan decided to bring us along to her SSA film festival thing - they were screening 'be with me' which had SO much food - i'm like, you definitely know this is a Singaporean movie. haha.
it was so nice to see everyone again though.. got to see pple's dorms, cars, houses (jon's & zhixiu's apartment is ridiculously clean and neat - it has definitely motivated me to do something about the state of my own room, although how successful that will be is another thing altogether). and junwan's apartment is really so social! although as me & chim decided, there is a price to pay since they can't do work until after midnight. haha. they've such a nice sporean community i'm almost jealous.
THURS (Mar 29) sent chim to amtrak station, she didn't want to get back to chicago late at night.. toured UIUC w junwan & fiona. and met zhixiu on the way. lunch at jon's fav korean restaurant.. i think it's kind of nice that they have a street of restaurants. but i guess that caters to apartment-living pple. um. walked around, i heard about some of their ridiculous stories (they want to buy josh a live chicken or a huge inflatable one for his bday!)
LEX to airport. it came late, and i was wondering if i would have to find another mode of transport to get myself to the airport. not that it mattered in the end, since my flight was delayed. and i got to use the lounge yay star alliance gold:D then my flight was overbooked so i ended up w a free hotel stay, free roundtrip ticket within US, economy plus exit row seat (which probably has as much leg space as first class yeahhh) for the next morning. woohoo!
tahoe trip today was rather screwed up i think. had trouble trying to please everyone yesterday, colin dislocated his shoulder today, slopes were kinda slushy. definitely the last time for this season..
YAYYY clar is DONE with WINTER QUARTER and FINALS!!!! woohooo!!!
man. that was cathartic. anyway i've had rather the craziest time since finals ended on thurs at 9:30PM! wheee. so i was supposed to go to late nite w dewen but that didn't really work out cos late nite was closed! cheated. humph. anyway i was going to say hi and happy bday to top but he was on the phone. and then yf called. so i piled into the car w the rest of them (jh who still had a final today, megan & viet) and we went to viet's place to play wii tennis!
haha it's ridiculously addictive. and pretty fun! yay. and then tu misha daniel came over.. philbert and dex came too but they all ended up playing beer pong. hum. oh then we came back to lantana to celebrate top's bday.. yay cheesecake factory cake! yums.
i don't really think i've been eating any less since finals were over, hm. oops. and then i watched this ridiculous korean movie called guns n talks w jackie until like 5am. (partly due to her doing laundry at the same time, she has SO many clothes and took so long to fold them -sigh-). also it was either the dvd or my computer, but the subtitles were sort of wonky and annoying. ah well.
didn't get to sleep in either cos we had a PV07 lunch meeting (sigh). sometimes i think i see too much of SEALNet pple for work man -shakes head- and then spent two hours with music yay! harp and then piano.. that was nice:)
went w jh to get his car tires fixed. i felt slightly obliged to cos he was going to be nice and give me a lift to the airport tmr. haha. but it was cool, haven't talked to him in a while. actually i really haven't seen yf in a looong time. ah well.
came back, went out w dayoung for dinner! wow korean food is pretty crazy.. i think i still prefer jap though, ah well. it's kind of funny but i think the food and language are somewhat linked. like jap food/lang is a little more palatable/fluent than korean. but i may be biased:)
then we stopped by this korean supermarket yay bakery! it was a small one, but nevertheless, asian bread yayyyy. i miss bo luo baos greatly. umm. oh yes and yayyy dayoung let me drive back -happy clar- i really like her car. and she doesn't like driving! and she has a car! so ironic. haha. says it's stressful. i could definitely see why, but i enjoy it. ah well. then we went to coldstones and i stuffed myself full of sugar :p then we came back and watched match point, which had a pretty disturbing plot, not altogether very satisfactory. i LOVE my screen though, thanks to my bro:)
okay i should really pack or shower or do something useful.. aahh.
I really should be concentrating on studying for Int'l Econ (final on Mon 8:30am augh) but somehow the SEALNet meeting this morning keeps popping into my head. About how I've (as usual) gotten myself into something I have no idea how I'm going to deliver. Actually I sort of remember saying that at some point.. oh right that was about recruiting.
Anyway, I find it so interesting that KB (one of our professional mentors) is so invested in SEALNet and she's really all out to push us. I mean JH does say that sometimes.. His favorite phrase is like "I challenge you to..." I bet he got it from KB. And we finally have like set roles for each of us in Project Vietnam, which I think is great cos now at least there's something tangible (or defined, anyway) to work towards.
And the way the professionals 'dissect' and summarize our aims is so interesting. Sounds rather like work lingo or something.. And it was so amazing how KB got us to talk about our view of the 1. mission of PV 2. our stake in it 3. how we're going to interact. While we were talking she whipped out a marker and drew this really cool map on the whiteboard (those are really useful things) and organized it/used black lines to show us who we'd be talking to (mainly) and stuff.
Actually I don't even know why I think it's cool.. Stepping back it could be seen as a rather artificial way of distilling things. But I think it worked for me.
So what I've gotten myself into is like planning the service leadership curriculum for the entire SEALNet (okay I'm quite sure I'll have a team, but the initial impression was that she was going to hold me accountable for it and KB is quite scary haha). cos I was asking, isn't that the SEALNet-wide curriculum that everyone uses, and KB said (actually I forgot what exactly she said). But later Tu was like, but there ISN'T a documented curriculum at the moment, we've to start doing that. and KB was like "oh yes, I forgot to add: there IS no SEALNet, YOU are SEALNet." and I was like okay!!! well done...
Alright at least I've gotten that out of my system. I realized the way I punctuate kind of depends on my mood. Now it's like a semi-formal thing or something.
At this point I feel like SEALNet is going to have a huge impact on my life. Leading a project and all. And I wish my frat would have that kind of impact, but somehow I don't know if I can see that happening..
Actually this whole business with professional mentors sounds vaguely like CCAs in school where we had teachers-in-charge. And uni stuff is so different cos it's all student-run. I guess sometimes it's really nice to have people around who know more than you. And in that sense I guess that's what former-committee members (in the case of S@S) and older-bros (in the frat) are for. Which I've kind of just realized. A little late there.. oh well.
i was going to post something just now in the afternoon but then i forgot wat it was cos blogger wasn't working at that time -_-
anyway
here're some favourite quotes:
Jackie: We should really cook one day. It’ll be you and me…
Clar: (in the most adorable voice ever <- this description by jackie) And our little frying pan.
As Clar lies in bed,
Jackie: If I go to the toilet, will you be awake when I get back?
Clar: No. I will be a pufferfish.
-pause-
Clar: I think I want to be a monster.
(I started describing Celia in Monsters Inc. - with the hair-monsters and etc)
Jackie: I haven’t watched Monsters Inc.
Clar: Then I’m just describing nonsense.
Jackie: Yah…
Jackie: Hopefully when I come back you won’t be a pufferfish.
Clar: I’ll puff up and pop and then no more Clar. You’ll just have shreds. I guess that’ll be enough.
(on the night when I was getting pissed off with coding NameSurfer, I think)
Me “My aim in life is to annoy everyone”
Jackie “That’s a really stupid aim”
Me, exasperated, “Do I sound like I was being serious you silly pig?”
Jackie “No, but I felt like I should tell you it was stupid anyway”
After an extended campaign to get Jackie to send me the photos of our night out at California Café (which included me calling her so she could locate her phone in the sea of stuff that is her bed), she finds her phone and sends me the photos. Then.
Jackie, peering down at her phone screen, “Who called?”
Me “me”
Jackie “oh yah”
[this is such a classic serene-type of thing to do..]
Me, reading Ch 13 of my Econometrics txtbk, “I can’t take it anymore!”
Jackie laughs. “Oh no.. what happened?”
Me “This stupid chapter is so long!”
Jackie “Those damn chapters! Always so long…”
okay this is really a deluge of posts but yay feeling better. bible study was good. although we had like 4 pple.. aaron's hilarious. he was making all sorts of amusing remarks about the parables we were looking at.. 'cumulative investment' - the man who found hidden treasure and then sold all he had to buy the field.. and oh, lots of things. and about how christians are described as 'mustard seeds', 'yeast', 'wheat', 'fish', 'salt'. karen "we're a tasty bunch!" aaron "we could make a meal out of all that!"
i have had enough of people for the moment. well, until like 7:15 when bible study starts cos chi alpha pple are fine. haha. anyway.. yeah. this whole email thing, plus the 2-hour SEALNet meeting I just had = more than enough.
two days later you send me an email telling me the real reason you came here, and that involves a relationship issue with someone i know pretty well. while i am really glad you decided to be frank, what do you want me to do? or say? or think? i'm not sure that was such a good idea, cos now all the possibilities start chasing themselves inside my mind and i don't know what to think of you anymore. like, telling me afterwards and not giving me the entire picture is just going to confuse me more. and i haven't even the foggiest idea why it disturbed me so much. at least i think that's it for the moment, and hopefully we can all move on.
SEALNet meeting involved a length discussion on our working styles and what we've been doing/not doing. I always dislike these things cos they're very draining. I guess cos it indirectly targets our weaknesses and it's very tiring to discuss such things. I suppose it's just easier to remain in denial and push everything aside instead of really grappling with it. Something which I need to do with a lot of areas of my life, but can't find the energy to.
Anyway, so after these two things, I'm just like.. okay. I can talk to my roommate, and that's it. I don't want to have to sit around at the dining table and try and socialize with people I don't feel like talking to..
I still have so much work to do... Where does the time go?
It was nice meeting Philbert by chance at Olives, even though my mind was still rather preoccupied with the email-thing.
so i really do think i spent yesterday effectively doing nothing. well, no work at all. got up at 7:30 to go to church (and daylight savings began! ridiculously soon.. i didn't even know until i saw the sign at the restaurant/bar thing at kirkwood. somehow i think that happened last year too, saw it at some shop at yosemite during spring break. heh)
i thought the sermon wasn't very helpful cos they were encouraging members to give and talked about budget and stuff and i was (most unfortunately) falling asleep. the actual sermon was like maybe 10 minutes long. bah. oh well.. came back and got straight back into bed. jon called an hour later to ask about lunch, but i was rather reluctant to get out of bed so oh well. too bad. it wasn't that great a nap i guess, i kept waking up at random times and wondering if i should get up. esp at 12:30, cos i realized brunch was over.. then i was like heck, i'd rather sleep and i need to stop eating so much anyway.
spent like 1.5hrs updating my accounts (still can't figure out where some of my money went -_-) and then cleaned up my snowboarding boots. then jackie wanted to cook so we did. and honestly, soup is one of the most boring things you can cook. i guess it's the same as boiling water, kind of. just got to wait for it to heat up while stirring. haha.
okay don't feel like chronicling the rest of my uneventful day so i shall talk about saturday! yayyy. i don't even know why i'm so crazy about snowboarding. like if you really think about it.. boarding/skiing is just going down a snowy slope multiple times. okay i guess that's an oversimplification and the same logic would apply to everything else (e.g. basketball/blading/watever). it's the joy one derives from it!
anyway i realized the drive to kirkwood/tahoe is really long. >.< i guess having a tour bus and being able to watch DVDs makes it pass faster. (as for dorm trip). also while we were coming back i found myself staring at the other cars on the freeway wondering where they were coming from - had they been up to napa on a 2-3hr drive? were they visiting from somewhere? went to sacramento for the weekend and were now going home? it's just such a weird concept to do road trips. and especially those across-state-trips.. that's just crazy.
kirkwood has really huge slopes. i mean huge as in width-wise.. very nice and wide! i preferred the snow on the backside, only got there after lunch (and it was such a pain to get there! man. probably took us like 40mins to get over there).
i realized this whole snowboarding thing has a lot to do with overcoming psychological barriers (quote barney). like i KNOW i can toe but part of me is very afraid of trying cos the probability of me falling when toeing is higher than when i'm heeling. but when i do try and succeed then it's like YEAHHH owned the slopes! haha. also about gaining momentum while carving.. if i start and carve a couple of times then it's just easier to continue. also like pearline said.. at first, scared of green slopes, then blue.. then black! haha my aim is to be able to jump by the time i graduate
and my triumph of the saturday was answering my phone while boarding:p granted it wasn't that such a steep slope (if not i wouldn't have thought about answering my phone). so anyway i was going down an okay blue slope, and then suddenly my phone started vibrating in my jacket sleeve (yay for sleeve pockets) and i was like oh crap i bet that's sicheng asking where we are.. (we ended up splitting into 2 pairs) was trying to decide if i should answer it and then i was like heck, i'm sure i can do this! so while carving i was unzipping my sleeve pocket and taking out my phone.
it was so funny cos i was quite sure sicheng could hear my board carving the snow cos it was SO loud, but apparently later he said he could hear the wind and was wondering if i was boarding while talking. and whether i was going to fall cos i was doing that. but i didn't! haha! anyway i felt such a sense of achievement:D funkkyyy stuff! :p :) whee~
man. wat a crazy pair of days. as in tues and wed. tues morning was okay, went for dance and 102B (these econ classes.. all drive me nuts, although nothing can beat CS, really).. i think i was reading my book for a while during class haha. oops. the grumpy koala is SO funny though.. lemme try and find a pic
there! grumpy koala:) haha it's so cute.. jackie was amused too:) anyway it's been so long since i read for pleasure, it's a really nice feeling. of course it also means i slack but well.. this quarter has been so disastrous anyway..
anyway so i came back from 102B (fighting the urge to fall asleep), had lunch, took a nap. got woken up by my alarm, then the phone (jackie ordered dinner) and i really didn't feel like getting up but in the end i was kind of awake. and i was glad i got up cos sean was online! yayyy:)
but like after that was rather downhill in a sense. had extra econ 165 class (and then when i was coming back from dinner i realized that's my last class for today and it's my first class tmr! -grumps-). and then i went to the lair to get namesurfer done.. but it so was not getting done >.< so i got rather mad/frustrated.
went back to my room at like a quarter to 1am, quite annoyed. thankfully kiat came over at like a quarter to 3 to help me out yayyy. but before that i was so so so frustrated i was making alot of noise and annoying the hell out of poor jackie.. haha. and then i was in the hallway and i stomped around in anger for a while and david said i looked like an angry duck. which actually is rather hilarious
and i was also kind of tired so i was complaining, "anything that requires a lot of work pisses me off!" and jackie looked at me with such a horrified expression i was like wellll you know i don't really mean it. but maybe i do, so lazy.
ah watever. anyhow i managed to finish the silly program before it was due! for once! (maybe twice) and that was such a great feeling:p also with the help of one of the section leaders who lives down the hall. then dinner w dayoung and chi alpha..
i am so so so excited for snowboarding on sat! psyched up! haha. i guess also cos i don't have to plan it, makes life a lot less stressful. but i haven't been since mid-jan! i hope the snow's good and we have loads of fun:) (and none of us end up injured 0_0) and yay i have a fellow snowboarder.. didn't know sicheng boards too wheee.
okay i'm so psyched up i must post the pic of my pretty board again. haha. ahhh! okay must do work first. so i can replicate the miracle of my A-IHUM-paper due the day after snowboarding.. in the form of full marks for 102B pset maybe? anywayyyy snowboard! man i don't even know why i'm so crazy about it. maybe cos my quarter hasn't been that wonderful and boarding is something that definitely makes me happy. alright i don't even think i'm coherent anymore:
i must take more pics of my snowboard hm. but this is when it was brand new! lala. and not scratched.
yay i had a rather happy day in all:) slightly unexpected, but good!
so the first part of the day was spent struggling with my (tired) body. got up at 6am to write econ paper cos last night i was just too sick of it to get anything much done. and then i had lots of trouble getting my eyes to stay open. so i think i went back to sleep from 7:30 to 8ish.. struggle is definitely the word.
anyhow i finished it, on time, surprisingly. i guess in the end i'm like i've tried my best, that's it. and i actually got to class on time, which was nice cos i haven't been very good at doing that when stuff is due. when the quarter is finally winding down, then i begin to get my act together. how ironic is that..
i was rather in a rush to get out of class cos i wanted to go to the post office to get my jason hahn book (which i then spent like 1.5hrs after lunch devouring instead of doing my work. but it was so riveting). i almost feel a little embarrassed cos i keep getting packages/package slips from the housing office and the guy recognizes me already. haha.
lemme see.. and it was such a beautiful god-given day:) awesome weather! so i'm like yes, i must finally get my lazy ass down to the gym. esp if i'm going snowboarding this sat (which was sort of decided for me cos happily my prof moved the pset due date to wed instead of mon).. and also bcos i haven't exercised since that fateful mid-jan day when i slipped on the ice.
yeah so i fell asleep during CS again.. probably wasn't such a great idea, given that he was going thru the next assignment :| oh well. i'm sure we'll figure it out. then went to the gym, felt happy i was actually doing something about all the eating i've been doing. i really should stop taking comfort in food. not a healthy thing to do.
but anyhow, i also resolved to go to the lair to get help with namesurfer (due wed). it's this program which reads in a database of names and how popular they were from 1900 to 2000 and then plots a graph. pretty cool:) so i went after dinner and ron was there to help! haha he is such a unique character.. his metaphorical explanations were very helpful though, that was nice.
and then i decided since i'm at tresidder i might as well go to frosoco/lag and visit pple, since i never ever go over & i definitely hadn't seen kiat in forever. so i went and saw kiat, misha, tu, stacey, daniel, philbert. it was nice hanging out and chilling:) although it is also quite an unearthly hour now (i'm one to talk, given the ridiculous hours i stay up to code CS!) but it's sort of amazing cos at 7pm i was feeling quite sleepy and yet i managed to survive quite happily until now. coding CS was tiring but hanging out was fun so i'm glad~
but now i must sleep. hope tmr's social dance is fun! yay
this is so weird. i'm hearing lots of strange music coming from somewhere towards the north-east of campus (my dorm is east-campus) but i'm too lazy to go check it out. anyway, there was this flute-like-sounding tune for a bit, and after reading chim's reply to my email wrt chicago, i just have this image of a peaceful temple-like retreat place (you know, the kind you see in movies) with nice soothing music (yes, featuring a flute of some sort). i guess it's like some meditative place or something. long for peace.
anyhow weather's getting better and so i'm happy! the only problem is i think i slacked off too much last week so this weekend is going to be hell (and yes, i'm still here blogging). a paper due monday which is 20% of my grade, another program due wed. ahh.
the latter conversation transpired between me & CS 10mins ago.
CS: The latter's Chris' Outrageous Chocolate Cake combines brownie, pie, and cheesecake into 1,380-calorie pudding.
CS: Cheesecake Factory
CS: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6399267.stm
me: WOAH
me: they're going to kill pple with that man
CS: yeah
me: i wonder if it's new
me: probably not right
CS: no
CS: but gives you an idea
me: augh
me: i ate a choc cake today cos i was stressed
me: haha
CS: ok
CS: a whole cake???
me: no la
me: whole cake i die already you know
and i just had a hysterical laughing fit, which apparently rather alarmed jackie. and i was like well, i wasn't too sure if i could've stopped, but it's been a long time since i laughed that much.
more quotes from jackie:
context: she passed him some of her perishables (namely, roti prata & her 7-layer caramel cake) and her air-con to store over winter break.
"of all the things i gave john, the only thing he can't keep is the air-conditioner."
jackie informs me that my hysterical laughter was quite disturbing.
me: but you did that to me once!
jackie: yes, but i went and promptly got into bed
jackie tries to persuade me to go take a nap.
me, resisting strenuously, then conceding: i think i will. i can't think anymore.
jackie, visibly VERY relieved: THANK GOD.
random note: went for mentoring dinner (finally! this is the 7th week!) and had honey walnut prawns!! well i've had better elsewhere but since i haven't eaten them in a long time i was quite happy:) and then my fortune in the fortune cookie was hilarious (it also rather reminded me of retreat): "you are very expressive and positive in words, act and feeling." both of which are so, so not me. unless you think otherwise, in which case do let me know cos i'd be rather curious.
anyway yes, after a disastrous midterm/hangman-program-due/pset due week, i came out of my econ classes with an epiphany. well, it's sort of a blurry epiphany since i'm not sure yet. but i may change my major. i mean, i really did not like macroecon last quarter (might be the fault of the teacher, might be that i didn't really understand stuff and therefore am now somewhat averse to it, maybe i just am not interested in learning about the fed/...)
but this quarter i feel like walking out of my econ classes 1 hr into lecture (they're 1h50). int'l econ i don't always feel like walking out, usually it's pretty intense so not much time to look at the clock and stuff. but it's a little hard to grasp too i guess, and he goes somewhat fast. but econometrics.. really.. i don't know. and my econ major right now is a finance track, but i really don't know if i'd like learning about those either. -_- i guess i'll have to do huge-time shopping next quarter. my bro suggested just taking one econ class and really exploring the rest of my options.
i also didn't realize how worried my family was about my state. so-called. cos my mom called, and my brother called, and ... i never really thought sophomore slump was a real concept but i guess maybe it is true.. when you really start wondering about what the heck you're doing (or actually, i should be using 'i' instead of 'you', as leng&hung would say). in life, in school, in whatever.
i know a couple of my fellow sealnet-ers are thinking about that, and one of dayoung's friends took the quarter off. i think she had a little bit of a self-esteem problem.. apparently she kept saying she doesn't know why she's at stanford, ... i didn't really believe it when people said everyone feels the same way 'how did i get in?' but i think i do now. and it's kind of like we don't realize what it is that makes us unique, and it takes other people to tell us sometimes. (at least, so i found out at the retreat when leng&hung were asking us to listen to each other and tell each other what we valued about the other person etc).
haha suddenly that sounded rather upbeat. oh well. david (the guy who gives me a ride to church normally) is at san diego so today i went w lisa & bertram & adelene. [daryl overslept! tsk]. anyway it was nice seeing all the stanford pple, but i think i prefer my own church. i guess familiarity does do something for you. and familiarity with songs. i feel like i can't really worship properly if i don't know the songs cos i'm trying to catch the tune, the words, and it just doesn't work. maybe that's why i felt weird at chi alpha last year.. although i know i should be able to worship anyway but it's tough.
anyway we had lunch at adelene's house and it was yummy! she cooked a mee siam-ish dish, very good. and she had pineapple tarts! just what i was craving! yay!! blessed:) haha. i have decided bengawan solo tarts are pretty good. although i really liked the de cooking house one (the shop's at far east square near chinatown!).
okay i really need to code yahtzee. it's kind of a fun game.. and i'm glad i don't have any other psets to do so i can really work on it. yay! and CNY dinner later should be awesome too:) oh and it was so nice to see megan yesterday, and the talisman concert was awesome, christina ho (freshman at chi alpha) has an amazing voice!
okay. so i'm tired of doing work and decided i could think about retreat so at least i get to do something fun. haha.
anyway. so there was a lot of breathing and listening (to yourself - being aware of wat's happening in your body, and to others, and to the surroundings). some of it was kind of similar to improv class, which made me think of dan (he's our improv coach! v cool guy:) at the beginning and comparing, but i forgot that after a bit.
at the beginning and at the end of retreat, we had this inner-outer circle where they'd play slow pure moods sort of music (which i'm sort of addicted to now!) and then we'd partner (inner circle w outer circle) and think about various things and reveal them to each other. they (leng & hung) created a lot of trust, i think.
and also kb, she's such an amazing person. so dynamic and yet willing to be so open and share such personal things in front of a huge group even though she hasn't met like more than half of us before. that's really something i admire. and also just having one person open up like that makes other people more willing to share.
so while all this was happening, i definitely felt closer to people there. but there was this nagging feeling in the back of me. because i kept thinking, shouldn't this kind of closeness be achieved with fellow christians? but i can't really imagine chi alpha pple standing around doing that sort of thing.. i dunno. it's hard to explain. takes a certain kind of atmosphere and person to perpetuate that. and it is admittedly kind of touchy-feely sort of thing.
oh yes and they were coaching us on being more honest about our emotions and owning them. saying "i feel (watever)" and esp when giving feedback (cos you're less likely to judge people or hurt them i guess). and also u're being more open and more vulnerable. and helping us find our values.
we had this relate-acting-to-leadership workshop thing, which was really cool. and there was this thing about telling your partner a story which showcased your 'personal best' moment and extracting your values/strengths from that and then coming up with a metaphor for your values/strengths. that was valuable. cos i always have trouble with the whole articulating your skills/strengths/... stuff.
sigh i kind of miss being there. although while i was there i felt a bit awkward cos i didn't know what to say to people either. and i had a number of emotionally draining conversations cos they were the higher-level-type and i guess being so engaged/watever you wanna call it takes a lot out of me. alright let's face it i just don't have very much energy unless i'm in a crazy mood.
and i feel awful about not wanting to talk to my family. because i'm struggling with school and i don't know what i'm going to do about my summer! well okay the context for that is that my mom was trying to talk to me on skype and my stupid headset wasn't working so i called the home phone. and my mom was asking me abt retreat, i didn't feel like talking about it (too tiring to talk about it i guess). and then about my (failed) interviews. then my bro wanted to talk to me about summer. i suppose now i'm unhappy because talking about all those reminded me of my inadequacy (which i recognize is ridiculous since like everyone keeps saying, i'm just a sophomore, it's okay. and i knew that i wanted experience, which i did get.)
and that is also why i don't want to go for akpsi meeting later, cos i know people will ask me about the interview stuff and i don't want to talk about it.
alright i think i feel a little better. i wish pam was here, she's like my mommy-friend and i need someone like that right now. i guess i'll go spend some time with God. if i can find Him. it is so hard sometimes, how many times have I been to church this quarter? it's awful.
i am so annoyed.. i was editing my hangman code on ryan's laptop over the weekend and somehow it didn't save to my external drive so i've to redo everything -_- not that it was a lot but STILL! growl. i want a laptop.
anyhow, i figured (fine this is somewhat procrastination) that i should have closure on the retreat. so my 6th weekend of winter quarter (and 5th weekend off campus) was spent at SEALNet retreat. and what is SEALNet? --> www.sealnetonline.org
it was such an out-of-the-world weekend. i guess cos the two main facilitators, leng & hung, were such breathing/connect-with-your-spirit sort of people. or at least, i think that's what they do when they coach people.
suddenly after that little nap i don't feel like blogging anymore so i guess the rest has to wait till later!