hahaha.. i just had a very amusing time. jieying showed me one of her students' essays.. which consisted of 10 hypothetical characters.. (the topic was: in what ways can lying be justified) and he even named most of them! and then later willa was telling us one of her students tried to define "television" in his essay.. we couldn't stop laughing.. man.. i didn't think such things happen in JC. oh a quote from one of the essays "james' pocket money was running very quickly". i'm sure it could have won an olympic sprint!
ow. feeling battered. anyway, i just realised i met 2 guys who answered, upon my asking how old they were, "how old do you think i look?" i thought it was only girls who did that, but apparently not. maybe it is really a singaporean/asian thing to look younger than one's age, like m. kalife said.
and my interview's on friday! i really hate interviews la. ugh. esp preparing for them. and of cos the real thing too. and the aftermath. okay that's like everything about them. and i still have to figure out to make sure my gp lessons are vaguely interesting. which seems like impossible. or else a lot of work.
not much to say today. and i actually suddenly thought of the phrase "i've been waiting for you all my life" on the way home.. dunno why, just remembered it from a song/book. but have decided to remove it as a blog title bcos dearest ser says it sounds like i'm attached. blah. anyway, yes i shall get off soon.. yay i like my new blog template:) even though it's koped. haha.
"I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde
I love that quote. haha. no, let me correct myself, i love oscar wilde.. he has such sardonic wit. i hope that's the correct adjective. somehow i'm sure there's a better way to describe it.. excellence use of irony? i wonder if there's such thing as ironic wit. anyway, this is why i like "the importance of being earnest" haha. among the rest.
i'm in a happier mood today yay:)
lunch w pam n joon was nice:) i should've eaten dessert though.. oh well. must get used to feeling poor. it's always lovely to meet up:) however, there're always awkward silences. it's kind of like, whatever we've shared is in the past, and now everyone's doing different stuff.. or maybe it's just me. i know a lot of people have been reflecting on what friendships are built on. it is nice to find out what everyone else is/has been doing.. okay i'm going off track, can think about that another time - i gotta plan lessons! ahh.
oh dear. i wanted to say something but forgot. anyway, i got back maybe 1/2hr ago. so tired! but it was quite a gd dinner.. surprisingly didn't feel that full, i must be getting fat: anyway, i coincidentally met lijia at topshop! while i was trying to get the tag removed from my shirt.. my dad ah.. haha i asked him to get me a shirt frm las vegas and the guy in the shop didn't remove the tag! and dad didn't realise.. oh well. he's trying to remove the tag now haha.
for the record, my dad bought me 2 bags frm vegas:D his taste is actually quite good, and it also saves me the trouble of buying my own bags:p i think i take forever to buy stuff.
anyway, yeah, then chris arrived.. and lyd.. and we waited like 10mins (luckily it wasn't the predicted 1/2hr) and got table.. then puee came along.. i haven't seen puee in ages! gd thing chris asked her to come:) and we heard a number of stories abt rgs.. i miss rg.. drove past the sch a few times in the past week and was just reliving those days in my mind. and puee seems to be the only one enjoying the time-btwn-end-of-jc-and-uni so much so that she doesn't want to go back to sch.. while the rest of us all prefer it. i guess there're pros and cons.
shall branch off for a moment. what i like abt now: no homework! (haha well, sort of. that's a huge plus) i just feel more free to do whatever i want.. well of course there's the problem of earning my keep, but besides that.. everything's my choice.
what i don't like abt now: end up doing mostly brainless stuff/having to find something meaningful... as in compared to in sch, everything's set out for you, just follow the system. go do your ccas, study for tests/exams, ace them, ... don't have to think about getting a job/what job to get/etc
yeah anyway, later jane came along.. her law interview questions were hilarious.. actually on 2nd thoughts it's the way that she recounted them that was so amusing..
and we met the interact club pple! so cool, were sitting at starbucks outside (my main complaint: a LOT of cigarette smoke, which i simply can't stand) and i was idly staring at the glass pane and saw dearest fiona! haha. so called her, they came out to talk to us.. hwying stayed on to talk.. i also haven't met her in a long time. not that i was close to her to start with.. but well, it's always nice to meet fellow-geppers.
so, ended up talking until 11.45 when mom called and i realised that oh no, there's no bus/mrt left! sharks. so much for spore with a bustling nightlife.. rather contemptuous of it. okay that's a rather strong word.. but i don't know how to say it.. ahh. my lack of vocab is very disturbing.
okay i'm really tired.. shall give up. and somehow, when me n chris got to city hall, the only trains left were going to kranji/pasir ris. so weird.
ah. upon rummaging through the newspapers for friday i have discovered the author of my "in our no-nonsense approach..." quote. his name is peh shing huei. okay the complete quote: "In our no-nonsense approach to life, we lost that bit of idealism, romance and passion. We sacrificed on brilliance, flair and creativity. We denied ourselves geniuses and great men."
and there's another part that i find is so true "Instead of pursuing our passions, Singaporeans are conditioned by the need to survive and to have a safety net. Often, we don't do things because we like it. We do it because it is practical." this is exactly why i didn't want to do things like apply for 10 over scholarships (not faulting those who did, i'm feeling the consequences now), cos I know I'd end up applying to places I'd never want to work in. But again since I still don't know what I want to do in future maybe I'm a little off-centre. And maybe it's better to be pragmatic than face the kind of situation I'm facing now.
The long phone conversation last night was an eye-opener, though most of the time my mom was the one talking to my brother. and I really felt quite lousy after that. Unfortunately everything was true. although i think if i push myself i probably can do whatever i want to.. i have to want to push myself first. sigh.
i also realised the part about feeling demoralised there would materialise VERY soon, when i find that everyone else is/seems a whole lot better than me in all sorts of things. that's something i didn't really think about. something like what serene said about how intelligent the people there will be. well for her case it's mit but i guess it's mostly the same in the top few unis.
i think being away from school has made me forgot what it's like to feel absolutely dumb with pple like changmou/yaozong/miaoyue/etc around.. esp during chem s. haha.
anyway, i also just realised last night that if i do medicine, after 8 years i'm only qualified to be a GP and i'll have to spend more time studying to specialise. doesn't sound that fantastic huh. but since i don't like working maybe studying is better.
i'm so glad i'll get to see the rest later.. haven't talked to them in ages:) and there'll be nice food too! the only problem is that i'm going to feel very poor.. i already have no $$ left in my wallet. well. and another thing, going on parents' money equals extra pressure to do well/spend less.
whatever it is, for now i shall focus on planning next week's classes (ahh!) and preparing for med interview (if i don't get in i'll have no choice, which is not necessarily a good thing)
ugh. mom is confusing me by telling me all sorts of conflicting things. "u can never earn back 400k u noe" "if u go there u'll become more extroverted" "400k is a lot for education" "now u still don't know what you want to do anyway"
when i'm in a bad mood, rock music makes me feel better. maybe the extra noise + beats drown out anything else in my head..
I pray to God to show me the way
Excerpt from Moya Brennan's "Show Me":
Show me the way, where I belong
Please show me the way to find you
Show me the way to hear your song
anyway am talking to weiying now yay.. miss her lots. haha. i guess like she said, i should be choosing between the careers not the school. though right now it's stanford vs doctor (not so much nus, cos i somehow don't like them haha)
My Favorite Things
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream-coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver-white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad
(repeat)
gretl: why don't I feel any better?
that lil girl is so cute..
anyway, i guess i feel a bit better.. shall just wait for med interview first and see what happens (my really favourite phrase) this is a cycle though, i remember yesterday i felt just as despondent in the morning before going to school.
unfortunately, rational thoughts reign for the day after a night's rest. and listening to my dad has just reminded me of how impractical it is to attempt to earn $330 000. i should go be a us citizen.. so, maybe i'll resign myself to becoming a doctor instead of draining my dad's money. it's not an easy choice to make, but like fiona says, i have to consider practicality too. maybe i should've applied for more scholarships, but being idealistic as I am, i didn't want to apply to places where i wouldn't want to spend 6 years working. as it was i wasn't even sure I wanted to work at those places i applied to. heh. okay i'm probably not making sense anymore.
for the past 2 years i've been hoping to escape but i guess that probably isn't going to happen and i'll have to face up to everything i've wanted to run away from.
oh and i realised something, i forgot to clarify about the law interview.. apparently if i get offered med i won't get an offer from law, so actually i sort of already made my decision when i put ecl as 2nd choice
right, i finally decided to call dbs and nobody answered the phone, so i emailed and:
Dear Clarissa
Thank you for your mail. After the psychometric tests, we have further short listed candidates for interview. Due to keen competition, we regret to inform you that we are unable to place you on our interview short list. However, we may contact you if there is an interview opportunity for you in due course.
We wish you all the best in your endeavors.
Regards,
Kui Ngee
fine.. don't want me right.. i'll show you i can make it on my own.. there's a word to describe that attitude but i can't remember.. reverse psychology? dunno. but of course, it remains to be seen how I'm going to achieve that. hmm.
anyway, law interview was total crap. i suppose i can't blame them fully cos i didn't really prepare for it either. but really, to assume that I'll get into med and therefore not bother about questioning me properly for law is going a bit far. the lawyer guy was quite nice though, told me about his nj reservist fren who said his 2 yrs there were most boring. and that family law is depressing. the economics woman said it was disturbing that i didn't think economics would help people as much as law/med would. i'm tempted to be racist here but shan't, given that she wasn't too bad besides that.
mom said I should've told them off for not doing the interview properly aft hearing I'm applying for medicine. yeah, missed opportunity:( but they were quite nice lah, and I also didn't prepare that well, so guess it wouldn't be too appropriate. whatever.. nus admissions is full of rubbish.
although, if i'd told them off, I'm quite sure I wouldn't have to bother going for the test tomorrow, as it is I'm just going for fun already. though I possibly could be doing better things. but nevermind.
aiyah i wanted to say something but forgot. maybe it was how one of the guys in the class-i-walked-out-on said "ms lin, why u sit there, now i cannot tell you jokes" in an effort to cheer me up or something.. so cute.
oh yes, and i know how to get them to appreciate me, just tell them the name of their gp teacher for the next 2 terms and they'll groan.. because of her reputation as a disciplinarian. haha. very well-known reputation apparently. anyway, so today i told one of the classes, and one of the girls was like "miss lin.. can you stay?? please??" haha. and they asked me why i was laughing at them when they were groaning. yes, i admit i am sadistic.
crap.. my vocab is really terrible.. i took like 5 minutes thinking of the word to describe "delighting in others' misfortunes" and still couldn't remember and had to ask my mom. there is really something wrong, i must read more books. well it's not that i'm delighting in their future misfortunes, but it's just like.. haha.. good luck to you guys.. now keep slacking in my class right, next term onwards you all die..
right, i must go and source for my funds now
a quote from one of the commentaries in straits times today.. i forgot who wrote it though haha oops. but it's about how singapore has no world-class heroes, musicians, ...
"In our no-nonsense approach to life, we lost that bit of idealism, romance and passion. We sacrificed brilliance, flair and creativity."
just caught my fancy, probably cos i'm the idealistic one wishing for a perfect world and not wanting to work to get $$..
besides waiting for next class, am waiting for my law interview.. I think it's going to be a horrible 15mins, let's just hope I can think on my feet well.
sigh i'm so tired. and not physically, although i'm aching a bit heh. well this sounds familiar. i think i dream too much. the idealist. the perfectionist. whatever. one thing my mom pointed out, i think i expect too much from my students. they are j1s after all..
was talking to jieying and shuying today. haha so cool! their names end with -ying. shuying wanted to own a farm too! haha:p anyway, yeah, now i realise how hard it was to teach my class (rj class). it really sucks when nobody wants to say anything, or when only the same people keep talking (although now i'm glad that at least -some- of them talk)
yeah and my head hurts. maybe cos i didn't fall properly. nevermind. i don't want to see the class tmr. how i wish i could retreat somewhere. far from the maddening crowd. when i don't have to worry about anything. of course that's just the easy way out. okay i'm just exaggerating as usual, nothing is bad as it seems.. media player current song: when you believe by mariah carey + whitney houston. i need a lot of miracles right now.
crap, the more people ask me abt why i walked out, the worse i feel/the more tired i feel. and it just serves to remind me of my incompetence. or laziness to go tackle problems. whatever. so so tired. at least meeting nice people makes my day. but i'm still tired. and my worsening eyesight is no help.
well, guess what. today i totally lost it and walked out of class. it was almost the end of the block though, luckily. and of all classes it was my arts class, which I thought was the easiest to teach cos they'd be more talkative n discuss more. evidently not. maybe they think i'm a lousy teacher so don't bother to do stuff properly. anyway i think i shall be prudent and not say much more here, will tell you more if you ask me personally. some things are better left unsaid. or said to less people.
time to write law statement. suddenly i feel a teeny bit blue. light shade of azure. oh on the bus back frm sch i was absent-mindedly gazing at the rgps girls (and nygh girls) and thinking about rg days. kind of miss wearing the pinafore and all.. nostalgia. but had my fair share of problems/annoyances/what not there. i think i will go back there on 16th may. nj holiday due to college day on 14th. at least i think it is.
i'm SO glad it's a long weekend this week.. but first i have to get through friday though, haven't even prepped for interview:( groan. let alone prepared my lessons! crap. i mean i have an idea of what i want to do but to prepare the stuff for it is another thing. i'll do it tomorrow while waiting for the afternoon block.. i really wanted to give up this morning, thankfully my other 2 classes were rather more cooperative. really don't think i'm cut out for this.
ah. clar is feeling very bitter. actually not that i didn't expect it.. just got rejection letter from gic. but again i wasn't very sure i wanted to spend my life looking at numbers. *shrug* but still, so much for "oh u got into stanford, scholarships will be that much easier now". haha. evidently i'm not very suitable anyhow. the way "nobody has heard of me before". okay i don't think i'm making sense. besides that, i should probably go analyse my performances. but how'd i know what's the ideal situation? hmm. i'll think about that tmr maybe.
so, i wanted a scholarship to sponsor me overseas, to give me a job, to give me an allowance thruout the 4 years. i didn't want one cos i'm not sure of my career plans. yeah okay that is certainly not balanced. but of course that one reason for not wanting it may outweigh the rest? don't know!
anyway, i'm glad they were prompt in sending the email. at least now i kind of know what to do. or what i have to do. oh yes i don't think i complained about how weird my interview was. i.e. only one interviewer and in e middle of the interview her phone rang and she said something cropped up and had to rush off for a while.
besides that, i'm glad for today. it's always fun, albeit painful: it kinda gives me a reason to stay here. but actually i'll probably be too busy to continue. dunno lah. to give up stanford for nus? but of course i have to get into nus first. and i also know jiahui will kill me for not going to her dream school. i think this will end up the way i thought about doing a level french. i.e. i'll somehow fund myself there. so i'm not asking for sympathy or comfort, this is just to complain for the sake of it/think about stuff.
on last thoughts, i think i don't have enough passion for anything. i mean, when i look at serene and her ardour for mit (thus leading to everything she knows about it), i'm like wow. while i just sit back and relax. it's actually quite bad. and probably cost me a lot.
and to add to my despair, i'm not even sure i can discuss the gp essay questions properly with my class! groan. okay i should stop digging the pit deeper for myself. shall go and eat a cookie. haha.
mm. feel a sense of calm. peace. don't know how come. maybe cos gic interview is over (and wasn't particularly fantastic, but let's just hope for the best).
ahh. and i just read some stuff on law/med interviews, totally freaked out again. yay. oh speaking of today's med test.. i didn't like the essay topic.. and didn't really write properly either oh well. and then talking to siewjin just reminded me.. they're unbelievably stupid lah.. okay that's a bit too abusive.. they're very inefficient.. i mean, common sense would tell you to give out the answer sheet with the psychometric test booklet to save time, esp when there're 600+ candidates. and then the index numbers were put in such a way that the pple had to walk up one column and then go back down and start from the front (whether collecting or giving out test booklets). even then, one could just take the booklets from the number at the end and give out instead of walking up and down. okay i hope i haven't turned incoherent at this point.
and then the hall was divided into two sections.. there's a table in the middle (for the 2nd section) and at one end (for the 1st section). the test papers were ALL on the end table, so some of the invigilators had to carry the papers for the 2nd section to the middle table. like, why can't you just put it there before everything starts and stop wasting our time..
haha okay i finished ranting. but really, their idiocy astounds me. or maybe i'm being overly critical.. as usual.. anyway i was mouthing complaints at candice:p she was one column away from me in the same row.. yaozong too! on the other side.. and monmon was in the nxt column one seat behind.. and kumar a few seats in front of mon.. quite cool:D
i forgot if i blogged this.. but just remembered one of my students said he wanted to eat roasted zebra on thurs.. and decided that he thought zebra should taste quite nice, if not lions wouldn't chase them. so cute. so one of the girls was like.. luckily u weren't noah or there'll be no animals left. i was thinking pile of bones left when the flood subsides.. haha.
i really think i'm going a bit mad. first i wasn't happy. then i got high on hakuna matata or something. and now i miss french immersion (and all the nonsense that yunlei/kai/cheukka were spouting). talking to cheukkie abt the trip now.. so many funny memories. i'm so glad i got to know her.. funny gal:) and i was just complaining to her sometimes i suddenly feel so indescribably lonely. and she's like "orh.. i also.. so get a bf lo" rofl. like so easy to get like that. by mail order. okay that's not really something to joke about, given that it actually exists as a serious thing.
right i'm supposed to be writing my personal statement, don't know why i ended up here unburdening myself. my philosophy is that if i don't unburden myself i can't write! haha. convenient excuses.
oh! i can't remember if i posted the funny things i saw on simpsons (quite a long time ago)..
the simpsons' house suddenly sank into the ground. and some guy frm a building company came to check with a spirit level. he placed it on top of one of the walls, and it immediately slid down the wall and crashed. homer "did you see the bubble?"
english teacher "are you ready to take your make-up english test?" (the first time he missed it cos he feigned a stomachace)
bart, doubling over in pain, "oww.. my ovaries.."
i think i should watch more episodes to amuse myself. but they aren't always funny. somehow the ones i watch with my brother are always hilarious. miss him lots too. i guess like lyd said (she's in the same situation with her sis graduating this year) it's not so good to go away when your elder sibling comes back. sigh. what a mess. i only wish i knew what to do.
i hate interviews. really. and i can never say the right things. or rather, i can learn from saying the wrong things, but end up saying even more wrong things. it doesn't seem like i'll ever exhaust them all and it also doesn't seem like i'll end up at stanford. so much for getting in!
anyway i need to complain somemore, i'm only 18, how am i supposed to know what my career aspirations are? don't people change? i've heard of so many people who go to uni and totally switch majors. and even if i do get called back by gic, do i want to spend 6 years staring at numbers all the time? but i'm sure they look at other things besides numbers right.
i should just go and buy a farm. but again i don't like cleaning up either haha. talk about fussy. anyway, even if i go to uni w/o a scholarship, i'll have to go for job interviews after that. and sell myself again. oh, i'm such a wonderful person therefore you should hire me. interminable. i wonder what it's like to be an author.
on another note, i think bond (their music) makes me feel better when i'm not happy.
it's finally friday.. hardly realised it. must be cos of the wednesday-holiday. such a horrible day. week? i don't know. very mood-swingy this week i think. awful. and i have an interview lined up for each friday for the next two weeks. don't know about dbs. and two personal statements to write. okay i think i've said all that before.
i think it's my classes which keep me sane. at least i have something to look forward to.
speaking of which i need to try and be a better teacher.
it really never ends does it. always better, better, better. i'm very tired now really. and i don't mean physically.
upon glancing thru this again i realised how melancholic it sounds. but it's true. it's so much easier to ignore anything that matters and just go on every day but one day (or night) it just comes and stares you in the face and you want to scream. okay that last sentence i quoted from one of the anne books. childhood book, but there're little quotes which mean something. they mean something to me at any rate.
right i think i sound totally convoluted. ramble ramble ramble. but what else is a blog for, if not to vent frustrations? moo. feeling ambivalent.
right i'm totally stressed out (thanks to myself, i don't know what's wrong with me nowadays) and if i don't type something i'm going to explode soon.
so, i got my rejection letter frm sia yesterday, which kind of leaves me with 2 scholarships left.. and my gic interview is tmr and i haven't really prepped. and my mom was telling me i haven't been putting in enough effort. which i suppose is true to an extent. so, given that i only have 2 "lifelines" left (unless loke cheng kim miraculously calls me up, and i manage to convince them) i'm a wee bit desperate at the moment, given my tendency to screw up interviews.
in any case, i still don't know what exactly i want to do for a career. so, even as i'm feeling very lucky that i got shortlisted for both med n law, i have 2 more essays to write. and interviews and tests and blah. that's not so much of a problem.
the last concern being that i'm a terrible relief teacher. i feel like i'm short-changing my students. esp after today's staff meeting. i'm like. gape. how in the world did they manage to do so many things? and i also realised i have to start my students on essays soon and i have to MARK them and there're still people who owe me compres, which i have yet to finish marking as well. and it's not like nj's gp is like that of rj.. frankly i don't think mrs lim did very much teaching, mostly discussion. anyway yeah, rj, they just throw stuff at you, and somehow you manage to swim. at least for our class i think we managed okay in the end.
and now, i'm like. right. i haven't planned my lessons properly and i still have all these random application things to worry about. i just don't know.. my students don't seem to want to do stuff i tell them to do, or else they take a super long time to do stuff, and then i get so sian watching them being so sian too. i'm not even sure i can mark their paragraphs/introductions/essays (when they finally write one) properly.
feel like i've bitten off more than i can chew. and as usual, everything is undeniably my fault. poor time management, watever.
wah. i'm feeling so drained. spent 15mins trying to reason with my grandma.. she kept insisting on giving me money to go and perm my hair, cos apparently my hair is very messy and unkempt when i let it down, and if i don't perm, my students will think i'm very poor and my hair'll look terrible. really so tiring.. and she has a very very strong grip, was trying to force the money into my hands, and kept repeating herself even though i explained to her umpteen times that i was working, ... ... aiyoh. and threatened me with like "if i fall down (while trying to force money on me) how?" "if you dont' take the money i won't sleep!"
and the last time it was "i'm giving you money so that you won't have to scrimp and save on food, so you won't have to keep going to your friend's house to eat cos it's not very good to impose on them".
luckily i managed to persuade her to keep her money.
and my eyesight is really really terrible:( maybe it would've been better to stay at the zoo sigh. but actually no that's quite impossible i wouldn't survive the weeks esp if i have to do double duty.
i wonder if there're people who can never look angry.
Heh. one day when I was watching discovery channel or something, it was on Australia's native animals (I think). wombat! haha it's so cute. anyway the part I watched was on koalas. The commentary "the koala's greatest passion is sleeping". -beams-
and today.. my funny class.. actually it's just that I can hear all the things that the people in the front row say. I gave them the current affairs quiz.
qn: list the 5 cities (remaining contenders) which are interested in hosting the 2012 Olympics.
guy: Bethlehem. cos it's a holy city.
nxt qn was about the nepali twins ganga and jamuna. the qn was something like : operation was performed on ___ twins, ____ and ____, for the purpose for ____ them.
they didn't know the nationality, so the guy was like "siamese"
and didn't know the names either. suggestions included "maria and sutti", "momo and jojo", "fatimah and aminah"
and just to be ridiculous, guy said it was for the purpose of dissecting them.
qn: with effect from nxt yr, graduates who want to be teachers have to _______
gal: learn home econs
me: cook for their students right
okay there're somemore but I'm tired, shall go mark a few compres. not that that's particularly relaxing but well. my eyesight is really terrible now:( help me.. argh.
right. i'm very very tired. and i haven't read up on current affairs! aahh. and i actually saw my nj student at the concert -horror of horrors-. she happily said "See u tmr!" ahhhh. not looking forward to this. it was like, zero breath control and shaky voice does not add up to an excellent performance! haha. oops. anyway it was fun to perform again though, albeit a bit scary.
and i was checking out one of the stanford acapella grp websites.. their recordings.. the one of beautiful stranger is really scary lah, it sounds like the original song not an acapella version.. haha really super zai. but i think dischordant's perfect day arrangement is nicer than theirs. but they have better blending. or maybe its the way they recorded.. dunno la..
k i'm really too tired to write anymore, maybe tmr.. zzzz