Woohoo.. After pretty much 3 years of not blogging I decided it was high time to record some thoughts about the last two crazy days :p
Liestal Fasnacht/Chienbase
Heard about this from Sich since we got here; one of his colleagues or someone one or other told him about how their festival includes burning huge stacks of wood and firefighters are on hand just in case. So I have this picture in my head of some rural countryside town and a procession of wheelbarrows or something stacked with kindling wood. Nothing could be further from reality, it turned out :p
Liestal is a small town northeast of Basel and has a cute little town centre. Admittedly I think we only managed to walk through it on a Sunday or something when most things were closed. The other time we ended up there was for a small Christmas market. Anyway, it gets crazy packed for this event, and people are indeed lining the streets. Prior to arriving, we have been cautioned by multiple people to "wear old clothes" cos embers are flying all over the place and could burn a hole in your clothes. I'm like ?! we have no old winter clothes! We're from Singapore! Anyway.. we managed as best we could and thankfully our clothes escaped damage and destruction :)
First thing we encounter when we get out of the train station is a huge crowd. Well, to be fair, the crowd was already present on the train; we were squished like sardines on the train going there. Anyway, said crowd migrates towards food stalls (your typical wurst aka sausage stands) and a little further down there is a huge band playing. Sich said it reminded him of the Stanford band. I'm like yep, crazy jumping around, a lot of energy, sounds about right! The tuba players have little seals on their tubas! So cute.
After being entertained for a couple of mins we decide to move on. We have also been warned to get there early to get a spot cos the sidewalks fill up quick! I think we were standing there waiting from around 6:20pm to 7:20pm. In the cold! I had trouble feeling my toes at intervals. Then again, that happens somewhat frequently. Anyhow, the lights go out at 7pm promptly. We are like yay!! It's starting! Nope, not quite. The next 20mins or so is spent waiting in the dark (while houses around turn off their lights too). There were a couple of bands entertaining us here and there, but soon they too have to clear off the street. I guess parades don't start on Swiss time (it was supposed to start at 7:15pm but nothing yet).. Or my watch was fast.
Finally we start hearing stuff! Woohoo. I thought it would just kick off straight with all the fire stuff, but it was just a normal parade with the standard Fasnacht piccolo drum combination and head lanterns/bigger lanterns first. Still pretty cool, since I haven't seen any Fasnacht stuff in person yet. Only checked out some videos/pictures online to get a flavour of what to expect.
Soon enough, the fire stuff comes out. Not super impressive at first, people carrying huge brooms (though they do look pretty heavy) lit on fire. But after a while! The big guns come out.. Huge rings of firewood flaming and almost looking like they're going to torch the electric lines overhead! I also realized what people meant about the embers; they really are flying all over the place.
It really seemed like the procession was never ending. After about 40mins or more, I nudged Sich and was like, should we start moving? My idea was actually to go home but Sich wanted to follow the procession. Also, the crowd made it kind of hard to do anything else :p The streets were literally plastered with glowing embers/log bits that had fallen off paraders' broomstick things. Crazy! I'm glad our shoes escaped destruction too, although Sich's shoes did end up with a fine layer of ash on them. Oops.
wow.. i guess it's been a long long time since i updated this blog.
decided i had to jot down some notes about cirque du soleil's totem! since i never got round to doing that for the other shows, although i'm sure i had thoughts about the acts.
sadly, missed the first act. i usually like the trampoline/fast act, whatever they call it. but the last bits that we caught, was not very impressed by. seemed like the carapace made things a bit squeezy. but again, it probably had to do with the fact that we were viewing it from the side and not the front. this is why i would be willing to pay for category 1 seats. but again, these category 2 seats were not bad.. and already totalled almost $100 :( ah well, discount tickets...
umm. hoop dancer. i couldn't figure out if that was supposed to be an act. sort of? filler item? anyway, not very impressed either.
thankfully it got better :p rings trio! it was kind of random though, people dressed in beach clothes read: berms for the guys, showing off their crazy muscles and 6-pecs, and the girl was ridiculously muscular too, quite scary.. i think we found out from the program that she's ukrainian. anyway, the guys were somewhat coordinated i think. although i liked the one nearer us in the orange/yellow outfit than the other guy in blue. seemed like the orange guy was more lithe and acrobatic, haha. stronger. i don't think they were completely in sync though, tsktsk. funky music. oh yes, indie hiphop music. kind of random.
oohh.. good stuff. unicycles and bowl juggling. all asian girls! the requisite all asian act.. lol. usually it's like this or diabolos (tossing these top-like things on strings) or contortion (ooh, haven't seen that in a while..) anyway they were pretty awesome! crazy high unicycles and were tossing bowls (light metal ones) from their feet and catching them on their heads. or tossing them onto other people's heads. crazy!!! really gd coordination. although one of the girls missed once. sometimes i wonder if they purposely throw some mistakes in to remind us they're human. or is it quality lowering, cos the first few cirque shows i watched, i don't recall there being mistakes. or just accidents, which is also possible.
foot juggling! also pretty impressive :) they were twirling these clothes! to make them spin. and i was just marvelling at their coordination.. like, each foot has to spin the cloth.. and then one foot has to be spinning at full speed while the other starts up. i think my feet/hands/brain would get really confused. i unfortunately missed one of the coolest parts though, cos i was trying to take a photo :/ not a gd choice.. to take a photo at that point. cos one girl was balanced on the other and she had both her feet spinning clothes, and somehow they managed to get like 6 (or 8? don't even know if that's possible hm) clothes spinning.. maybe 6. hmm. anyway, was gorgeous :)
perches. business men
it's a pity that when i finally decide to blog again, it's cos i'm in a bad mood. i suppose if i'm in a good mood there isn't much to rant about huh? or it goes into my written diary... e.g. praises for what God has done. the irony. anyway i can't figure out if i'm being PMSy or tired or what it is, but really, I was in such a bad mood today! I think working late last week + on Saturday really made me feel like I'm so done with this stupid report so Monday was kind of unproductive (plus my manager told me I could go home at a decent hour, so I kind of assumed the worst was over - not true). Today at 6:30 he stops by and pretty much tells me I've to stay late (or was assuming that I was going to, whereas I was actually intending on leaving already. More irony). I guess that's why we didn't have to work too much on the weekend.
He was really nice about it though, said to make up for it, if we get an extension I can go home earlier on Friday. I'm like haha... I just got arrowed to audit this other huge report due next Fri, fat chance about leaving at decent hours for the next week or so, it seems. Anyway, was just not very gracious about it in general. Maybe I'm just tired.
God has been good, nevertheless. I did get a nice brunch on Sat and Bobby McFerrin! and hanging out with Selene! and different yummy Vietnamese food + pandan waffle/improv on Fri/finding the hill! But I guess that came with sleep deprivation too so not the most ideal... Ah well, at least there're more waffles coming up this Sat :p and SF Symphony on Sat night! Yeah... maybe that'll motivate me. and I also have to stop stress-eating..
i was just remarking to ser this morning that it's been such a long time since i blogged and she was like ya, you shd blog!
alright that was yesterday as in wed, jan 13.
i have realized that when i don't have deadlines, i tend to slack. a LOT. and be very unmotivated. basically i just wrapped up a case, and the reports were due monday. so the week before i worked late on tues, wed, fri (manager let me off on thurs cos i had tickets to go watch cirque [yay!]), came in on sat and sun. i calculated it was a 70-hr week and have NO idea how i-bankers survive... it really wasn't very fun. anyhow, thankfully the CEO gave us tuesday off :):) i was very happy, it felt like time for the ACTUAL weekend on monday night. and then when i came in on wed i was curious to find out what case i'd be staffed on cos jem's like "20march! tahoe!" and i'm like well... depends on when my next report is due. anyhow. came in for 1.5 hrs with nothing to do (again! gosh, you can't imagine how useless one feels).
and then my first proj mgr gave me a case to work on. but it's pretty far on out and there aren't even that many documents to work with [i guess that's good, better than overload] so i'm just summarizing patent license agreements now. but i'm back to being slack, that i can feel... i guess i need to set my own deadlines else i just float along.
yesterday i was so tempted to go to sushi with my coworkers! but i brought lunch. ah well. and it would've been kind of ex... but i also realized that it's a trade-off between spending $ and getting to know them better. so i guess maybe half the time i should eat out and the other half i can bring stuff. it's also slightly annoying that we STILL don't have a kitchen cos there's no fridge and i can't leave stuff lying around. although today's lunch (portobello mushroom panini) is going to have to sit around until i leave, at least sandwiches are less problematic in that sense i think. anyway it was hilarious, when steve (my 2nd proj mgr) saw that i was going to get lunch with them his jaw dropped and he gave me this utterly SHOCKED look and held it for a while cos i didn't notice at first. rofl.
the funny thing is that i think the staying late thing helped me bond with the rest a bit. like, i'm more comfortable with stopping by offices and asking how things are going. and there was something else but i forget.
mmm. i think i shall try to make pan de sal tonight. :D am excited. and matt gave me his banana bread recipe! also excited about that, but probably not making that just yet... we shall see. he said the measurements aren't exact cos the recipe's at home in minnesota.
anyway the whole getting tuesday off threw me off kilter a little cos it felt so much like a weekend that i thought today is tuesday when it's really thursday... ah well. next weekend! woohoo. and moving. haha. time to unpack in the new house for real! yayyy.
wow, i don't know why i felt so tired by the time it was 5pm... i also don't know why i can't seem to wake up past 9am anymore. i guess it's kind of been like that since last summer/recruiting season last year, but... hm. rather odd. even this summer at home, if i went to bed at 3am i'd still wake up at 9. i guess i wanted to eat breakfast cos there were so many nice things to eat, but really. so greedy! anyway... oh, i got my remote (for the car) programmed today, didn't realize it was so easy! the technician did it for me in a matter of seconds. awesome :) and i paid like USD30 (from ebay) instead of 80 (if i'd gotten it from the dealer).
then, cs cooked lunch. or, i guess, technically winston did. haha. man, that sambal was crazy.. :p i came out from the bathroom upstairs and it assailed my nose. i can't imagine what it must've been like for those downstairs! anyway we had to open the windows and all to let the smell out. ridiculous... it was VERY powerful sambal. i guess there was too much... so hot! haha. so had to eat slowly... which i guess wasn't a bad thing. i'm kinda surprised that they were full with just two dishes though. i was good, but then i'm a girl, and a tiny one at that. maybe the rice was filling. hm. and then cs made molten chocolate cake! gosh it was sooo good. but so bad too cos we had crepe + ice cream last night, and then i eat dessert AGAIN today. ah well... -shakes head-
anyhow. dropped bert back at his dorm and got a tour of the newly renovated crothers. man, it is SO nice. i was like why did i graduate again... hm. then went to visit lorra for a bit. and back to talk to cs.. heh. now i understand. the pressure of expectation. the better your track record, the more expectations you've to live up to. but you know, just do the best you can and God will do the rest. after all, He put me in my job and as much as it's tedious right now/people are working crazy hours and not going home... there is a purpose. i'm sorry i'm really not more positive about talking about work right now. it is SUCH a pain to have to explain my job to people. "i work in economic consulting." "what?? what is that?" "well, we work for lawyers and figure out how much damages to pay when one company infringes another's patent." i really need to just write it on the back of my namecard and people can read it themselves... jackie'd probably say that's so me, given that (this she always recalls with great fondness) when we met at international orientation and she asked what my name was, i just held up my nametag wearily. something to that effect. maybe this is what chuansheng means by "clarissa lin! never change..."
yeah anyway that whole job-explaining thing came into effect especially during the sas bbq, when i was meeting so many people. but wait. i get ahead of myself. that will come in soon...
ok, then i dropped by borders. i think i will buy these two francis chan books. one of which was recommended by this lady at church last week. it's called crazy love! just exactly what i need, i think. how do i love God...
after that, went to pick cheukka and shifeng up from the caltrain station and showed them around campus. it's funny, i've graduated and i'm still showing people around campus! it's nice that i get to go back though. bought a decal for my car :p
then brought them over to cs and winston's. wow, the astar scholars are really close. i guess i started getting tired then. and then when it came to the bbq... gosh. all these people i don't know. and don't really want to meet, hm. making conversation is tiring. i guess given that i'd been hanging around people since 12:30pm and it was almost 6:30pm by then.. too much. was really really tired by then. so yoga was good. too tired to run/do elliptical. and yoga music is relaxing. ahh. sooo good. i don't even know why i was more tired today (mentally, i guess) than from work normally.
realizations
so i was re-reading one of my childhood favourite books (the anne of green gables series by l.m. montgomery, haha - yeah i think some of my friends would be appalled i'm reading that at my age, but whatever) and it described one of the characters going off to college and having to leave home and all. when i read that, my mind involuntarily did a flash back to when i first left for stanford. i guess, also because cos i'm leaving again soon and every time i leave the experience is slightly different.
i remember getting a panic attack before leaving (maybe a couple of days before? or a week?) and not wanting to go, and serene having to message me all the way from boston to assure me that it really isn't that bad, i'll adapt.
i remember going to the airport and having so many friends come to send me off - church/chorale/class/... flying to an unknown place which i'd never seen before (well maybe when i was REALLY young) with kiat & wang ning.
i remember being disappointed that we didn't enter stanford through palm drive cos we dropped off a grad student first (-_-) but subsequently being amazed by the open space and greenery that is the stanford campus and finally, the loud noisy welcome by the international orientation volunteers!
kind of crazy, really, that it's been 4 years
[update, after meeting rgs classmates]
while we were sitting around eating at chinatown/on the bus from chinatown to orchard, i looked at my friends and it was just such a weird feeling to think that we've known each other for 8 years (well, 10 if you count from sec 1) and we still get along so well. or so i think, anyway. more ponderings to come later, am too exhausted to think or type anymore.
also realized that going out with girls usually entails dessert, maybe because they don't go out and meet people every day. but since i do that when i'm back, that kind of kills me... sigh. really should not have drunk that milk thingy at tcc... -bloat-
realizations
i really have been overeating and my days really do revolve around food. tummy is growing! felt so gross i had to go run just now. and while running, i also thought about this past sunday's sermon. the preacher ended by asking us whether our spiritual life had been healthier at some other point, and why that was the case. i came to the realization that this summer hasn't been as good as last summer spiritually because i wasn't as convicted in making God/learning about Him the centre of my life. instead, i fell back into the old trap of idolizing food, amongst other things. i would like to blame other people for influencing me, but really it's my own fault. anyhow, at least i know what's wrong now and hopefully will do better at correcting it.
also, am in process of writing a testimony about my senior year and job search. was supposed to try and get it done by today (wed) for the church bulletin but unfortunately that didn't happen cos i had to trawl through emails and chat transcripts to quote my friends accurately. i really should've started it earlier so it would've been in time, but oh well.
excerpts from Life of Pi, Yann Martel:
Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane. If Christ played with doubt, so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.
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What? Humanity sins but it's God's Son who pays the price? I tried to imagine Father saying to me, "Piscine, a lion slipped into the llama pen today and killed two llamas. Yesteday another one killed a black buck. Last week two of them ate the camel. The wek before it was painted storks and grey herons. And who's to say for sure who snacked on our golden agouti? The situation has become intolerable. Something must be done. I have decided that the only way the lions can atone for their sins is if I feed you to them.
"Yes, Father, that would be the right and logical thing to do. Give me a moment to wash up."
"Hallelujah, my son."
"Hallelujah, Father."
What a downright weird story. What peculiar psychology.
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This Son, on the other hand, who goes hungry, who suffers from thirst, who gets tired, who is sad, who is anxious, who is heckled and harrassed, who has to put up with followers who don't get it and opponents who don't respect Him - what kind of a god is that? It's a god on too human a scale, that's what.
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It is a religion as swift as a swallow, as urgent as an ambulance. It turns on a dime, expreses itself in the instant. In a moment you are lost or saved. Christianity stretches back through the ages, but in essence it exists only at one time: right now.
thoughts since coming back
weird that lyd's not around, she's usually the one who calls me to go out. got pretty bored within two days (even though i had barney and peiying's wedding to go for the day i returned!) and almost sank into slight depression thinking about how disconnected i am from my sg friends since i'm not even sure if they're on the same cell phone etc. silly me though, it wasn't that hard to contact people. so i've spent much of the week meeting people, tomorrow's my only "free" day. which i am contemplating going shopping but i bet i'll be too lazy. it is really boring getting on a bus to go to town (or any of the bigger shopping malls) cos all the buses use the same route for at least 60% of the trip! :( sigh. i think i need to find an exciting book to read..
anyway, singapore is changing an awful lot. i got off the bus at queen street terminal today to get to bugis junction, passed by bugis village and there were all these clothes shops i hadn't seen before! and then i get out of bugis village and find myself in this brand new spanking huge shopping mall i hadn't even HEARD of! and that's saying something since new malls are always announced.. or so i think. anyhow, i discover this japanese food street thing. tis kinda cool, albeit a little on the more expensive side. they claim to fly in fish from tsukiji. hmm.
hilarious quotes from cheukka:
her marveling at my shopping stamina - "i can last two hours at most. after that, i start seeing blurs (instead of clothes)"
background: my mom's going to relief teach for the month of august (or something) and she was afraid that i wouldn't have anything to eat for lunch when she's teaching. i'm like, don't be ridiculous, #1 i can cook, #2 i can go out and eat. so i was telling cheukka about it and she said, "wow, you're so practical/problem-solving" and i was totally confused as to how she concluded that, so i asked her what she would do in my place and she's like "oh, if my mom's not at home then i don't eat lor."
then she explained herself a little further by telling me this hilarious story about how she wanted to eat ice cream one day and she was trying to persuade jon to eat ice cream too.. but he didn't want to. so then she said if he didn't want to then she didn't want to either, so he should eat with her. and then apparently he said something like if it were me i would just go get the ice cream myself. independence. haha. i'm like okay... interesting. she says she always needs people to do stuff with her, else she won't do whatever it is. i definitely like doing stuff alone, which i guess isn't the healthiest thing.. but like for shopping, i feel like other people are inconvenienced if i drag them along. and if i want to eat random stuff instead of eating meals, it's more for a on-the-go type thing not so much when i meet friends thing. although i guess if my friend wants to eat random stuff too then that works. ah well.
okay since serene complained... haha. actually i guess i was meaning to blog about my job stuff and so on but the whirlwind of spring quarter senior year + commencement caught me and swept me up.
so, quick summary of job stuff: God has provided most abundantly even though his timeline was clearly quite different from mine. haha. all those consulting interviews in fall quarter.. i guess they built up my confidence. getting final rounds. even though there were multiple let-downs and disappointments when i didn't get offers. and i also learnt (thanks to serene's honesty, i appreciate that) how much of a monster i can become when it comes to being competitive... quite shocking, really.
winter quarter, i was kind of tired of interviewing and submitted a few resumes for the sake of it, heart really wasn't in it. lazy. unmotivated.
spring quarter, i realized just how little time i have left, and things like air tickets etc have to be settled. fasted that one meal which was quite a big deal since i was eating literally all the time during that period. was quite bad, really. so i tried my hardest, contacted alumni to help. got a couple more interviews, two rejections and this one i was a little iffy about, given the odd location (the shopping complex where college students do their grocery shopping! i didn't even know there was an office building) and also the fact that they called me in directly for final rounds (i.e. a full day of interviews) without any preliminary phone interview. also, lousy website means i couldn't find out much about the company.
went there, met the people. liked the good-natured joking i saw between people, kind of reminded me of last summer (bluepulse). the last guy i met was the CEO. i thought it was ok but it seemed like he wasn't so interested at the end and i had this sinking feeling in my heart. decided it was time for retail shopping. while driving to macy's, told God i was so tired of interviewing and trying to tell people how good i am etc. why is a job so hard to get?! and then 1 hour later, the CEO calls me and tells me i have an offer... cannot believe it man. later i thought about it and was wondering how much i get paid... gotta wait till i get back to find out. get back, find out that it is a really good offer! and at that point i was already ready to settle for anything. plus i get to start whenever..
that's a pretty short summary as it is. but i have been greatly blessed.
sigh
i wonder what, if anything, i ought to be doing about this. for the (however many)th time this quarter, i wake up to my roommate telling her boyfriend what's wrong with him. ok normally she does that at night, but i'm just kind of amazed at how he manages to put up with constantly being told how he's lacking! <-- this was at 9:20am+ after i got woken up. i REALLY wanted to whine about how i've had enough of this and what not, but... (continue below)
at 9:40am my roommate comes out so i decided to ask her if everything's okay... and we talked a little about how her boyfriend annoys her a LOT sometimes. and how she gives and gives but doesn't receive any appreciation. actually i can't really remember what i told her anymore, but it included things like not expecting in return for giving (and then when you are appreciated that's even better!), that she shouldn't expect him to change (this, thanks to ser's wisdom after almost a year of marriage;p), that maybe she needs to ask God to change her, and she said she's always been really competitive and feels like she has to mould everything. i also said something about trying to remember that everyone's a reflection of God and when friends make us happy, He makes us happy too. anyway, after talking to her i feel more sympathetic about the whole situation, more peace i guess.
frantic econ outline writing. ok, not that frantic since i wasn't THAT clear-minded at the moment. but i forgot about it. oh, and then i printed out jackie's creative writing stuff (SO many pages! i did not realize... haha). i wonder how she managed to write so many pages in a week. anyway, i don't usually like poems that much but hers are beautiful. and short stories! very cool. love the language. love good writing.
so i go and turn in my econ outline thing and i saw other pple's stuff and they were so much more detailed and seemed much more advanced in where they were! i guess i did pretty much change my research question last night, but i don't know if my TA'll be nicer cos of that. eeps. i can only trust. and pray for grace. mrarrrr.
anyhow so i went to the post office, got my EAD card (i look like a BALL in the picture, i am not kidding). i'm like whatever, as long as it serves its purpose, i'm never looking at it again. :p
and my roommate comes back from lunch and says she loves talking to me. given my sleep-deprived state, i immediately forget what she said to me (or i guess i was somewhat dazed so it came in one ear and happily wafted out the other), but it was along the lines of how the things i say are true/wise, and that i make her a better person. i was like awww! -melt- that was really unexpected and quite touching. from what she said it sounds like she spent most of her time in the library thinking about what we talked about instead of reading. but it's kind of cool, i hope it did help...
anyway ok, now it's time to pick a passage for bible study. it's really funny, last night i was thinking about it and i was like hm i think i should ask people to think about things that surprised them this week/where God might have been working and then this happens to me today...
some amazing praise notes i had to throw out:
1. extension of deadline for my econ paper outline! i was getting stressed out about it last night, realized i had two interviews to prep for plus a concert tmr night etc... and i had no data set at that point (still working on it). today i went to class and the prof says to us, "i don't know if this will help, but i can give you a tiny extension..." and at this point i'm staring at her with huge eyes like she's just given me a great treasure. anyhow i feel like a huge load has been lifted off (but also i guess less stress means i will procrastinate on it a while more :|) and i can concentrate on interview prep and all that.
2. i feel like God has given me favour with people.
a. i emailed a prof about the data set thing last wed and she replied thurs morning; emailed her last night and she replied this morning (i was frankly VERY amazed), and then i find out from another classmate that she also emailed this same last fri but hasn't received a reply. i'm like wow. maybe my data question is easier to answer, but still..
b. i emailed an alum to help with my job thing (which led to my wed interview, more praise!) and today as i was talking to another friend, i realized she emailed the same alum but didn't get her resume internally referred. perhaps my email was more explicit/sounded more desperate, but also wow...
3. strange coincidence. i guess i was thinking about the EAD card (which allows me to stay and work here after graduation) since i have an interview tmr, but i suddenly decided to check on the status (i guess i'd thought about checking before but figured it was too early for anything to have happened) and so i went to fish out the letter they sent me with the tracking number. and guess what?
"Current Status: Card Mailed
On April 27, 2009, we mailed the new card directly to the address we have on file."
again, i'm just astonished. like, what are the odds...
anyhow, just feel like God's been speaking to me through these little things and He is good. i also thought about the possibilities that neither interview works out and i'm back to square one, but I will trust in His grace and His plans for me.
Mosaic!
This is on facebook but for me to remember... so pretty! and so funny that the last row = all animals.
Rules:
a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search (http://www.flickr.com/).
b. Using ONLY the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3 (http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php).
d. Save the image and post it on this note!
e. If you're tagged, pass it on to however many people you want. And tag me. :)
The Questions:
1. What is your first name? (Clarissa)
2. What is your favorite food? (Sushi rolls)
3. What is your favorite color? (Pink)
4. Favorite drink? (Mango shake)
5. Dream vacation? (Corfu, Greece)
6. Favorite hobby? (Snowboarding)
7. What do you want to be when you grow up? (Dolphin trainer)
8. What do you love most in life? (Beauty)
9. One word to describe you? (Calm)
1. Clarissa and Chi Chi 8, 2. temari sushi, 3. Water sculpture, 4. refreshingly good!, 5. Krf, Grcka (Corfu, Greece), 6. Wall #1, 7. Hawaii #16 - Baby wolphin, 8. My Girls..., 9. Savoir Vivre... hmmmmmm
fleeting days
i'm counting down the weeks. and i don't know if this is like a self-fulfilling prophecy, but after lindsey's email i'm like yes, i am stressed. she said that "this is a really emotional and stressful season, even if it doesn't feel like it", and i guess i've come to believe it even though i don't think i was that stressed before.. or maybe the overeating/constant snacking was a symptom or whatever you call it.
anyway, after today, i'm just like i'm so tired, why the heck did i not plan my classes properly so i wouldn't have to take so many freaking classes in my last quarter. and even then i don't know if it would make a difference... although i'm tempted to drop either accounting or the research thing. but i feel like i can't drop research since i talked to her and all that, and it is, sort of, a full-time option even though i haven't talked to her about that recently. psych paper due today, i don't think it was fantastic so praying for favour with graders, i have to write another 2 page thing for econ due tmr and i'm tired... there's a career fair tmr and thurs, oh look, here's the job thing coming up
counting down the weeks, because with 7 weeks left, i can't even figure out whether i should be enjoying myself or trying to find a job. because those two are, i think, quite contradictory and both take time. one of them has to come first and i don't know which one. if i don't end up getting a job here and i spent most of my last quarter here trying to do that, that would really suck.. as opposed to if i knew i was going to go home and making the best of my last weeks here. and i still have those 18 units worth of class... but again, i guess if i stay i'll have weekends to play. but now, trying hard doesn't equal GETTING a job. sigh.
i guess it's still possible to take a break after graduating like daryl/junwan did. but.. dunno. my mom seems to assume that i'm going home too, she asked me whether i was going to start shipping stuff back. AUGH. i hate life decisions. ok, this is sounding so angsty.. probably doesn't help that it's so windy and cold:(
and it's not that i don't believe God will provide. because ultimately, He will. and i just looked at the resurrection passage. because He rose again, we have hope! the only problem being i don't feel very hopeful at the moment and i'm just tired. but oh, i just found this. 1 John 5:14 Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. just for me... haha.
update: yay for friends, had dinner w annie & yeye (my little from akpsi) and i feel better! even though, the problem is still there, i feel better about life. talk about moodswings... man.
crappy
my roommate was arguing with her boyfriend again (on the phone) and i could hear her raised voice and it just made me feel so uncomfortable. uncomfortable isn't even the correct word.. antsy? i have no idea. i am extremely extremely conflict-averse. as are most people, i guess. i don't know. and the whole raised voice thing happens so regularly (well, frequently enough) that i'm just like are relationships supposed to be like that?? i thought you're supposed to be happy most of the time..
and then i check my zipcar account and realize that i got charged $50 for returning the car late. i really should've made sure we left on time to get the car returned on time... i feel bad making the student group pay for it, but i don't want to pay for it either. sigh. this is what comes of not being insistent enough.
not so crappy anymore, just puzzled
okay, talked to my roommate about her bf issues. i am unbelievably ill-equipped to give relationship advice, i wonder why i've been finding myself in such situations. i never wanted to go through the whole heartbreak thing, but it almost makes me feel as though i would be better able to relate to people when they tell me about it. like my roommate was like "it's hard to let go, i took 1.5 years to actually break up with my last bf" and i'm like okay... given that i've never found myself in that situation i don't quite know what to say.
but even then, actually, i think i'll just be thankful that God has kept my heart whole since that's what i always wanted anyway. or at least, i THINK it's whole.
now, how to add empathy to the picture... hm.
oh man, i just realized that another friend i'm meeting on wed sort of has issues of the heart too. why can't our world be perfect... i guess that's what heaven is. rawr. light please?
a Somebody with a nobody
so I'm subscribed to this weekly study on the names of God (mostly old testament, i think) and i really liked the bold part:
God tells Moses that he has seen the misery of "my people" and states his intention to rescue (nāstal) them and bring them back to Canaan. He concludes, "So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt" (3:10). Now Moses begins to protest. His first objection is that he is a nobody. God's answer to the excuse of being a nobody, is that a Somebody will be with him.
"But Moses said to God, 'Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?'
And God said, 'I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.'" (3:11-12)
afresh
alright, i sat and thought about it and i have resolved to be a better student for my last quarter. and i will also apologize to my mom for being so bratty. God's grace is enough even though I'm so wretched sometimes.
sigh
the one time in a long while my mom decides to call, and she calls to tell me that i need a wake-up call to stop slacking and work harder in my last quarter. cos i told her i just came back from playing cards at joseph's. i guess she's right that that isn't the best use of time, and also it IS true that my undergrad gpa has been dropping since fall quarter and my econ is quite terrible, i think i got Bs for my last two econ classes. i wonder where my work ethic has gone... and it's no good being flippant about it, i really did use to work harder.
anyhow, i guess at that point i was just focused on how pathetic/disappointing it was that the one time my mom decides to call, it's to express disapproval. and then i felt bad that i was giving monosyllabic answers. but it's 2am and i'm tired from the day, plus you've just finished reproaching me, how do you expect me to be able to chat with you cheerfully when you've just made me feel crappy about myself? and now that just sounds so self-centered..
unfortunately, negative things do have to be said by someone else i'd never know. poor mom. has to bear the consequences of scolding me for my own good. a bit like how Jesus had to die for our sins huh.
the beginning of the end
that is totally koped from yx's gchat status, but it is true. i don't know why people always say "you must be glad to be graduating right?" nothing could be further from the truth! ok granted assignments & midterms & finals aren't exactly fun, but really... being able to arrange classes so i don't have class on fridays (if i don't take social dance 2) is quite cool. haha.
it was quite a packed day, involved quite a lot of food after dinner (bad!!!) but i have BAKKWA! i have never been so excited. ok i probably have, but you know... oh wow and i just realized jackie's going to feed me too. MACARON!!! and i forget what the other thing is. i guess it's a good thing i went with dayoung to yoga-pilates and abs&glutes today. yoga-pilates was still ok, surprisingly, cos the last time i went i remember feeling very inept at all the stretching and crunches and what not. so, hopefully i am more fit now! haha. or maybe the aches from snowboarding eclipsed everything else so it didn't matter.
abs & glutes... gosh. oh, i met tomi & christina & jessica (my frosh dormmates!) which was cool, and then we all suffered together. the instructor was seriously crazy, 67 years old and still so lithe and wiry and FIT. as christina was saying "i'm 22 years old and i can't do half the things he's doing!" anyway... after that dayoung & i couldn't walk properly, climbing the stairs is painful, i thought my thighs were going to start spasming with all the squats and other things he made us do. gosh. but if we do go for the rest of the quarter i'm sure we'll be very toned by the end... haha.
alright. i am going to go to social dance tmr... oh i still have to figure out what camera to buy. and i really hope i didn't bring any bed bugs back from puerto rico...
contradictions
my church sends out the electronic version of the weekly bulletin so i got this thing called the christian's checklist. anyhow, i got to this one where it gave the verse 1 Cor 3:18 Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you seems to be wise in this world, let him become a fool that he may become wise.
and then it reminded me of other verses with "the first shall be last" and "my power is made perfect in your weakness". and it just occurred to me that i love those contradictions somehow, because they are so unintuitive.